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Issue in marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by bahv, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I'll give my very frank 2c:

    When engaging in discussion, it can get annoying if your responses are criticized for their style and intent rather than being taken on for the content. A "there (s)he goes again" is possible to ignore only so many times.

    Now, what could have caused such reaction to soka's posts and similar ones -
    A regular problem in a Reln forum thread is taken and dissected in a way that comes across as almost patronizing. Sorry guys, it does seem like that with the posh terminology of English, law, social behaviors, and when majority of readers are obviously unable to understand a major part of your posts.

    Le mot juste is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxjM89Krwd0
     
    3 people like this.
  2. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Originally Posted by Aria [​IMG]
    Out of curiosity soka, why is it difficult for you not to laugh at this immature comment and carry on posting.
    Ok, well why not ... here goes, despite your deletion. :wink:

    Which part? For my part, believe it or not, I'm trying to be understood!
     
  3. Aria

    Aria New IL'ite

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    Believe me when I say we're making rigorous attempt here to understand you.
    Just confused where to begin when you snap in this manner.
    Too scared to say anything. You are as enigmatic to us as we're to you!
     
  4. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, I did too! Don’t try all that JAG-bamboozling on me! :wink:

    Look, first, I'm not afraid of judgment. This business of 'not judging' is one of those vapid memes that have infected every unthinking brain within reach. I think the ‘rush from judgment' is just as dangerous as the 'rush to judgment'. A civilized, examined life would be impossible without good judgment. Let's save that discussion for a different day, shall we?

    What do I mean when I say that I'm not entirely confident of OP's writing? I'm talking about words like 'womanizer'. That is a very different idea from 'incest'. OP is writing lazily, thoughtlessly, in her text to hubby and even in her posts here. I have no idea what she said or wrote, even less what she meant or how it came across. I have no problems agreeing that her text was in very poor taste. The only question for me is whether her intemperate statements are deserving of a divorce - especially when she does not want one and has apologized.

    I can question the nature of her apology, its abjectness, its sincerity. There are lacunae in the information available to me. I am trying to make the best of partial information. Maybe you are right, maybe other things happened. Maybe this was not one text, but a prolonged harangue about her husband fooling around with his sister. Maybe it was public.

    When the givens change, I will have no reservations about changing my position. However, 'they sent me a divorce notice' is a hard statement with no ambiguity. Sure, OP could be lying ... but that line of thought has no end. That negates all discussion. (What did I ignore? All that business about family tagging along on honeymoon, no time together etc.)

    Again, yes, I know we have only one side. That is true of every post on IL. Everything I say is subject to revision, should the ‘facts’* change. All I'm trying to say is - 'with this set of givens, I choose this position in response'. Blanket skepticism prevents any response whatsoever. I can remain a skeptic and still take a position given a set of observations. If we find that those observations do not withstand scrutiny, we can change our position. All of science is predicated on that approach.

    *PS: Before some literalist triumphantly points it out – yes, yes, I know all we have are statements from the OP != ‘facts’.
     
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  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Errrmmm, that question was for Rihana!
     
  6. Aria

    Aria New IL'ite

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    Your purple-fonted post was formatted as parent quote containing nested quote (check it!) instead of nodal quotes. Hence I assumed you were referring to both and did say we ..not I.
     
  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    That's because you deleted your post!:bangcomp:
     
  8. Aria

    Aria New IL'ite

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    I've no idea what you're talking about.
    Go to previous page and my post is intact (untouched and unedited)
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    After marriage, the husband-wife relationship should come first. Even a rakhii sent to brother, or a gift back sent to sister, should not be done oblivious to spouse. Not that spouse has to approve, or needs to know every single strand in the rakhii/gift, but, marriage brings with it a certain intimacy, and a 'right to be the first to know' and 'mera pathi sirf meri sari wearing/taking off mein help karega*' assumption.

    *husband should only be helping wife in taking off/draping of sarees.

    Just me and my old-fashioned norms. Maybe in these modern times, the conscious uncoupling starts from honeymoon itself.
     
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  10. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    OK my bad. The blue-arrow-click-thingy did not work. I tried umpteen times ....
     

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