How to avoid an argument that is very likely to occur?

Your willingness to compromise on a 'house' to keep the 'home' intact is commendable.

However, my 2 cents, this all-or-nothing-approach (you keep quiet in this project and she keeps quiet in the next) is not the ideal way to go. Two heads are definitely better than one, specially when it comes to a long term major decision.

Your wife needs to be a little more pragmatic. Differences are good, but finding common ground is important. Both of you need to sit together and discuss rationally, trying to see each other's view and then coming to a conclusion.

Have a nice chat with your wife as to the framework within which you guys will agree/disagree/agree-to-disagree as to how you want the house to be constructed.

For example: No crying will be her promise to you. If she eventually does cry, you both will take a breather from discussion and resume when she is calmer, but crying cannot derail a rational approach to house-building or anything else.

As for conveying this to your wife, wait for some more answers and show her this thread itself! ;-)

Good Luck

 

I appreciate the extreme lengths are prepared to go to to avoid arguing. But really, is it feasible or fair for anyone, including your wife, to accept or expect that you will not contribute any opinion or thought to the construction of a house you will have to live in, too?

Someone leading a project is all well and good, but the other team members have to have some input, too, as well as a method to solve the problem if there is disagreement or an impasse.

Since this will not be your first or last major collaboration as a married couple, perhaps it would be wise, and sensible (and set a good example for your children) to get some marital counseling. You two wouldn't be the first couple that tended to argue a lot. Sadly, it is a fairly common phenomenon because a lot of us had/have parents who didn't model healthy relationship dynamics/conflict resolution skills.

I think your wife is wrong to cry as a means of manipulating the situation. I think you are wrong to want to step out of the decision-making process completely to avoid arguing. Despite what many of us are taught as children, disagreement does not necessarily have to be messy, emotional, stressful, or vindictive.

The best leaders and most effective humans beings (personally and professionally) know how to put their points across, work through disagreements, and arrive at solutions that don't necessarily ruin the relationship (not just married couples).

So, if you do not have any kind of personal aversion to the idea of therapy, I think it would be a great idea to get some. Consider it learning a skill together, like you might take a dance class. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you if you go to a therapist. It just means you are both fully committed to each other, and the idea of working together, as opposed to taking turns to completely surrender all veto power/right to input every time you have a major project.

That just sounds sad and lonely, and marriage is supposed to deliver us from that state, not take us there.

P.S. My husband and I survived the building of our house. I wanted blue siding, he didn't. Every day now, I look at the siding and wish I had had my way. But my marriage, and letting him have what he wants, too, is really more important to me than siding. We survive because he extends the same courtesy to me, and we don't keep score.

P.P.S. I also don't like the car he chose to buy for himself. But it's his car.

 

Talk one after the another...and LISTEN ,I repeat LISTEN what other person have to say with a respect for that idea.

Start your argument with " This is not final...but this is my idea" so that your wife dosnt think its all final and you are rubbing it on her...if she still crying for everything say " If you don't talk and keep crying then I will go with my ideas"

 

Can you both agree to meet each other half-way ? IMO, a discussion between two mature, responsible adults is preferable to email communication. Treat it like a business meeting. You both can list out (on paper) the things you would like in your new house, according to cost, utility, aesthetics, desires, etc, and then decide what to implement. Since you anticipate tears during the course of the discussion, if there is a disagreement, you both can stop at that point and resume after thinking things over. But you must not let the situation escalate or be manipulated by tears.

 

Since you also plan to live in that house, it is better for you to like that house as well.
Wife cries if house construction does not go the way she wants it to? Very strange. Can you give examples of arguments that ended up with her tears? It may be possible to find patterns and identify reasons for her tears. House construction may not be one of them.

 

If nothing works.... divide up the house. Let her decide kitchen and living room, you take over bedrooms and bathrooms...... or something like that. Or outsource the whole thing to professional architect and interior decorator. If spending more money can guarantee peace, why not?

 

went thru your threads. You got a lot of patience!

 

Where are you construcing the house, abroad or native place ?