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It's not an affair.. So what is it?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Forlorn, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP..
    you are gullible and your husband is cunning.. he's having his cake and eating it too..
     
  2. kimmy

    kimmy Bronze IL'ite

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    Are u kidding me? You are not addressing the elephant in the room. U r ok to share ur life with another girl?

    U getting fit, getting job is secondary but what abt some self respect first.


    U r enabling him and of course he will make use of it
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, y do u think that the girl, your husband is talking about, may not be real, only in his mind???? Why your husband thinks that he loved you all the years but he didn't get the acknowledgment for the same???
     
  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Let me ask you a question? What if tomorrow you go and tell your husband - "You are not THAT good looking. I need a 6 pack harboring macho guy and I am in love with another person. I feel like you have taken me for granted". Will your husband fall at your feet and try to workout and make a 6 pack so that you stay with him? What do YOU think?
    The MAIN issue like many of the other intelligent posters have said is NOT you. NOT your body odor. NOT your self confidence or NOT your lack of reciprocation of his love. The probem ls HIM. HIS EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIR . If that doesnt bother you, then you seriously have a problem. You need to stop blaming yourself for an affair that he is having. If he is faking having an affair, then he is playing with your trust and feelings and doesnt respect you as a wife. If he is having an affair, its the same. Nothing changes. Stop blaming yourself and take charge of your life. I am sorry to say this but your husband is manipulating you and emotionally blackmaliling you and you are gullibly falling for it hook line and sinker.
     
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    very sad state of affairs, op!

    I feel he is telling the truth. He did have an affair.

    The problem here is that there is a basic miscommunication going on between your and your h. OP, go back to your original post where you narrated that he told you he loves another and listed the 1, 2, 3 problems about you as the reason why. OP, what he was telling you then was about a decision which he has already taken, over and done with (his going for affair) and how he justified his action to himself by blaming you for 1, 2, 3 and so he feels what he did is ok, and justified. What he described to you was a process which led to a decision which he has already taken and acted upon.

    OP, what you took from that conversation is that he is serving notice to you that 'may' go for an affair if you dont do 1, 2, 3. That unless you drastically change your ways a future affair will be the result. You have misunderstood a done deal for a warning and so now you are scrambling to do 1,2,3 asap in the hope that you may be able to influence and alter the course of events and head off the 'future' affair.

    OP, you could be the laziest, smelliest or the most unloving wife on the planet but it doesnt matter. The fault is still on him for breaking his marriage vows. This situation is not your fault. Right now, the only logical next step for you is to take yourself out of the picture, to step back and allow the full force of the consequences for his action hit him. Only then he will realize the enormity of what he did and either brazen it out or give some explanation. but that step, the realization and the contrition, needs to first come from him. he needs to understand what he did wrong, and he will do that only when there are consequences. At that point you can decide whether to kick him out or take him back. then you decide whether you still want him back or not. And that decision would be entirely up to you.

    For now, I would suggest you inform some real life friends or even parents and allow the consequences happen. Proceed with the knowledge the affair is a fact. The onus to keep you and kid, to prove he did not have an affair, to save the marriage is on him now, not you.
     
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  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Look after your health:
    Find out if you really have body odor by asking a close friend/relative. See your doctor about the odor if you have it. There could be a medical reason.
    Also, get yourself tested for STDs. His EMA puts your health at risk.

    About your marriage:
    If he refuses to discuss the EMA, hire a Private Investigator and find out for yourself. Once you know for sure, you can decide what to do next.
     
  7. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    I would highly doubt if there is any girl , i think he is just making that up. But Girl or No Girl , he is playing with your emotion and obviously has no respect to you as wife. But unless you start valuing n respecting yourselves, no -one will ever do that to you.

    Be strong, hire a detective or find it out yourselves anyhow, if he really is having any affair. If he is, no point even trying to save this marriage, run away from him asap. But if there is no girl even, emotionally detach yourself from him, follow steps you mentioned in your earlier post regarding finding job, being independent, not beg for love etc, just treat him like a housemate n live your life as if his presence or reaction matters to you anymore. If this marriage is worth saving, seeing these changes, he will come to you himself with all you deserve.
     
  8. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

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    Hello SGBV,


    So what do you want her to do. Separate and Take Divorce from him.
    Is separating and taking divorce the solution of any problem.


    If the same mistake was done by OP i.e loving some guy and having affair for sometime. You would have suggested her , forget it and go back to your husband.
    so may be someday someone will suggest the same to that guy and he will come back and start reciprocating the love to her.


    Problems and issues come in every relationship with parents, siblings our own kids. we never think about separating from them forever but where as if its our life partner why think about separating.
    The way you work on other relationships, work on this also.


     
  9. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Forlorn,

    More than get in shape etc, I would say get job and be independent. Be yourself, if you think reasonable do little changes in yourself which might make him happy. and then observe how he is behaving. if any change in him etc.

    i wont suggest you to get separated and take divorce from him and dont think about going to your parents etc as that wont solve anything.

    Get Job, Get money. Hire a detective and find out of he is telling the truth. As someone said be very careful with keeping physical attachment with him.

    if he is reciprocating your love after few months and changing for good fine. if not you have to decide if you can wait for more time or not.

    2 options you have :
    1. Change little things in you and wait for him to change.
    2. Hire detective and get him red handed. File a case against him in India for cheating, send his parents behind bars. Then see if he changes here with you and warn him you will take the case back only if he changes.

    There is a saying when the butter doesnt come with straight finger then you make it bend.


     
  10. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    OMG. Is he rhett butler and you scarlet o hara ? Please don't listen to this nonsense. All his actions are to shift the guilt to you. Please don't fall for this.

    Find a job and stand on your feet.

    In the mean time, ask him if he is interested even a tiny bit to work things out between you. You both owe it to your kids. Don't ever beg. Seek counselling to work out any deep seated resentment or issue.

    Ignore the affair. But assume that it is there. Shift your stuff and start sleeping in another room until things between you are solved. Involve parents or his or your siblings.

    If nothing works, seek a lawyer. Collect proof for his cheating.
     

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