Why Can;t A Wonderfull Mom Unable To Be Good Mil

A mom is a mom... Just because she is not getting along with the wife/husband, it doesn't undermine her love and sacrifices for her children.
A wife or husband can't give the character certificate for someone else's mom.

I had so many problems with my MIL. Once she was the most evil MIL to me. Slowly we managed to know each other and respected each other's boundaries. Which helped us moving towards a less problematic relationship. I have no respect or love for her. I just like her for who she is, and trying my best to generously forgive the past.
However, I can't deny the fact that she was a wonderful mom to my husband.
Her struggle during the earliest days on his life, her sacrifices for him, her affection towards him and the motherly love even after he has become a dad of 2 is just amazing.
She forgets and forgives her son no matter how harshly he hurts her in the past. She never keeps things in her heart or revenge on him. She always support him though he is wronged at many times.
She was the plain reason behind his "joyful childhood", as FIL did very less towards his family then.

So, my H owes a lot for his mom.
His old mom during her menopause times couldn't think wisely before behaving badly with me - the most unexpected/unwanted DIL of the house. She wasn't educated much, not with a worldly expossure, rather feared the society to accept a DIL from a different caste/religious background.
She didn't know how to control her emotions, and how to tackle that circumstance that time.
Me and MIL were probably a bad match. We could never gel well. But that has nothing to do with her motherhood merits.
She should be praised for all her love and sacrifices as a mom anyday, regardless of special days like mother's day.
So, when my H posted her pic on social media and stated an awesome line about her goodness as mother's day wish, I just liked it to show my courtesy there.
But my sis went ahead to post her MIL's pic on FB together with mom's and wished both of them. I didn't do that for mine. Coz, she can never be my mom.

 

Instead of feeling bad about their husband's behaviour, even the wives would have posted their mothers pictures on social sites and praised their mothers in that get together.......

it's always better to see the relation from the side of the other person.....even though there are lot of issues between DIL & MIL, DIL should not forget onething that MIL is her husband's mother and its natural to have the emotional attachment between mother & son.......

 

You cannot tell someone how they should "feel" about someone else. It is for them to realize. Trying to control someone's feeling will result in nothing but head ache and heart ache

 

Also misinterpreting without knowing the context, attaching a negative connotation, relating with the unrelated things of past are few more hindrances in relationships. War of feelings only escalates, never settles anythings. The mother-son, father-daughter relationships are always special, it is very hard to find a father who say no to his daughter, and so in mother-son. The emotional connects are very strong, perhaps, beyond reasoning.

Everyone of us swallow some pain if it means to accommodate our loved ones, a son is no exception. The son who witnessed her mother's struggle and sacrifices for him on his growing age will definitely stand by her even if he knows his mother's excesses and unreasonable things. He may admit his mother's mistake privately but never give up his mother in front of anyone, including his loving wife. It does not mean that he has so sense of correctness, it only means that he cannot stand seeing his mother helpless and cornered. Understanding and respecting this strong emotional connects, isolating and dealing objectively with particular issue with the help of husband may give better results, I mean, in resolving DIL-MIL conflicts.

Happy Mother's Day, and Happy Mother-In-Law's day!

 

Actually this is very difficult question, but I know one thing for sure there are good mothers who is also great mil. Unfortunately not my mil. So I guess only some lucky people have this gift from god, good mom n mil.

I shall evaluate this again once I'm a mil in decades to come.

 

Answering to your second post....

What if DIL has given so much emotional pain to MIL????
Now, if the wife is good in her role as a wife, and a great partner by all terms, I don't think there should be any problem for that husband to praise his wife - for that matter. He is after all praising his WIFE, not the DIL of his mom.
However, if the DIL has given so much emotional pain to the MIL, and Husband (as stated in your post), then how come a husband would praise his wife, who has given emotional pain to him? Here the wife needs so much improvements to be qualified as a wife first. Then comes the appraisal part.

Again, relating it to my personal matter...
I am no way a good DIL to my in laws. I just don't visit to their place unless it is a festival or special occasion, despite of them living in the next door. We have so much history to talk here.
However, I am always appraised as a great wife by my husband. I am sure he is not going overboard, because I do extensively to please him, and make his life better from a very miserable state. He knows that. Now he can't compare my relationship with MIL for this.

Similarly, my H never got along with my mom. Despite of living under one roof, they don't talk to each other at all. (You'll probably read my case here in this forum). But I do praise my H here and in social media for being the best husband to me. I don't see any reason for not doing that.
Also, FYI - I wished my mom publicly on this mother's day.
Why complicate this?

 

Answering your second post, I understand that you meant, the DIL is not in good terms with MIL but DH goes on to praise her openly like even in the presence of MIL. If this is what you meant, yes the MIL is going to get hurt,feel insecure, and tries to damage the exisiting good relation between the DIL & the son out of insecurity. Atleast this is what happens normally in most of the homes.

So to avoid this, the son makes sure he shows nil/subtle emotions towards his wife in the public.

It is no wonder that the DIL got offended when the DH praised the MIL in public.This only makes the wife feel less important and concerned that her issues are ignored/taken for granted.

When we can accept that MIL will get insecure/offended when the reverse happens why not this?It would have been better if the DH showed his love to his mother in private rather than in public.