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How to tackle MIL and Co-sis

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Meerakrish06, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. Meerakrish06

    Meerakrish06 New IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies

    I am new to this website and i wanted to share my critical situation on how to balance the MIL and co-sis..... Let me tell my story.. i got married 3 yrs back and living in diff state with my hubby and my son(1 1/2 yr old). Since we both are working we were separated from my IL's post wedding, MIL is very possessive about her son(2 son's, my hubby is the eldest one) and i see him replicating his mom in almost all the activities he do (financial planning, greeting others, way of talking... almost all).My FIL is alos under her control, whatever she says they both listened to her... I also heard a comment from his relative post wedding that my MIL loves her son a lot since my BIL never listen to her words. Life was good initially.. post my conception either my mom or IL's started staying with us on an alternative months and i always feel happy when my mom stays with me :) days passed... am continuing my job post pregnancy and still my mom and in-laws stays with us on an alternative mths to take care of my kid... during mom's stay she had never told me to cook on the weekends, instead she will tell me to spend time with my kid (datz mom's love always), but my MIL expects me to cook during weekends and she never let my kid to come to me, coz if he sees me in kitchen he'll start crying to lift him.. so she will close the kitchen door and sit along with my FIL, hubby and my kid either in hall or kitchen... this really irritates me and i could not control my emotions,,, sometimes i'll show my face towards her.. we will not go out anywhere during weekends during her stay with us...i'll be very tired of doing all the work from morning and she expects me to make a tea for her and my hubby in the evening... this irritates me a lot...i'll control my emotions and do it for them.. this creates a lot of problem with us... though am serving/caring my in-laws, my hubby always tells that i still not become part of their family as am very close to my parents and not taking care of my in-laws properly.... the main reason is that my MIL acts cranky sometimes, whatever i buy she would be looking of similar kind for her (handbag, purse, saree..so on and on) i don't like that attitude and my mom never do like that and she had never asked for anything, she use to tell us to go for a movie during weekend and i had never heard such words from my MIL..... when i think of all these i'll get frustrated and i'll show my anger face to her and my hubby never supports me(still he listen to his mom for each and everything)...

    my BIL has got married recently (married to my MIL's sister's grand-daughter). she is pursuing her master degree, born n brought up @ my in-laws place hence very attached to my IL's and to my hubby as well from her childhood and the most important thing is she always listen to my MIL (her own grand-ma, accepts whatever she tells)....i can't be like that.. nodding our head for everything she tells....secondly when my in-laws stay with us she use to call my co-sis everyday and check what she's doing, whats hpng over there, what she had cooked.. so on and on....but i had never received regular calls from my MIL when me and my hubby apart from them after wedding...my co-sis will not speak much to me when we go and stay there for 2 or 3 days... i had also seen my MIL giving her ear-rings, bangles, long chain to my co-sis to wear during functions and for me she use to give me one long chain when i go to temple along with her... also staying with my in-laws she's getting very close to their friends n relatives, i feel that i am separate from them being their elder DIL... when i tell all these to my hubby he says "of course yes, becoz she's(co-sis) taking care of my parents nicely and obviously they will give more to her than you", i get irritated when he says like that and the question raise i my mind is "should i need to listen to my MIL for everything only for her jewels and properties".... then what about my integrity? i really hate this concept...... am badly in need of your kind advice on how to handle the situation...
     
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  2. neetugtb

    neetugtb Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Dear
    From my own experiences with 2 elder co sis, 1 SIL and over competent MIL, I have learnt that it is useless to compete in territories where others already excel unless you have a streak and you are bent upon on proving yourself. Sorry dear for being straight forward but it is hard to get equal to your co sis status unless she treats your ILs in extremely inhuman bad manner which will not happen as she is a relative of MIL and already enjoys her favour. Divide and rule being a policy with ILs, this is going to serve as a motivation load all your life especially when your DH thinks in the same manner.
    So how do you make a place for yourself? Stop chasing them, create your own brand value. There must be some features unique to you, so make them your strong points. Let people acknowledge them and respect you for them, make yourself skilled and become confident of yourself. As for weekends, it's just not MIL, it's your DH too, so he should be the first one to be ready for an outing. These expectations are so surprisingly shocking, there is no comparison between your mother and MIL. So, get your DH addicted to stress free enjoyment during weekends while your mother is in so that he misses and yearns for it in the other half too.
    As for the kid, yes, this is your right to have special pampering sessions with the baby but again I suppose you can give it a try to win DH on your side because you are made to that otherwise also so why not show off that you are doing it especially for them, thinking and playing diplomatically is always better than playing straight forward.
     
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  3. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Meera , Expectations make our life become hell .So please don't expect your MIL to be your mother, instead be happy with all the help you get from her.Be pleasant with your in -laws and don't compare yourself with your co-sis (i have 3 co-sisters).We are not perfect ,so don't expect others to be perfect. Share a good relation with your MIL and co-sis instead of grudging thier togetherness.It will take time for you to enter thier world be patient.Don't expect things to develop over-night.Your MIL is doing you a great favor by serving you all through the week and it is wrong on your part to grudge to cook for them on weekends. If you want a free time order from out-side for week ends ,try to make her weekends filled with variety.If she feels she is appreciated for the help she is doing she will be happy and behave differently with you. Don't expect her to call daily instead try calling her frequently.Closeness with in-laws is not an over-night magic portion.Some times a special affection towards one co-sis cannot be avoided,learn to accept and make peace with it.And don't show your dissatisfaction to your co-sis,find ways to be friendly with her. (This is the same advise i give to my co-sisters ,it works 100%)
     
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  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    1) I agree with @pear. MIL CAN NEVER Be like your mother. So Stop all expectations from her. Consider her as a guest. So even if you have a grudge, you have to make tea for them because she is a guest.
    2) Hire a maid to cook if possible, This will give you some time to relax on weekends.
    3) STOP bothering about your Co-Sis and her relationship with MIL. You really dont know whats happening in the background. She probably is as harried by your MIL as you. So, stop competing with her. The more you give importance to her, the more it is going to ruin your peace of mind.
    Is a piece of jewellery really that important to you? Let your MIL bestow everything to your Co-Sis, dont get jealous or show any bad feelings. Its between them - you be the bigger person and do not let them get to you.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op,
    Both you and your husband need to stop comparing .Stop comparing the respective mothers...stop comparing the dils.

