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Anyone in my situation? Help please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by needpeace, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. needpeace

    needpeace New IL'ite

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    I am married to a person who is a college drop-out. I have dual degrees. I am working in a big concern with a good salary. He has his own business and earns really well. Mine is an arranged marriage, rather forced marriage. Character wise, he is a perfect gentleman and never hurts me for any reason. He adjusts a lot for me. He loves me unconditionally. But his qualification, the fact that he can't speak English are really disturbing me. My kind of situation is very rare and no one in this generation would have even thought of these kind of match. May be would have happened in our previous generation. I am not able to go out and meet my friends with my husband who are well educated and leading a prestigious life. How can I stop feeling like this? How much ever I try, I am not able to take it out from my thought. Please help me.
     
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  2. aabcii

    aabcii Gold IL'ite

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    is this really a issue .. i can say its silly issue ..
     
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  3. sweetshreya

    sweetshreya IL Hall of Fame

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    Cherish the qualities he has, instead on focusing on what he lacks. Think like this : when he becomes a rich and successful businessman in the future you only are going to regret weighing him on the scale of education and english speaking. :)

    Having said that there are many things you can do :

    1. Does he have time? Encourage him to finish his education and graduate. He can further get online MBA degree which will be helpful to him in his business.
    2. You teach him English. Kapil Dev couldn't speak English earlier. His wife taught him and look at him now (citation needed towards the claim :hide:).
    3. Do you have kids. Teach them & DH together. Make it a rule that you talk only in Eng at home.
    4. You can play many romantic games with your DH which will help him in this matter. Ex: Translating hindi songs in english and making the other guess which one it is. :)
     
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  4. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    You should count your blessings that he is loving, takes care of you and is financially stable despite being a college drop out.

    First of all, get over the fact that he is a college drop out. College is not for everyone and academia is not everything nor is it a golden ticket to guarantee you future success. It's the motivation, determination and efforts that will define how successful you are. Just check out these people to remind yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_college_dropout_billionaires

    As far as his english is concerned...it's no big deal. Be his teacher and help him learn. I imagine he's too busy to enroll into an english class so if that's not a possibility, consider using online tutorials, videos like on youtube, Khan academy, or even digital apps (they even have it for mobile these days). Immerse him a little bit in english, too...watch english movies together, listen to english music or audio programs (e.g. NPR), read english books to him out loud and ask him questions in between), speak to each other in english. Think of what you would have wanted or expected from him had the situation been reversed.

    My husband was not fluent at English and a little uncomfortable with it when I first met him because he only moved to out here for his masters' degree and just started working...whereas I grew up in the US and I can speak/understand hindi fluently but only to the extent of which I have been raised with (which is like hindi frozen in time 20 years ago) but i can't read/write hindi. I taught him by immersing him, and he teaches me new hindi phrases, words and I try to read/write more around him. Basically we both have things we're great at and others that we need help learning.

    So be patient with your husband and help him learn. Be mindful to not be condescending or project your insecurities onto him. In fact, I think it helps level the playing feel if you, too, identify something that he can teach you.

    Hope this helps!
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2014
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  5. chillbreeze

    chillbreeze Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP, I guess I am in your situation. Mine is also an arranged marriage. I am also a dual degree holder, working in an MNC and earning well. MY DH is into business. He has completed his UG through distance education but he too is not well-versed in communicating in english, be it verbal or written.

    Though I too wanted a guy who has good english skills, but I wasn't disturbed by this much. Because DH is a wonderful person and he has helped his family to get back on feet after they suffered a major loss in business. This was when he was 18 and he didn't get a chance to go to college or spend his youth like others. I am proud his hard work and all that he has achieved.

    Like Shreya said I focus on his positives and speak to him in english when we are alone (we live with our pils). I also correct him gently without sounding like criticizing. Of late, we have started watching english movies also in my laptop. I found this a very good idea because we get to spend time together and enjoy my favorite movies.

    All my friends are in different cities, so I haven't had that situation where I have to meet them with my DH. But when we go out for shopping/dinner to some trendy place, I do the talking and he doesn't mind.

