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Losing Mental Balance - Need help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rinapt, Jan 23, 2014.

  1. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

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    {{{Hugs}}} to you. I really feel for your Dear. The ladies are right, let him initiate divorce (somehow I think he won't).

    The best revenge is to be happy. It's hard to do at this point, so instead I suggest listening to your heart, because your heart is your spiritual guidance. The Christians say that God will give you Beauty for your Ashes, Stars for your Scars.

    If you have a hard time thinking positive thoughts, look at God, look at Lord Krishna, look at Buddha, look at Allah, look at Jesus, etc. And slowly slowly you will see things change.

    Either your Husband will have a change of heart, or something else will happen where God provides you with best Husband.

    It happened to another lady on these forums, I'm not sure where her thread it.

    We are praying for you, and wishing best for you dear.
     
  2. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm really sorry to read the situation you are in and what you've endured because no one deserves to be treated that way.

    You need to remind yourself that you are every bit of a wonderful, loving person who has demonstrated patience and resilience and you deserve to be respected and loved. Do not rely on external factors to make you happy (your husband, PIL and parents included). You need to love yourself in this and a suicide attempt will not fix anything. Rather, you'd be compromising your child's situation (your husband can use your suicide attempt against you by saying you are mentally unstable to care for the child so please do not do any such thing to compromise the safety, security and custody of your child and if it helps, start consulting with either a counselor, therapist or divorce lawyer if you feel that divorce is your way out).

    Please summon the strength that you've used to endure the past years of mistreatment and use it to focus only on you and your child. Don't let this man and his family be the deciding factor of your happiness or your longevity or make those past efforts you've made to be in vain.

    Unfortunately, from your description, it's clear that the man you married is a chauvinist asswipe for proceeding forward with a marriage without being emotionally prepared for it and making no effort to make it work. As some of the other posters here suggested, it's a terrible person to raise a child around and terrible mentality to expose a child to. No matter what he or his PIL say, you are valuable and have so much positivity to impart on the world. Don't let him take that away from you. It is he and his PIL who have failed you so you need not punish yourself or your child.

    Focus on you and remind yourself about what made you happy before this guy. Your family? Your friends? Any hobbies? Whatever it is, muster the strength to refocus yourself on those things. You were happy before this man, you very well can be happy again!

    I am aware of the social taboo around divorce in the southasian community but I don't see why you should stay in this marriage when you realize it's not been a happy journey and it'd be foolish to expect him to change and get better. You've given it your all (kudos to you for doing that) and not only has it gone unacknowledged and unappreciated, but it's plainly not working out.

    Once you've reached the mental, emotional and financial independence, I would say it's time to let go and let the pieces fall where they may. It will be difficult roller coaster in the short term but it may be exactly what you need to be able to find longer-term happiness without being mistreated this way. If your parents are aware of your plight, I cannot imagine them forcing you and their grandchild to remain in it.

    On the other hand, if you are still not ready to divorce, you can make your separation from him very explicit emotionally, mentally and physically. You could just stop caring about him entirely. Tune him out and continue to focus on you and the child. Stop expecting him to change. Stop making food for him, stop expecting him to come home, stop acknowledging his presence altogether. Make new friends or speak to a counselor or connect with a support group who can help you transition out of this marriage and ensure that your child custody is not jeopardized.

    There's some articles I recently came across that I would like to share with you: 7 Things to Remember When You Think You
    Letting Go and Starting Over When It's Hard

    Hope this helps and good luck!
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2014
    4 people like this.
  3. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    I know it is extremely difficult culturally, but take care of yourself first and then everyone else, including your family/relatives. Besides, looks like yours was an arranged marriage? If so, they should feel responsible for it as they did the background check and got you married. It if were a personal selection, they may go around with the "I-told-you-so" nonsense for the rest of your life. Either way, at some point, you got to get past this. If your marriage with this man is difficult, your handling your family will also be difficult. So either way, it is going to be difficult. But think long term. Long term your parents will be easier - they will whine and moan and weep for how many years? Not many, they will get over it. But will you ever get over the difficult man you are living with? Do you see yourself raising this kid with him as a father? If not, better to remove yourself from this environment that is making you depressed and suicidal.

