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Disturbed due to groupism

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by abc00, Jun 28, 2015.

  1. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    The place I live usually has diff groups which the women form among themselves based on many factors - common language, place etc. I too got into one of such because of my kids as they had company. Now some women in the group have been creating disturbance by hanging out together, tagging only one or two in FB by posting the pics of outing,going to movies , etc. Im a person who do not get disturbed by such immature acts of women but Im getting disturbed seeing my kids who feel left out because they get to know about this from other kids. Recently only few families from that group were going to a common place and the kids were saying to other kids they are not invited. Strangely the moms involved were all absent from the scene that day who usually come out everyday. Im not sure if this could be one of the reason - the families who were left out all belonged to the same part of India !

    Please help me to handle this situation.
     
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  2. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    This is a teaching moment! Kids benefit from learning - as early as they can grasp the ideas - that:

    (1) They cannot expect to be included in every gathering. That need not be a test of friendship.

    (2) For their part, they need to think twice about forming cliques that exclude others.

    (3) Life is not always fair.
     
  3. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @abc00 i think your kids are teens, something that i think based on some discussion in the parenting forums. then it is high time you need to discuss with them, that life is not always fair as @sokanasanah says.

    And you cannot expect everyone to accommodate you just because you want to be.

    and it is ok not to be included. sometimes, though you may be part of a group, you may not be part of their core group where they are comfortable to mingle with. sometimes it can be just unintentional.

    sometimes it can all boil down to simple things but yet key ones. being a fussy vegetarian does not go well with non-vegetarians. or there are some who find faults with everything, and want to be the centre of everything. (not saying you are that but then when we talk of groupism, even these play a role..)

    If it really bothers you so much, just find out why. but if you are in the group and yet to find out things that are happening in the whole group through facebook i would seriously reassess my stand in the group. i for one would not want to be in a group where i am just tolerated for being there, where they can't ask me to get out because it is rude.

    I would talk to my kids about not holding any resentments about this, or even discussing them more, or to form any groups of their own.

    Teach them accept and move forward. To plan/make arrangements for events/games that would be enjoyed by all.

    To accept people tend to move towards people who are compatible to them as families. it happens all around. there would be that friend at workplace who has now moved from being just a colleague to a family friend. does that mean it is a groupism..no it is just how things work..

    even in a virtual forum, there are groups which are in a comfort zone,and have moved the same friendship beyond that to real life and more..
     
    Thyagarajan, sindmani, amars and 4 others like this.
  4. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    @Shanvy, thanks for your detailed reply. It helps me get a fair opinion. Yes I have a teen and also a younger one. I was referring to the younger ones group. I usually refer to as 'kids' maybe that created confusion. Of course my teen is grown up enough to handle such situations. I have him to sort such issues to a great extent. I say the same to my younger one that we cannot be invited everywhere.
     
  5. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    @Shanvy, it is not possible to tell the kids not to form such groups. It is very common here in US to socialise with others. Its not that everytime I get into such mindless groups who play hide n seek. It is sad that I ended up in this place due to a temporary move. I teach my kids to confront all kinds of situations.I felt sad seeing my kid feeling left out.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @abcoo all kinds of people make the go world go around..it is found even in small complexes where everyone has kids, but only few kids are the allowed in a particular group. i have seen it happening not only abroad but even locally.
    You can't always have things that you prefer. maybe you need to stop feeling sad about being in that place. it is ok. it is a new place, new people. the moment you make it look and feel better your kid would take her cues from you.

    you can make it up a lot for the kids if they feel left out. games, parties. and do find out the one set of people she is comfortable with and take that extra effort to make her happy.

    and i am sure they will be fine.. you just let go and take the groupism in stride...
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    @Shanvy, yes talking about making it up....we did that by watching a good movie today !
     
  8. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, groupism happens in soceity on basis of language , region etc...although i dont like groupism....but sometimes its happens tht a group hangs out with each other so long tht they dont prefer a new entry to their group....
    Just wait n watch if u feel tht the group is ignoring u purposely and if u dont enjoy being with them ....u can silently make distance....
    And u can enjot with the kids,spend more time with them till they make gud friends...
     
  9. mp1234

    mp1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Yes,it feels really bad,specially for young kids.

    LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE .Take the positive out of the incident..as another "LESSON OF LIFE" .
    LIFE DOES NOT ALWAYS THROW "HAPPY PATH SCENARIOS". Your son is being groomed for the world and its ways.

    Like all others have said,pls explain that it is ok to be not included.Also,there will be many situations in life that will not be favorable for us.However,it is important that he accepts that,handles those properly ,learns and moves on.
    We,as parents always would prefer our kids to tread on "LEAST RESISTANCE PATHS".
    How will they learn to handle unfavourable situations ,if they do not come across such things ?

    Take heart,your son has got an opportunity to learn and grow.
     
  10. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I would call it comfort zone and not groupism.

    Say I meet 10 people in a group. Over time and few meeting, I will click with one or two in the group and I would like to spend time with them more. Time is a precious resource, I like to invest on people who are worth it.

    My girl friend gang is around 16..but I meet only 5 girls in that group in person. The rest I meet them only during parties.

    Don't think too much. They are just making a closer circle that they are more comfortable with
     
    sindmani and Rihana like this.

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