    One thing I suggest you is not to undermine his self-confidence. Be subtle about the changes you are trying to implement, otherwise he may think you are not happy with the way he is and feel bad or try to resist it. I am not sure about your husband, but mine didn't have any idea of fashion or was not used to go out to nice restaurants/theatres/shops. I never pointed this out to him. I just got him some really nice stuff to wear and asked him to accompany me to places I like and it turned out he likes it. He just didn't have the guidance before.

    PS. My friend's husband is from a metro city, an MBA holder and working in an international bank and she said she has ordered a grammar book to help her husband improve his english because he doesn't speak well. So I guess degree doesn't have to do anything with it.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Teach him English. That's the only problem I could see in your marriage right now. He is not illiterate. His education is not a barrier to his side of the work. Everything seems fine except for English.

    For me English is just a language, not a scale to weigh someone's knowledge.

    In my country it is not allowed to study in English medium till your secondary education. So, we learn English along with French and one of local language as a secondary/third language only. Not even the primary language, as our mother tongue remains primary.
    But we are very fluent in English both oral/writing only by learning it privately.

    If you have British council or any learning institute for professional English in your area, just help him enroll there. Its just 3-6 months course. Oran English comes through practices.

    Do not lose such a wonderful man just for English. Because all I know is, a caring, affectionate, loving, healthy and an earning husband is required for a happy marriage not his English quality.
     
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  7. needpeace

    needpeace New IL'ite

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    I don't know why. But tears roll out when I read your answers. May be because my mind wants to change my thoughts but the society and status is not allowing me to do.

    My husband is actually liked by everyone because of his sense of humour. He keeps the place happy filled with fun.

    @Sweetshreya: He doesn't have time to complete his degree. He is busy with his business. Also I guess he has lost interest in completing it.

    @Chillbreeze and Hasteraho: I have tried teaching him English. But to be very honest, I criticize him a lot. He feels bit down (Even then he had not told bad about me). I criticize because of my frustration. I know I am wrong but I cant help it.

    Sometimes when he pronounces wrongly, I correct it and the next time he makes sure he doesn't make the mistake again. But I personally feel that he finds it difficult to deliver a full sentence ( of course not practised it yet. But I feel so).

    When we happen to meet my friends (only during some functions like marriage, house warming...not otherwise like parties, get together), he behaves so decently and my friends will also like him. But deep down in my heart, I will always have a feeling that he may pronounce some words wrongly or make the situation embarrassing.

    Yet to have a baby. As far as education is concerned, it's me who have to help my baby. Even that feeling makes me to feel bad.
     
  8. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP, I feel the blockage is with you, you feel this will happen or that will happen, and then due to your insecurities you feel bad. But see your husband... that gentleman is doing perfectly fine. Don't think of others and society, they will not be there when you need them, if they are the kinds who will criticise or think low about a person who can't speak much english.

    When you are in pain, its your husband who will be caring for you, and that time you will not judge him for his english, but be thankful for being there for you. Think of having a husband, who speaks great with people, and when you are in pain or sick, asks you to get your own medicine from shop, as he can't go out anymore after a day's work at office..... i have one such husband.... so i know better how it feels!!! You know i have even stopped telling him when i am sick or in pain... i hope you don't want to be in that situation.... so be happy for what you have dear.... all the best to you and your DH.
     
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  9. Varshap21

    Varshap21 Bronze IL'ite

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    Concentrate on positive things he have and move ahead in your life.
    Education is necessary in good life, but speaking fluent English doent mean that the person is always well mannered and wise.
    He have married you and performing Hus duties very well then why you should worry?
    Relax and enjoy life with your DH
     
  10. neetugtb

    neetugtb Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Needpeace, it is your own inferiority complex that is bogging you down. Imagine had you two belonged to an English speaking community and your DH could not speak hindi, would your reaction be the same? English is not our native lingo, even well educated people don't have the right grip on grammar and pronunciation. We keep learning throughout our life. You must have learnt to use computer only a few years back. So will he, at least the basics as fluency depends on interaction level.
    Try using simple words in regular conversation, proceeding to simple sentences. English newspapers, subtitled movies can help. As for kids, there are illiterate parents or educated ones who cannot help, you can always go for tuitions. You can help in subjects u are good at, he with what he is, be it sports. You are not giving marks for his teaching talent!
    Stop feeling low or criticizing, you can live without english but it is difficult to live with a bad husband. Be proud of what he has and be supportive for what he doesn't. You are always there to fill in for that.
     

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