DH's plan to get PIL settle with us permanently.....

Everliking · Aug 4, 2014

Hi Ladies,

its going to be long but am in need of a quick suggesstions

am in 3rd trimester & as of now i dont have any problems with my DH family (touchwood) other then instead of saving he will lend his brother's a huge amount and even after the constant argument buying property on Mil's name always creates a issue between us.. I have only a hi bye relationship with my PIL's and i use to ignore all her unwanted talk's... Now the issue is

yesterday, I was telling my DH that i have only 90 days of maternity leave & i have included this year Annual leave of some 20 days and my mom will be here (she already has a residency visa as my dad & my younger sister is working here) for 6 months to look after the baby and then she has to travel to chennai to assist my elder sister who wants to start PCOS treatment...

DH doesn't want me to quit & even I told him the same (as i have some flexible timings and work place options and even i can take break/permission to leave early by 3-4 hrs etc) i told him when am off to work we can arrange for a baby sitter who resides in the same building and he was ok with it...

after he spoke to his mom, he told me that he is going get passport for mil ( i was silent) and after sometime he said if he haven't do the same to his father then he will make a issue out of it and he want them to stay with us permanently. if they are going to stay for a short time than am ok with it and they too have equal rights to be with the new family member but permanently raises a red flag as i have my own issues.... Mil is a chatter box, use to speak at the back, importantly super possessive for her second son & younger son (which is my DH) and she thinks herself as a GOOGLE who know everything and advises everyone even she doesn't know them personally just a intro is ok for her to advise... though FIL smoke he is a nice calm person until he drinks.. we cant see him a day without consuming alcohol .. once he consumes he use to speak all the bad words and sometimes no most of the times if my MIL speaks something he will beat her (DH told me this).. i haven't seen it personally as when i stayed with them he use to be missed in the evening/night and mil use to close all the doors by 9 itself saying he will be back only morning... and they doesn't know the exact meaning cleanliness which i cant stand with...

after hearing this passport process am super scared by thinking all this and at night i couldn't even sleep peacefully.. i dont know how to convey all this to DH. i just told him to think abt our financial perspective before starting as we will be 5 then & we have to look after all their needs.. DH haven't spoked to me after that... but today morning he asked me when i have my mom and dad here why cant he have his? for this i told him we are not financially supporting them to visit us or help us as my dad & sister are earning here and supporting my mom. so we aren't providing them with anything & without speaking a word he left for his work..

i dont know how to convince him on this? if its going to be a short term lets say for 3-6 months am ok with it... but the word permanently goes on repeating in my mind.. none in my family use to smoke or drink so am not accustom to people like that.. i feel like standing aloof from my own people. now in need of all your suggestions

akanksha30 · Aug 4, 2014

Dear OP,

Congrats for your pregnancy!! I was in a similar situation 4 years back. In the name of help my PILs and grandma IL were ready to move with us permanently. I never asked them for any help and I wanted my widowed mother to be with me for sometime.

DH was very adamant on this. He said if help is needed only his parents can provide that as my mom cant stay at daughter's place permanently. We had to provide completely for PILs (3 members), MIL is very dominating, comments on almost everything, pokes her nose in each and evry matter of the household (even my and DH relation), dominates in parenting of my dd etc. They wanted to come so that I can continue with my job. DH would have never allow for a baby sitter or a day care centre as he thinks only bad others do that (brainwashing by MIL). None of the options were working out for DH.

My Job was my half life (sense of completion, use of degrees, financial independence etc) however I left it to take care of my DD. I didn't want them to enjoy their life in the name of HELPING ME. They are self dependent in early 50s ppl. For the next couple of years they brainwashed my DH that I should rejoin the work, pressurized me in this or that way however I was very adamant and didn't rejoin. Now my DD is going to school and I am planning to restart my career. There are many obstacles like salary would be much lower etc however I still think I made a wise decision.

My life would have been hell if I had allowed PILs to come and help me. DH would have been washing his parents feet for helping his wife to do her job. I wouldn't have had any control on finances too. Home decisions would have been a distant territory too. I might have to fight for decisions regarding dd.

This was my personal experience in a similar situation as DH can be brainwashed easily by MIL. You may or may not fit into this situation. This worked best for me. I feel incomplete without a job however atleast I was and am the queen of my house.

Everliking · Aug 5, 2014

thanks for sharing your exp akanksha....

even sometimes i have a thought of quitting my job but am really scared of fully depending on my DH.. as of now just keeping my fingers crossed... if he really want too settle them here permanently then am going to quit my career and look after my baby by myself.

to update on my DH plan

DH made a skype call yday to let the elders know about his plan . i was silent throughout the call... after hearing everything Fil's told that he can't stay for a long time in new place and he wants to travel back home atleast once in 2 -3 months (Dh was silent) Mil interrupted and suggested its ok if we send them once in every 6 months as she wants to be with her other 2sons and their grandchildrens tooo... my elder Bil told that he will think about it and inform us while my other Bil just kept mum....both my co sister's were content with DH's plan.

after the call i once again remained him to think about the financial perspective and just hit the nail saying Airfares are gone up and we can't afford frequent travel per their wish instead if necessary i can quit atleast we can save those Airfare and other expenses for our betterment.. it seems DH is deeply thinking on it... but still he is waiting for his brother's suggestions tooo...

sweetshreya · Aug 5, 2014

Instead of going round about the issue stating finances and all, tell him gently but clearly that you are not comfortable with this 'permanent' idea. Suggest him to take one thing at a time. Let them come for few months, see how they adjust, how well you all get on together, how helpful/pleasant you all are to each other and then only decide on whether to have them permanently or not.

He must know clear and transparent that YOU are not prepared. Because the matter of finances, childcare, etc are going to resolve in matter of time. When they do, this question will raise its head once again and you will have to look for another argument.

Nd123 · Aug 8, 2014

Smoking is very harmful to the baby. Google second hand smoke and send the articles to your husband.

Next skype call, speak up and thank your FIL for being willing to quit smoking. Act like it is a foregone conclusion.

Looks like your FIL is already reluctant. This will probably make him refuse.

Everliking · Aug 10, 2014

@sweetshreya - i have already told him that am not comfortable having them here permanently he haven't even let me to speak what i have in mind & his reply was to get prepared for that as you are their DIL so you have to adjust them... after hearing this i just walked out from that place. he is still not letting me to speak any thing about this and he is waiting only for his Brother's thoughts...

@ Nd123 - thanks for the suggestion. i will try this and update how it gets on with...

nalinidiv · Aug 10, 2014

Op,
Am also in a similar situation but i had has a bad experience with my ils. My dh is super sentimental on dis issue. He says he wants to spend his time with his dads final days.though his dad is healthy n young (jus abt 60yrs)he uses words like dis to emotionally black mail me. Am still holding tight on my stand. U also do so. We will find a solution soon