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who is wrong here: verbal abuse vs physical abuse

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by seekingpeace, Jul 23, 2015.

  1. bulesha

    bulesha Silver IL'ite

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    I am wondering what could your DH reaction if you had said "Oh you have done the hair cut, no problem but darling I love to see how he look in his grown curly hair"

    People spend entire life wanting to live life. You both need to grow. Do anger managment by yoga, meditation. It will be help to you both.
     
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  2. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    I usually don't lose temper infact am the rational one acc to my family. ..but since there has been lot of stress recently due to inlaws and constant criticism from husband about housekeeping i lost my temper. .dh was also surprised by my behaviour as i rarely lose it like this and that too over small thing..not saying this as an excuse. ..

    Update: i apologized to h over phone for what i said and the way i vented out that day. .he was also expecting apology for provoking /manipulating him leading to his behavior. ..i refused to apologize for that since his behaviour is not in my control but his. ..so as of now we aren't still on talking terms and he isn't eating at home as well. ..


    I have also questioned myself on being in this relationship. But i had wonderful time most of the time except when these ugly incidents turn up.isn't marriage a sine wave? I believe u shouldn't give up just coz of few ugly incidents. .and yes if this happens 5 again in front of my kid. .i will definitely walk out. ..my kid is so far a happy go lucky one ..wouldn't want to Mar his childhood

    ..and i agree anger management is something we both need to work a lot on esp him. .
     
  3. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    @amniki, u expressed ur anger may be little more....sometimes it happens wth everybody...things which looks small to everybody may have lots of importance to somebody else....
    u got angry because u loved ur son hair...and ur hubby beat u for tht....
    he is wrong here not u....he knows u luv ur son hair still he got them cut wthout evrn telling u....he beats u just becoz u were angry and then u said sorry to him...
    u r making him believe tht he did right by beating u as u did wrong....
    woman who talks back shuld be beaten up....ur husband believe in this i guess....n ur thought process also supports his thoughts...
     
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  4. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    He culd have soothe u when u were angry...u culd have said sorry to u for cutting ur son hair wthout telling u...he culd have said tht he didnt know this will affect u so much...
    no but he threw soup on u ,tore ur clothes, kicked u many times...
    and u r worried tht he is not eating at home and saying sorry for being angry wth him....
    Is he saying sorry to u for beating u ....no ....even for tht he wants sorry frm u ...because u made him beating u....
    i dont know y....but i m feeling very upset after reading ur post...sorry if i m sounding rude...
     
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  5. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    @amniki , promise your husband that you will work on certain things, but your foot down when it comes to physical abuse, he has to promise that he will never do this again, he cannot beat you up just because hes physically stronger. It is a CRIME and he needs to know that.

    Everything else, talk it out, discuss and tell each other that you will change for the sake of the kid.
     
  6. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    Physical abuse under any circumstance is a strict NO NO.. I am seriously wondering how you are indirectly supporting/rationalizing your husband's behavior.. He could have walked out if he felt you are provoking him.. OP, please do a reality check..

    Your H should realize that beating another person is NOT a appropriate behavior..
    would he dared to do the same thing out of the house against anybody else under provocation?

    As other's I pity the lill one...
     
  7. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    Google Stockholm syndrome. You both were wrong and abuse of any type is a big NO; however you are trying to rationalize your husband's behavior. Different people are of different opinion- hitting once every 2 years or 5 years or 10 years is still hitting for me and personally I won't take it.
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont understand some of the responses here. OP loved her son's hair. It is simply a preference, a fond love, a harmless wish. What is wrong with that? Her husband knew about how she was waiting to see his curls but still he cut the kids hair without giving a reason why he was cutting it. What can we conclude from this? That he did so to spite her or to get back on her for some other fight or issue. And when OP objected, (yes she shouted and cried, dont we all do that when we are badly disappointed?) he beat her. And you are faulting OP for that? What about the husband's behaviour? Secondly Op never raised a hand on him, her response was verbal, he could also have shouted back and they could have had an argument about it. But no, he escalated the matter to physical abuse. How can this be okay and why should OP still worry about his meals? He has behaved like an animal. He not only doesnt care about the OP's small wishes but also he beats her without control when she objects and expects her to apologize and blames her for HIS loss of control. This is not correct.

    Whether a woman wants to go for a vacation, or see her son's hair grow, a wish is a wish. As long as it is not harming someone actively what is the husband's problem? What is the big deal if he did not cut the kid's hair? When OP told him not to, he could have had a conversation with her about why he wanted to but no, he just went ahead and did it. How is this okay? Different things are important to different people. We cannot minimize it just because we are not so particular about that thing.

    OP, Please dont fool yourself. I dont know what you have been enjoying in your marriage so far but you need to open your eyes and take a good look at what is happening right now. If the incidents are becoming more frequent and progressively more violent, if he is unable to control himself even in the presence of the child, if he is not sorry afterwards but still blames you and expects you to make the first move and fix everything right then these are not good signs. It may be a good thing for you, after all, that your parents are with you. Take their help, take whatever help you need but keep yourself and the child safe. You have to take the steps, even if it looks tough.
     
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  9. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for ur helpful suggestions..

    Am not rationalizing his behavior..the way i spoke was wrong as u all said..and his reaction to me is also wrong..nothing justifies hitting like u all said and thats what i keep telling him though he maintains that i provoked and anyone when provoked to extremes would go to extremes...so its a stalemate for now..

    yes i wont tolerate it if it happens again..even this time am planning to go my sister's place for a month and take a break..

    to be frank we hardly had any arguments when i was working..while me not working is not the reason..husband expects perfection at home since am a 'housewife' and hence too many disagreements/criticism from his side...

    i have many times suggested counseling but he doesnt believe in that and has'nt agreed for it till now..

    as of now husband doesnt agreee he is wrong..rarely talks and doesnt eat..am not planing to apologize any further..hope am not wrong ?
     
  10. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    Intolerance is the word. You guys can't stand each other. Have you ever considered that saying your son "cancer patient" in whatever context is so painful to a husband. I don't say what he did was right. He was absolutely wrong for hitting you but what type of mom would say his own son that his son looks like a cancer patient just coz of an haircut. Your mind may be corrupted subconsciously, maybe, coz u somewhere blame your husband to fight with your father and their considering going back early; but again u provoked him knowing his nature.

    You don't want to leave him, right? Then why are you stretching fight with him? Not saying u were wrong and he is right but if u would apologize then he will too apologize from you. Best is to sort out this matter and resolve it ASAP, not for ego but for your son.

    Sometimes when things get out of control its better to let them go and forget about it, instead of stretching it. You should have calmly told him that please next time listen to me and we will take him to saloon for a proper cut. Your sons hair will grow back in a week or two but will this memory of bad fight ever go away from your mind, your husband's mind and your son's heart?!
     

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