Shy husband

As long as he dsnt stop u frm going u shudnt make this an issue ! Start with asking him to attend every alternate functions! Dont force him a lot ! For introverts its actually very difficult to be with ppl too much, it drains their energy.My father was never big on attending functions and all, he dint have the time, but he never stopped my mom from attending and let mom buy whatever she had to buy for the function. My mom never created any fuss abt this! Neither did the relatives! But yes he did personally call and congratulate the person hosting the function, and made sure that he thanked them for the invitation. That is important, my mom was mainly responsible for maintaining all the relations n attending functions. N we have never had the problem of ppl not coming to our event cz my dad didnt go.
If ur dh can mk the time then fine else ask him to call the one inviting thank them n congratulate them.
Just my two cents !

 

Dear bti, am sorry to hear about your situation. I understand how difficult will it be for you esp in human relationships. Am sure his side of the family will understand but your family will have difficulty. Plus if you leave him like how he is, it will gradually drain your energy.

You seem like a very mature person and am sure you can handle it well.
You can try to slowly incorporate getting himout of his comfort zone. It will take some time. But since you are newly married, you need to first feel comfortable with each other. Am sure you dont want to build a marriage on a shaky foundation. Check what myers brigg classification you and your husband belong to.


There has to be some history why he has become like that. Does he has siblings? Check if he is like that from his birth or its due to some incident. Your inlaws can give you some insights.


There are ways to deal with such things for each personality type. First be friends with him. Ask him to do the test for fun and work on it... only slowly incorporate.
Plus both partners have to be out of their comfort zones and be flexible to make a marriage work
Foundation years of marriage are very important. It is between you and him. Dont worry about others. Oonce you get hold of him, everything will fall in its place
Plz read stillness speaks by eckhart tolle if you have time
If its due to some personality issues, that can be slowly sorted out .


Compromise is the key to successful relationships. All the best...

 

Sorry to say, he is not shy person but he is having a inferiority complex try fix this issue with counciling .......

 

Yes I believe every personality type can be addressed in different way and its the underlying psychology that is the problem as each of us are conditioned differently. If you tell him right away that you need to take him for counselling , he will get offended. Get in to his good books, understand the underlying problem and deal with it. Haste makes waste. This has to be done slowly with lot of patience. Till then, tell your relatives that he is shy and as other friend has suggested ask your husband to call people and wish them. He has to understand that he is not single anymore and has to compromise. All the best...

 

Dear OP,
try inviting your folks in small groups...may be one family at a time for dinners...try having a nice ambience and do all sorts of things he likes...eventually he becomes friendly with them....some people take a lot of time to mix...and after sometime he would be interested to attend a function in which they are there so that he has company ...try this with folks who are kind of similar to him by nature...I hope you got me...May be one of your cousins hubby is also not very outgoing...and he likes to be in a corner chatting with his close buddy...those kind of things usually work

in my opinion, if you start going alone, it becomes a habit...then it would be like that lifelong...if he feels that you are not showing up for a function because of him and is extremely sad about it, he might try to put effort...

try from all angles...something or the other would work...don't create an impression by discussing with all as if he has some serious issue and all are working on it...take it lightly

all the best

 

OP, is this the case only for your family events or his too? If he does not attend either, it means that it is just his nature and you cannot do anything about it.
If he is OK with attending events in his family, but not yours, it means he is not comfortable mingling with people he does not know well.

You need to analyze the following:
- Does he try to stop you from attending your family events?
- Does he compel you to call his parents/relatives/attend their functions?

My DH is somewhat like yours and will not attend too many functions. And unlike someone above said, I do not think it has to do with having siblings or being an only child. I am an only child and my H has siblings, but I am more proactive about events on both sides and keeping in touch, compared to him. It is just one's personality.

In the beginning, my relatives used to go on about how my H does not mingle, speak to them etc. and the catty ones made sure the whole family knew that my H is not outgoing. Rather than being upset about it, it amused me and made me feel special that my private-person H was being so open/talkative with me, when that is not his basic nature.

My H has 1-2 favorite persons in my family who he is jolly with. Is there anyone in your family that your H feels relatively comfortable with? Maybe you can start by planning visits with them first.

All said and done, I think that it is important for you to be comfortable with and accept your H's behavior. If he does not have double standards with respect to keeping in touch with both sides (yours and his), you should just let him be. You seem to come from a big and close-knit family and hence you have expectations that he should also mingle. It is not fair to impose that on him. As long as you are active in keeping in touch, people will not outcast you or stop visiting-if they are truly close. The ones that do, do not matter.

It is also possible that your H encountered something unpleasant in the initial stages, with your relatives-some comments, jeers etc. possibly? I had some unpleasant experiences with some of my H's extended relatives and am clear that I do not want to go to events with them again.

 

Dear bti,
At the outset, rest be assured that 'shy husband' problem is not something unique to yourself. Majority of the males are shy in some form or the other. It is how they they mask and behave asif normal, lies their success. (I am not commenting about ladies as I don't want to carry coal to Newcastle).
First let's get to the root cause. That you say your DH is a 'very caring & responsible person' rules out many irresponsible causes for his behaviour.

Main causes could be
i) 'inferiority complex' & ii) fear of mingling with people in a group.

In the case of IC, we need to address the reason behind the complex like looks, status, education, employment ... Etc etc. but given that you are an Indian settled in US, majority of these could be ruled out.

As regards fear, I have come across scores of men, who are very comfortable with their friends but not so with strangers, to a varying degree. In your DH case, possibly it could be so bad that he even may not have many good friends with whom he is comfortable.

Be that as it may, in both cases, no amount of external elements like your pleadings, coarcings etc would have much positive impact. On the contrary, these could prove counter productive. The interest should be from within. 'How to kindle it?' is the question.

You can not solve the issue over night. Luckily, it is only initial stages of your married life and the problem could be nipped before it becomes too big.
Share your concern with your good friends & well wishers. Involve them. Ensure these people visit you more often when your DH is present. Let him get comfortable with them individually. Go for some vacation with a couple of families/ friends. This would improve his interaction with these families/ friends and he may not be much averse to attend the functions where they would be present. Make them personally invite him, rather than your forcing him. Being a shy type, he may not directly refuse to attend. Over a period, you would start seeing improvements. Idea is to make him open-up from within.

If your DH understands he has a problem and comes for counselling, nothing like that.
I don't want my reply to be too long, lest you may not even feel like reading it.
Normally, I do not get involved in ladies discussion. But, seeing a poor 'hubby' involved as the centre of 'action' (or is it inaction?) thought of taking a plunge.

Hope you won't mind it.

Wishing you all the very best.
Cheers,
Rrg

 

Looks to me that he suffers from social anxiety. If it is affecting him so much that he gets tensed about a get together months ahead of it, he needs to see a counsellor who will then try various approaches like cognitive behaviour therapy etc.

But you would know how he will react to such a suggestion . If u think he will not react favourably to this idea yet you could ease his initial anxiety by saying we will just show our faces and take a leave making up some excuse. That might calm his anticipatory anxiety and not let it build up in his mind. Once you are there chances are that he may not want to leave soon as he will find that he can handle it. Or else leave early and slowly step by step get him to come out of his shell.

Read up on the net and find out all about social anxiety and how u can help in overcoming it. Or else u meet up with a counsellor and learn how to help him. Good luck.