Parental favoritism

Hi sanarthi,

Tell ur father that it is not healthy conversation, tell him that because of your force only I felt stress and didn't want to do what u told, tell him that u can't forget those punishments. It made a scar on you.

Tell that it is OK, if I am unfit, I have a loving husband to love who I am, and lovely kid, and cool life, that's all everybody longing for at the end of the day.

Just think how ur kid will feel if kid listens your father criticizing. So it should stop even if everybody feels sad for few days.

Tell when your mother is also there, she also should know.
he may feel sad , offended, but he will know what u felt.

 

First time parents make a lot of mistakes as parents which they correct afterwards. Beating up a child(in a fit of anger) is a nightmare for the child as well as the parent. The parent refuses to accept the guilt and deviates the anger again towards the child itself.But the realization of the mistake happens at one end of thier mind.So they change thier parental style with the second one.Thus the second child always emerges more confident .They generally are better handled than the first one.

The first child in some cases are more pampered and the parents correct that with the next child.

 

Dear Op,
My suggestion would be to avoid your parents involvement in your kids upbringing. Just be independent. Do not take their help at all. You lead your life. They will understand you more after they get more close to your sister. Just leave them!

 

Dear OP,
I understand your pain and I am really sorry that you are going through this.


Its obvious that your parents are so wrong. But trust me, someday, they will realize their mistake on their own. But, unfortunately, it wouldn't be of any use then. Also, people never learn anything until they are willing to and I am afraid, no matter what you say, your parents will not learn which will demoralize you further. Let them find their own way to realize their act.


But look at the positive side. They still showed love to you. They have made you a person who you are. Now, instead of a person who is waiting for their endorsement and approval, live your own life. Follow your interests and passion. Make new friends and influence lot of people. Like Mahatma Gandhi said, the best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others. Those others in this are not your parents. There are billions of people in this world and a lot of them will get comfort from your friendship, kindness, help.


I highly recommend the one book which I recommend lot of people. Its called the 7-habits of effective people, by Steven Covey. After you read, and it feels right, you can gift a copy to your dad as well.


Good luck.

 

you have built up a lot of resentment in your heart towards your parents. I am sure they too resent the way you are unappreciative of their efforts on your behalf too. This is not a good or healthy situation for you.

When there was so much negative history, why have you asked for their help to take care of your daughter? In a way you have confirmed their opinion of them. Though they came and are helping you, this is another mark against you, that even though you are now an adult you could not handle your own kid. On their side they too are sacrificing by relocating and taking the responsibility of the child which is not easy for them either.

Going forward this situation will cause more friction and arguments and the resentments will grow. There will be clashes on how to raise the child, accusations, interference etc. Better you handle your child on your own, and get your self confidence back. The resentment in your heart will burst out one day if you continue like this and then there will be a serious problem. That time an accusation that not only you were below average but also not a great mom and need help even with that will also be hurled. Do you really want all that? Right or wrong this is what will happen, so take steps now and cut free while the relation is still good.

There is a saying to paraphrase: 'better to live apart and remember daily with love than to live together and curse every day.' I think this applies to you.

 

We all crave for acceptance, validation and approval from our loved ones. However if that is not forthcoming, it is important we start distancing ourselves. Your parents' behaviour is not ideal but it sounds like they are not about to see it from your stance. It is best to stop getting into the discussion with them. Keep your interactions superficial until you are able to sort yourself out. There is no point getting into an agument and coming out being more hurt.

I sincerely suggest you go to a counsellor to work out how to accept the unfair treatment you have received. you will benefit highly from it especially as a young parent yourself.

You need to work out a way to move away from your parents and enrol your child in a daycare. With them next to you and the comparisons going on till date it is going to be very difficult for you to heal and come to terms with what has happened. Move away and focus on creating a harmonious environment with your husband and child.

Good luck.

 

Sandhya, in most of the case all these comparisons between siblings go away after a certain period of time when the children grow up and settled in life. But here your parents are still seeing you and your sister as a kid who are under their responsibility.
They are not ready to accept you as a adult who is married with kid and working. They are still not considering you as a women who got a job with her talent and parenting a kid as a responsible mother.
You cant change their mind set completely, but you can show them you are not the same girl that was some years back. Now you are an adult and act as a adult in front of them. Show them you are running a family successfully. You got a job with your talent and helping the family in financial crises. When your dad say anything to degrade you, tell him, everybody have falls in life and now I crossed that stage. I'm leading my family now and I have the capacity to lead a successful life.
Don't argue with your parents whenever these comparison talks arises. It will give a picture that you are incapable but not accepting it. Give them a matured answer and change the topic. Let them know that past is past and there is no use in arguing the same topic for years till you become a grand mom.
Dont bring your sister in this scenario, she grow up in an environment where you are degraded in front of her and she developed in her mind that she is better than you. It's not her fault. She is young and now entering into the real life. Yes marriage gives all the maturity to the girls. So she will understand you soon. Be a good friend to her. Don't forget to act as a adult and an elder sister to her.
Show the " gethu" ( hope you understand tamil)

 

Next time if they compare just say " Sorry to sound rude..but I am what I am. I am unique in my sense..and only one single piece in this world ".
And then laugh out loud..
I hope it hits where it has to and your parents realise their mistake.

 

Dear Op.....your parents were unfair to you.Period.They loved you ,brought you up but were unfair.They had unfair expectations from you,punished you excessively and put you down.Thankfully...they seem to have done a better job with your sister.

What can you do?...not much.They will not accept their mistake. Our elders were neither conditioned to accept their mistakes...nor apologize to their children.It is sad that they continue to do so till date.If it gets too much...calmly tell them you have had it with their disappointments with you.....and no longer interested in their views about you.

You can minimize your contact with them. Don't depend on them to help you with your daughter.Do it yourself.....with the help of your husband.

Parents can indulge in favoritism....mine do too(not as bad as yours though). I let it go most times...but sometimes do tell them to stop if it turns into favoritism between grandchildren too.

Op...your parents have other kids to compare...your husband has only you...your children have only you. Instead of wasting your emotions negatively on your parents...concentrate on the positive emotions on your kids and husband. I love my husband and kids so much more when my parents are here. I realize how much they appreciate me and love me. When you do this...the negativity from parents will become the blurred background that you don't have to focus on. Concentrate on the main picture...it is far more important.

Just remember....trying to make them accept their mistake is not going to happen and even if they realize it...you will realize that no matter what...hurting them won't make you feel any better.Their feeling hurt by their actions doesn't make one feel better...you will only end up feeling guilty.That is one trip not worth taking.(tried and tested)

Try to remember the good times with them.....and try to put the bad ones in the background....blurred.

If you need to talk...talk to a counselor or a good friend.....vent here.If your husband is your soul mate...you can confide in him.

 

Dear Op
Focus on yourself for nothing else matters. Your parents will never change and don’t ever hope they will. Instead of spending your energy in thinking of retorts and trying to get the message across to them why don’t you instead build your inner strength and confidence to take up new challenges in life. Your parents might have eroded your confidence and now is the time to regain that confidence and built a better life for your family, for your daughter.
You should refocus on yourself. Once you have regained your confidence, petty remarks thrown your way would not matter anymore. With strength and conviction, you will gain confidence, self-esteem and the courage to encroach on new ventures. After all at the end of the day it is your goals and vision that matters most.