    Your mil is not your mother. Accept that as a matter of fact. If you can't help her during weekends ....get a maid to do it. She takes care of your child during the week and deserves her weekend off. Don't compare with mom because your mom get pleasure in taking care of you.She is not your mother. Just accept the fact.

    You know co sis is from the family and has grown up with them.It is natural for her to like her and give her more. Besides she listens to her.That makes her more likable.

    Yes...you need to toe her line and please her if you want a share of the goody i.e jewelery and property. That is the way it is.If you cannot do that....then there is a better way. Earn ,save and make your own.Believe me...it is far more satisfying .

    Solution.....Make your own property.You won't have to bend over backwards for any one.

    You have two people who are willing to give up their lives to come and help you out so that you can continue to work. Enjoy it and appreciate it. Both are already giving you so much.don't expect more.Don't compare and then you will be happy.
     
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  6. kanvitha

    kanvitha Senior IL'ite

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    hi there

    even i felt the same as others, there is no way that you compare your mom and mother in law because moms will try to make your life easy and she wants to see you happy every mom will do the same ,whereas for mother in law your just her sons wife,dont compare to your co sis because she is always a member of family from childhood so definitely there is a difference between you and her if you want the same relation with your mother in law be nice to her and you dont want her to buy the things which you own ,let her if you do so she will be happy and maybe she will be nice with you i feel nothing wrong becoz we ladies are like that if we see any nice things ,we feel like we should have one ,same with your mother in law,so dnt worry about all these just try to be yourself ,be nice
     
  7. Nd123

    Nd123 Gold IL'ite

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    You want to do what you want and then you also want your MIL to love and appreciate you for it ( when it is not to her benefit). Not gonna happen ... ever.

    You need to pick one. Live by your choices and be the bad DIL or follow your MIL's instructions and be her favorite - getting jewelry and property in the process.

    Your husband is right. Co sis deserves to get more.

    Regarding the cooking over the weekend, in your particular case, I do believe that you should cook and maybe even serve them tea. Coz she is there to help you and she cooks the rest of the week.

    What you can do is cook something simple, buy precut vegetables, buy a microwave/ slowcooker - things that will make cooking quick.

    Or encourage the habit of eating out. You can start that when your mom is here so it looks as if you always do that.
     
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  8. coolsandy

    coolsandy Gold IL'ite

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    locking the kitchen door??????????????????????? how cheap is that???? next time when she does, pretend that you fell unconscious due to suffocation... don't open the door by yourself and don't lock it from inside... let her bolt it from outside.... start preparing something, like chopping veggies or so on, do not lit the stove... after 10 mins or so, drop everytihng on the floor.... and ....u fall down too... pretend u had dizziness for whatever reason...if they come to u immediately, well n good.... else.... do not wake up at all.. till they come.... lie in the same position....
    .
    that shud teach the whole bunch a good lesson...f.il.my?????? but works.....................
     
  9. coolsandy

    coolsandy Gold IL'ite

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    btw, tackling your mil..... u need to have much patience... until then nothing wud work.....it has to be a slow and steady process.... won't change overnite...

    btw, just asking... how is your sexual life? do u engage in erotic ways to satisfy ur DH... no offence intended.... but I have seen a friend...facing similar problem.. but then it all changed when my friends started various erotic ways to please her DH... his behavior changed dramatically.
     
  10. chillbreeze

    chillbreeze Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Meera, as other posters have said, first we need to understand that mil is different from mother and hence comparing them or expecting them to behave the same way is fruitless. Of course, your mother will be more loving towards you and sensitive to your needs and feelings. If you expect the same kind of treatment from your mil you will be losing your peace of mind. Once you tell yourself that, your expectations from mil will automatically reduce.

    I don't have a kid so I am not sure how to handle that. Others may give you better suggestions on that one. But I think you should try to take some time out just for your family during weekends, even if it is just a walk to nearby park with your DH and child. Try to plan your chores accordingly and ask other members of the family to help you if you feel overburdened. I like the idea of eating out suggested by Nd or you can order in.

    Your mil will feel more attached to your cosis if she is her relative and has practically known her all her life. And its not a surprise or big deal if she gives her jewels or other stuff. It is her wish to give her things to whomever she likes. Why do you want things from her. This reminds me of the false entitlement thread. But I feel you should be glad that your mil doesn't call you often and expect you to share each and every tiny detail of your life with her such as what you are cooking. Many would be glad if mil doesn't call often. Even your cosis may be thinking that your life is better because you don’t have to answer your mil for each and everything and you live away from her.

    Since your cosis lives there, she has made friends with other family friends and relatives just like you may have some friends in the place where you live. You can always get to know your relatives when meeting them in a function, exchanging numbers, calling them once in a while or invite them over. But if it were me, I would be just happy to maintain a limit with relatives and so called family friends.
     
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