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Please help- DH's past affair

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vgpss, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you are being too easy going and forgiving about the situation. Until you firm up and give him a reason to take action, he won't. What's the motivation when you've so easily accepted everything the way it is. Your husband wants his cake and eat it, too.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2014
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly......And he is taking the bakery home too.
     
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  3. Marun

    Marun Platinum IL'ite

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    Ouch!

    That hurts. Am not going to tell whose mistake it is or whom to be punished.
    The reason can be anything. You are too liberal and he took advantage of. The mistake may be with that lady! it can be anything.

    Just thinking what's next which will be good for you!
    1. If you are willing to be independent forever, sue this fella legally. He will learn his lesson for wrong doing.

    2. Tell women's husband. Such things shouldn't be left un-revealed.
     
  4. helpmeangel

    helpmeangel Platinum IL'ite

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    I just have one question.. are you sure that their affair has ended? What if he is continuing it in your absence? Also, what if they are using different ids now to chat?

    All I am saying is, please do more research before you go ahead and forgive him. I am sorry that you have to go through this ill luck.
     
  5. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP

    I read everybody's response. They have given wonderful suggestion..

    * Take care of yourself and your baby first..

    * As someone suggested, create a anonymous mail id and
    MAIL her husband about their affair.(and share their chats if you have)

    -> This will abruptly end their relationship. You can be 100% sure,
    that they DONT have affair anymore. And her husband mite take
    actions/precautions to Move/Be away from you people..
    Solves your problem, of keeping them away, and 100% sure of affair end..

    -> If her husband, confronts your husband, that he got a mail like this, your
    husband will know its you for sure.. So be strong and clear to say, you
    did what you felt is right...

    * Put conditions to your husband.
    You are ready to forget and move on, ONLY if he agrees to this..

    -> He has to change job and move to Different location(even if its Singapore)
    -> He has to totally cut talking to her and her husband and family.
    (Hopefully once u mail her husband, this will be taken care)
    -> Even after this, till you get complete trust on him, keep a eye on his activities..
     
  6. spandana7

    spandana7 Senior IL'ite

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    OP
    What i understood from ur post is that u really has strong feeling for ur husband and u think ur husband loves u too and thats why u r trying to make this marriage work but somewhere i also felt that u r not much vocal abt the way u felt abt his affair and has not discussed it in detail with ur husband ..............ppl here can advice u but its u who has to be strong and take some decision abt ur future .Dont take things lightly now and talk to him with open heart .Tell him how much u r depressed and how many sleepless nights u have becoz of his affair .........have a long chat with him and tell him that u want to give a last chance ....now its upto him to choose between friendship or family .
    Also as per my opinion dont tell anything to that lady`s husband .......men dont take these things lightly and he may try to hurt ur husband .........so better avoid this option.
    U can try talking to that woman ........tell her that u know everything and use all abusive words so she will not think abt going near ur husband again .........tell her that u can disclose everything to her husband so its better for her to go away from their life for ever .........this way that lady will herself try to intiate the moving process.
    Dont allow ur parents in this case .......in case u guys really make it up in the future even than ur parents will have some hard feeling for him .....so better not to tell them anything now.

    Earlier u were alone now the baby is also there so think wisely .Plz dont feel depressed and dont cry ........its not good for ur health and ur baby ....have a positive mind .....u cannot change his past but u can throw that lady out of his present so only u can be his future ......
     
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  7. oysterzzz

    oysterzzz Gold IL'ite

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    If you want to work on your marriage, the first thing you should do is not to leave your hubby alone. You should first go back to SG and stay with him.

    The next thing you should do is to see that he's cut off with that woman totally. For this, like others said, tell that woman's husband about their affair. When pressure comes from that woman's husband, only then she would leave your husband alone. Otherwise she might use her tactics like before to get close to him, behaving like a teenager. Forget about friendship, guilt or embarrassment. Cut all the connections with their family. They shifting from SG doesn't sound real to me. Why are you waiting for someone to shift? Give your hubby some time to find a new job. Since Chinese new year is nearing, there will be more job openings after that. Remind him how serious you could be, if he repeats the same thing.

    Please don't think too much. It's the other woman who should lose her sleep now, not you. Expose her to her husband.
     
  8. Den

    Den Bronze IL'ite

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    Your thoughts are going to haunt you for a while and there is nothing you can do about it other than distract yourself. Your new kid is important and so is your motherhood, so try and focus on that. You must be at a standstill regarding your future (married life). If you plan to join him, take it a day at a time. Observe his effort over time. He needs a job change and should do so eventually. Also, better he confronts the lady(OW) and says that he is through with her and have no more communication. He could speak in front of you or tell him to tell her that you know all the details. Let her deal with how she passes the information to her husband. Most important, look after yourself. you've had a raw deal - a lesson to learn so get stronger and independant. I've known a couple of relationships which have started on a wrong note: arranged marriages where either the husband or wife were involved with someone when they got married and have worked positively through it
     
  9. samal

    samal Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to state this, he is cheating on you as well the lady's husband.

    I wud say, if you disclose their affair to the lady's husband, there is chance her dh to divorce this lady. Later ur DH may go back to her saying she needs support. so think on this one.
    Join ur husband first, see how attached he is to ur baby. Keep pressuring him to find another job in some other place,tell him only then, you can forget about it. Talk to the lady, tell her you know every thing and warn her to stay away from ur DH. Keep alert on their relationship ever.
    How is she to her husband and children normally? attached and looking for opportunity to leave them, check that one too.. Keep alert on their relationship till u move from that place.
     
  10. samal

    samal Silver IL'ite

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    Missed this Donot speak about their relationship all the time, just say you you can forget only when you move out of that place with him..
     

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