Anger and frustration towards Mother

Some thoughts on your post:

1. As we get older and circumstances change, so do priorities. There is no right or wrong here. People just want different things and wanting something differemt from what our parents or grandparents does not mean one is better or worse than the other.

2. Jobs and careers these days are not what they used to be. They can be very stressful and draining and require significant physical and mental effort compared to yesteryears.

3. Looks like your job demands and career pressures are making you crave for quiet, peace, calm and physically rested surroundings. Some of this you are not getting in your present environment.

4. If you want to move to an environment where you hope to get this, first test it out. Will this place be safe? Will you be able to afford it? Will you have to share with someone who can be a noisy room mate? Will you have domestic help or will you have to cook, clean, and wash your dishes and laundry?

5. If you are a working adult, no harm in finding your independent establishment. You don't have to get into elaborate explanations to justify your choices. They get their space and so do you and you can always say you want try this new arrangement and if it does not workout, you will think of an alternative or msy even be back. Don't burn your bridges, don't cause ill-feelings or bad blood and don't close all doors or bid a final adieu. No drama and leave a window open.

6. If your family is depending n you for anything, see how you can either continue to provide this support, or if you no longer can, see how you can detach gradually.

7. Visit them and check on theirvwell-being frequently and periodically. Let there be no regret remorse or guilt attached with decisions. Moving out of a home does not mean moving out of their life. You can be a responsible daughter no matter where you live.

 

I just hope your parents can let you go gracefully and just watch out for your well being from a distance... in fact if there is one mandatory thing that every parent should learn, it is the 'let go at right time'

I think your frustrations are not really on tuitioin or TV or grandma... it could be something else.

think through your emotions and sort them out... seek help if required

a time out from your current life with parents and routine could give you a perspective.

Be bold and explore life... it's much beyond parents, relatives, siblings and marriage...

 

My dear what keeps you there? To my mind she has a right to live in her home as she pleases.

 

have you thought why she is taking tuition? Why she is not keeping maid? Who does the work when you dont do it?
Do you help her financially? If you get tired maybe she does too and still has to do everything.
I think she is one plucky lady who is earning on her own and supporting a grown up child too who keeps changing jobs and doesnt want to help her.
It seems to me you are the selfish one.

 

The issue is simple..generation gap and a need for some space and privacy that you are unable to get in your parents home..With the amount of work pressure in private companies, all that a working person would want to do on weekend is sleep, sleep and sleep..then relax watching some movies or TV shows or go for outing with friends...As you are denied this relaxation you are getting upset.
Why dont you find a PG with single room or share an apartment with few ladies, preferably coworkers near you workplace..its an additional expense but would give you more privacy and in dependence..you can visit your parents during weekends, holidays and festivals..

 

Dear OP

Your frustrations are because of your divorce mode, and failed attempts to re-marry. It is fair enough.
Don't assume the tuition, grandma, workload and TV are the reasons for them. So, stop blowing them out of proportion. This might create frictions between you and your parents.

Living with anybody requires certain level of adjustments. When we are ready to adjust for the person whom we love and care about, things will not seem upsetting. However, when we are not ready for the adjustments, but are forced to adjust, then it brings out frustrations. I think, the latter is the case of yours.

Your parents own the house, and they should be let free to live their life as they want.
So, allow them to bring whomsoever they want, chat with their people, watch their TV program, and also give tuition if that could please their emotional and financial needs. It is their house, so don't disturb them.

They have subtly told you several times to leave. Take it as a matter of priority. Leave to a working girls hostel or even a small flat of your choice nearer to the work place.
You may return to your parents during weekends.

Learn to cook, and self managing. This way, you get a lot of privacy.
You can sleep, take rest as well meet up new people of your interest. This can give hope to a new life too.

If that is not possible, then stop taking your parents for granted.

You are working. So, instead of asking mom to appoint a maid, you appoint one. Pay the maid from your pocket.
If that is not possible, do your share of household chores.
Remember, you are not a teenager. Probably, I am of your age too.
With 2 little kids, I get to sleep only after mid-night. I have to wake up at 5, in order to prepare my kids to School and play school. I have to cook, pack, take them to bath, and feed them before I go to work.
With that 5 hrs of sleep at nights, I get to wake up several times if kids are sick, wake up for milk etc.. so my sleep is severely disturbed. But I am doing it without complaining. This is the adjustment expected from every stage of our lives.
So, the tuition and grandma visit sound so immature for a woman who is in her late 20s or early 30s.

You can't expect your old mom to cook and do the chores alone. Perhaps my mom too of your mom's age. But I never allow her to enter the kitchen. I too work outside of the house. But I do all the chores, and I have appointed a maid for whatever I can't do.
So, working outside should not be an excuse for not working at home.

Start waking up early, prepare at least one meal and surprise your parents with that. Do a lot of chores during the weekends, and prepare something for the weekdays too.
Give some money to your parents, if they are running short of money. I assume the intense tuition classes are not for fun. Perhaps, they need money.
Start participating in the conversations with your relatives. Or browse net in your phone while physically staying with them.

Sleeping in the afternoon is not a healthiest way to lose weight. So, take this disturbance to your advantage and do something creative during this time.

 

In any relation staying away and meeting once in a while is healthier than staying under one roof and fight everyday. Daily bickering removes the charm in life. And who knows distance may make the heart grow fonder.

 

You are stressed and that is it.

I feel that your mother is living, how she wants it to be. Well, kids means laugh, shout and noise. That is how I feel they should be. Your marital problem is also a cause for you to think otherwise and make you stressed.

Life in general is not a bed of roses. You need to compromise a lot to have mental peace. Either with parents, siblings, husband, kids, work colleagues, friends, room mates etc. The list is endless. But if you are able to compromise and adjust in life, anger decreases a lot because you are able to think from their perspective.

I pity your mother as well, she would be worried about you, isn't it. Please don't tell even in anger that your father is not coming at night because of your mother. Words are mightier than sword and those words would hurt your mother. Well, when old age comes so does other issues, inability to look after the house, having a small nap in the afternoon.

It is in your entire right whether to stay with your mother or leave, I am not going to involve in that. Even if you decide to leave, your mother would be hurt. She just asks you to help her, consider it as a hobby to explore. If not just you go in search of a maid and appoint her.

You will realize and cherish what you are having only when you don't have it.