Was I wrong?

victory1 · Oct 25, 2013

Yesterday my wife and I were discussing some property related matters. I have asked my father to look at some properties and have sent the same information to my FIL too. My father is busy off late. I told her things don’t happen as and when we expect. She said we have to work on it otherwise nothing progresses. I agree but as I said we are in a different country and I can’t do much from here. Hence I asked my father and FIL to look into it. I can’t really push them if they are busy and as I said I forgot to follow up.( reason why I forgot is we are planning on constructing a house too and I got drawn more towards it). I admitted this later after the discussion had heated up. I said ”Don’t you recognize that I am building a house?” To this my wife said what kind of recognition should be given for constructing a house? I said I did not mean any awards for constructing a house but to me that is something significant accomplishment and that I am doing it for her and our daughter. Previously too I had said I am doing so and so for her and our daughter. My choice of words may give a different meaning but I will try to convey what I want to say – whatever I am doing is for both of them and their future – this is what I meant. My wife felt that I am considering her as a greedy person and never satisfied with what I do. I later clarified my stand but she still seems to be not convinced.

As a husband and a father I consider it is my duty to provide for them ( I also want to do that for them ). What is so wrong in me saying that?

Swasha · Oct 25, 2013

Dear OP,

Instead of saying that you are doing for your wife and daughter, you should have said "I am doing it for all of us". In your sentences you are excluding yourself which sends wrong meaning to your wife.

Ansuya · Oct 25, 2013

Pardon my bluntness, please. But following on from your other thread, if this is the kind of issue that gets you and your wife into heated arguments, then counseling is an even better idea than I had previously thought, as I suggested in your other thread. It seems to me like there is a lot of simmering resentment, history adding fuel to the fire, and communication problems here. Building a house is very stressful, even for couples who are have very healthy relationship dynamics.

simpleMom · Oct 25, 2013

She is unhappy with you for some other reasons.

Does she stay home? Does she go to work? Does she feel appreciated enough? Did you compare her with anyone else? Do you have a hobby woman partner with whom you share all your lighter and good moments but feel frustrated to be good to your wife? Does she feel neglected? Do you handle finances well? Does the place you live has enough social life for her? Does she have lot of friends to meet and talk to there? Does she feel good to be your wife? Does she have issues with her in-laws so much that she is scared of investments in India?

These are all good questions to have answers for. She is not fighting with you for the reasons you mentioned above. There are hidden reasons.

heron · Oct 25, 2013

This is too small to make a fuss about or you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg..why would anyone get pissed when you are building a house?

sweetypi · Oct 25, 2013

I think you both need to work on communication skills. Maybe even counselling. Is it possible for you both to maintain an objective approach in issues such as this and avoid flare-ups ? Do you both have very short fuses or deep-seated complaints about each other ?

sweetshreya · Oct 25, 2013

A lot gets changed in tone and translation.

Ex. if you were speaking in hindi, there is a hell lot of difference between "tumhare liye kar raha hu", "tumhare liye hi kar raha hu" or "tumhare liye itna kar raha hu", etc.

So everything depends on what exactly what you said, how you said, what was said immediately before that sentence, what was said immediately after that sentence, your tone, you expression, your volume. And most importantly, her state of mind.

Like Swasha said, better start using the beautiful word 'us/we/both of us/all of us' instead of you or me.

Swasha · Oct 25, 2013

Dear Sweetshreya,

You have written, what exactly was there in my mind with beautiful example.

flowerlady · Oct 25, 2013

Better invest in an apartment and be done with it, there are plenty of options in all cities.
House construction is a big headache ,arranging material, labour ,supervision unless there are people ready to help you. It is tough to do it by remote control.
This could be a reason why your DW got irritated or she wants to settle abroad??

victory1 · Oct 25, 2013

Thanks for the replies. She is a housewife. To give a background of our nature I am kind of quiet type. She is not much of a talker either but better than me. I just convey whatever needs to be said in a concise manner. I guess she expects more of a talking and honestly I have tried but it is so difficult to stetch a topic for me.During our argument she told me I was lying and I really could not understand that. She then said I failed to admit that I forgot to follow up with my dad in the first place. I agree there is a big difference in the wavelength at which we communicate. Initially I used to blow up pretty soon and over the years I have mellowed down but what really bugs is the crying part. She recently had an argument with her mother and started crying. It is so tough to put your point across when the other person is crying. I have told her to atleast work on this as it would help us to atleast talk but no progress. This tests my patience level .

There were in-laws(both sides) issues during the intial days of our marriage but now everybody is within their limits. That is not a reason for this present situation. Though my wife denies I feel she is kind of concerned that her relatives who got married at the same time as us have made some property and we are yet to do so. I agree with her that as years pass by our expenses increase but we just can't compare woth others. She says she is not comparing but I have felt that strongly during the discussions. May be she is prodding me by giving examples, I don't know. At the end it is kind of frustrating to both of us as we fail to agree without blowing off our steam. We can't continue like this with the kid growing up and I am very concerned about it.