End of marriage life, well - almost !!!

guesshoo · Feb 10, 2015

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Ragini25 · Feb 10, 2015

What the hell is this abt DV/498 case? Thats just utter nonsense.
The guy is a good guy, he wants to go alone because he is not able to handle the past. Let him move on. All the DV/498 is just utter BS.

butterflyice · Feb 10, 2015

lavanya1980 said: ↑

Finally I met him in Rajendranagar police station after about a month and a half. He looked so worn out and appears to have lost so much of weight. My father managed to speak to the station CI through one of his colleagues' contacts and my husband was summoned. The CI talked separately to both of us. He said there's no real ground to file domestic violence but said he will do it if I am willing. He referred the case to Nampally family court. But he said, before going to that never ending process of court proceedings, he suggested to get neutral mediator to talk to us. The whole drama lasted about two hours.

My father and mother almost pleaded with him so much. He said he would do anything or give him anything that he asks for. He listened to them without a word. He returned to his kondapur men's hostel again.
Click to expand...

Thank God for some sane Police officers!

@Lavanya1980, I understand from this and the other threads you posted that you are in a pretty bad situation right now and this can cloud your thinking. Your husband obviously has not taken well to your disclosure post marriage. I think its important to find out if he wants to stay married to you or not. If yes both of you need to see a marriage counsellor, more so your husband. He is probably suffering from depression in addition to suffering from a persecution complex. It will not go away on its own.

Its important to ask yourself what do you want. Do you want to stay married to this guy or not. If yes there is a lot of work required. Both of you have different value systems; in your world its okay to have an affair and then disclose it to your husband only because neighbours might talk about it. He thinks he has been taken for a ride. Your value systems are incompatible. Even if you were to work on the issue at hand do you think you can live together amicably? Will you be able to put behind the fact that he kept asking you about your affair, went away to live by himself and that you suspected he might wander away from your marriage while on work at Tampa?

You have to be honest with yourself..

The second issue. Domestic violence, really? What did the poor man do to you? YOu mentioned he has provided for you financially. He is obviously in need of help and you have him summoned to the police station, the CI says you might be able to slap a DV case on him! Whoa! This is just plain wrong! Have you thought what it would do to him and his career? Even if your marriage ends, he still would not be able to get out of the DV suit!

Please, the fact that the DV law favors woman does not entitle you to misuse it! Again this is wrong.

sokanasanah · Feb 11, 2015

lavanya1980 said: ↑

... my husband was summoned. The CI talked...
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And you went along with all this?:spin

Lavanya, your better instincts are failing you! This is no way to set things right, this is no way to win someone's heart.

Meetings, mediation, imploring parents are all OK, but a police station? This is completely silly. What were you thinking? You may have done more harm to yourself than good. Groveling apologies are in order.

Shina · Feb 11, 2015

He has definitely overreacted to ur confession and you have waited and suffered long enough.I think you should stop approaching him now. May be that will bring him back when he realises that you have totally given up and if he does want you in his life than he has to do something.If he does not make any such attempt than it is time for you to accept the fact that it is over and try to move on.

I hope you realise the enormity of the mistake of nabbing someone on a false DV case when they have done no such thing. So many women who are real sufferers of DV stand to lose if women take this law lightly and use it inappropriately. And a poor man's reputation can get tarnished for life as this is no small accusation.

I am really mad at the CI who told you that if you wish i can slap a DV case even when he knew that there are no real grounds for it. He should have guided you properly.

All the best.

AprilLisa · Feb 11, 2015

I think this is not just your confession to him about your past, that has pushed him in depression( if you still don't think there is something wrong with him, then look at him now, you said he looked worn out and has lost weight). I think he is frustrated with the whole thing of being good and proper all the time that was preached to him by his family and value system. He had loved you very much for sure, and when you made your confession post marriage, he could not accept it, and felt cheated. He feels there is no use being good and not enjoying life unlike his friends, because even that did not fetch him a wife who is totally dedicated to him, but because of his nature he is unable to do that as well. He feels he has lost it. He is in a state where he is not able to differentiate right from wrong, and loosing the zeal to live internally, because now he doesn't know what is correct. He has lost faith in his value system. I think he badly needs help; if not from you, please make sure he gets it from his friends. Take his friend's help and make sure he visits a doctor/counselor; you can help him without being visible, without him knowing. By getting him called to the Police station, you are pushing him further into the dark pit. He needs help badly, please help him if you care, before it is too late.

pocahontas · Feb 11, 2015

Thats thing with the way we grow up. If we are good kids, we are promised a good future and a good spouse.
Good as in - get good grades at school, no girlfriend/boyfriend, no late night parties, no excessive calling/monopolizing the phone and so on. Basically, be what your parents what you to be!
So you almost start expecting someone *good* as your birthright. Because you were all this. Because you deserve it!!

And when that doesn't happen, you take it very personally! Because it doesn't make sense. Your goodness wasn't rewarded whereas people you knew didn't deserve it, somehow made it!!

How do I know? Four years back, I was single and some very bad things happened to me. I just didn't understand how it could happen to me - it was humiliating. I was being setup, and even in something as lame as an arranged marriage market, there were no takers! I was the quintessential good girl. I went to the best schools, had a super-awesome job that I was good at. I was definitely one of the good kids (by all standards) - no boyfriend, no drugs.

And then one of my closest friends got married. It was an arranged marriage that made her parents very proud. She had had her first boyfriend in class eight and had her first smoke in class nine. Few broken relationships and live-ins later, she got setup by her parents and agreed to go along with it, just for the heck of it. And met her Prince Charming!
I knew I shouldn't be jealous. I knew that I should be happy for my friend. She has been through some really bad times and she deserved a chance at being happy! I would also like to think of myself as very open-minded. For all differences I had with this friend, I liked her brutal honesty and she was one of my closest friends.

But to me - it just didn't make any sense. I was getting rap for photos that were supposedly air brushed and my parents had to be in some really bad conversations. All because, the potential groom realized how much I made, felt insecure and wasn't honest enough to say it out!
And my friend (smoker/ social drinker/ serious relationships in the past) was getting married to a guy who was understanding of her past relationships.

Four years later, I am still single. But I am better off at dealing with stuff like this. This friend is still one of my closest friends and she understands why I was acting weird in her reception. We never joke about this, though!

OP - give your husband some time. It may/may not have been a physical relationship. But that will not stop your husband from agonizing over the details. And for sure, he feels that his goodness has not been rewarded. In India, a lot of emphasis is placed on *purity* (physical/otherwise). It may take him some time to get over it, but he will not get over this away from you. That is a sure shot recipe for him getting over you!
Talk to him about it.

heron · Feb 11, 2015

I think its just unfortunate. Now a days most of the crowd is learning to accept few things which were taboo earlier. Few of them still are sensitive to going ahead with 'mingling' before getting married. Its not bad or good its just the way they are. But in these cases they are as much serious of their partner being the same.

It has been their sensitive issue to them and thats the reason why they chose not to 'taste'( his words). Your guy is from the second group. I think you must give him space and time. Thats the only way i see. Good luck

And please dont run into cases on him. He might do something drastic ( suicide or similar).... He just needs some peace.

Quebec · Feb 11, 2015

It seems like this......

You Sucker punch the guy......
Then you apologise profusely but he has refused to acknowledge it and is holding the grudge......

You are tired of his attitude.... So you put a gun to his head and tell him to accept your apology......

Well i would say its gone on far too long...... You both have precious lives to live and this just seems like a forced relationship which is gonna suck all the joy out of life and leave only sorrow for the two of you.......

May God bless you and the guy to find the right path.