    No matter what you do, do not mess with your health with drinks, medications, sleeping tablets, junk food, etc. Cook for yourself and eat healthy. So what if he eats outside, let him fall sick. Take care of your and your kid's health. Build strength, both physical and mental, for you are going to need it.

    Really, a bad marriage is not the end of the world. So what it did not work out, your parents made a mistake. After a while it is no longer about right or wrong, good or bad, it is about are you both able to adjust and live in harmony or not. If not, and it is tormenting you to the point you are desperately exploring to escape, I will say at least it is time for a break, even if you are not going to sign the divorce paper immediately.
     
  4. ramyakrish1

    ramyakrish1 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Rina,

    Hugs to you. Please do not attempt to inflict any harm or pain on yourself. Suicide is not an option at all. You should immediately move out with your child and start living with your parents for some time before you move into an independent house. Maybe, somewhere close to your parent's house or your workplace.

    1. You have a job and can manage to meet ends. That is a good beginning.
    2. Nobody has the right to rob you of yourself. Yes, we make compromises, sacrifices and sometimes contribute more than the spouse. But, that should be an exception and not the rule.
    3. If you are in the US, as per your avatar, you should get a restraining order citing cruelty.
    4. Getting married again need not be a disaster. There are a few good men still around. I am fortunate to be married to one.
    5. Your husband is a loser. Ogling at others, making cheap statements are all signs of someone who is morally impotent.
    6. Do not bother with things like food, him not talking and so on. You have been mentally abused by an inconsiderate family. You should end this abuse and move on.
    7. Please stay strong and do lean on your friends and the Indus Ladies family. Giving up your life would only make your husband's family claim victory.

    I hope and pray to God to give you the strength, resolve and a positive mindset to fight your way out.
     
  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    hmmm.. Sorry to hear your situation..
     
  6. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you.
    Please try and seek some counselling ASAP.

    You seem to understand that this is not working, but feel tied down when you think about your parents.
    Please give more importance to yourself, your feelings and your child.

    Your parents will gradually come around but your child needs his/her mom to be strong. If you kill yourself, who will take care of your child?
     
  7. breeze01

    breeze01 Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel pathetic at this marriage because I dont feel I am married. I cook my own food, he does not even eat what I cook. When I cook at home, he goes out and eats alone. So I stoppped cooking for myself. He goes to one place and I go to another have dinner alone and come back. Yesterday I tried to strangulate myself and my throat is hurting so much, am not even feeling motivated to go see a doctor. Who knows doctor might suspect suicide attempt and make it a police case. Husband thinks I am crying wolf trying to seek his attention. Why are things falling apart like this.[/QUOTE]

    For a minute you forgot your kid and you try to strangle... what you think will happen to your kid ??????????????? please dont take any harsh decisions... if not your husband of yours, your kid needs you the most......
     
  8. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    If it helps you any bit, I recently got separated from my husband and now going through a divorce. I have a 2.5 yr old kid, and although my parents are supportive of my decision, it is my life and I am ultimately responsible for myself and my kid. However, parents support is the biggest emotional help you can ever get to help you heal.

    A lot of good advice has been given my other IL's please look into it and think over it. Whatever happens please remember - if you are no more, there is a good chance your parents don't care about the kid anymore, the husband never cared...what happens to the kid then? It is time to learn to be selfish, know that you deserve better and also learn to 'LIVE' for someone else at the same time, i.e for your kid. Only time will heal you and will make you a bigger and a matured person. It is a tough time you are going through, but it shall pass soon too. Just sit quiet one day, think about all you have gone through and see if it was all even worth it. If you think you have the answer, just take each day as it comes...dont even plan for the future...just take time to cry, and then dont talk about it. to anyone. just go with the flow and take each day.

    And again, if it helps, everyone has a weak moment or two (i received a legal notice from my husband and after reading that i thought i cannot take it anymore and sincerely wished death..but now i know better). Please get up, hug your kid and think him/her as your goal to LIVE.
     
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