How do you deal with such a person

Paying for the Maid? In US? Looks like OP is not even ready to pay the high electricity bill that comes with running dishwasher. You see he will rather see his mom 'cleaning the plates', rather spoil the peace of house by taking it on his wife, spoil her health by demanding her to do it, than use the dishwasher.

 

What's wrong with cleaning her dish? I asked this because this seems to bother you the most. Now to your question, may be she is not a good cook or simply just doesn't enjoy cooking. May be you can teach her how to cook and make it a fun time for both of you.Is it possible that she is new here and doesn't have friends to talk to and feeling lonely. Lonliness can eat up a person. Pardon me but you sound like a typical chauvinistic male who blames wife's family for everything that is not according to his liking.

 

There are many things SOME men do not understand:
- They do not see the big deal about their parents visiting when the DIL is pregnant or has just delivered
- They are not prepared for the issues that may arise when their parents visit them and their wife for the first time/long period
- They do not see why PILs and parents cannot visit at the same time.
- They are not very understanding of their wife and her possible issues/constraints imemdiately before and after the delivery
- Just like it is understood and accepted in our society that the son and DIL are expected to take care of the son's parents, it has to be understood that women are closer and more attached to their parents, even after marriage. I am not talking about ALL here, but this is not uncommon.
- They see their mom helping the wife and think everything is okay; they just might fail to listen to those quiet taunts, comments about DIL.

My H in the beginning kind of dismissed my MIL issues as he had seen stuff like that a 100 times in soaps etc. Though he is a very supportive and caring person, it took him some time to accept that there were indeed MIL-DIL issues in his own family, between his mother and wife. Now he is more tactful and diplomatic; thinks from this angle as well before doing something involving his parents and I-which is a big relief.

I would like to ask you the following questions
- Would you or your wife complain if your MIL washed your used plate everyday?
- Would you complain if your wife went an extra mile to take care of your parents in her post-delivery state?
- Would you complain if your MIL did all the chores while your wife relaxed completely? If so, please do not complain when it is your mom who is doing this, unless your mom feels forced to do it.
If your mom feels forced to do it, it is between you and your mom and you should never have invited her in the first place,during this point in time. You ought to settle this without involving your wife.

I am not disputing the fact that you do have problems and yes, you have the right to be upset. However, most of the issues seem to arise from your perception on "how things ought to be"-for example, it looks like you are not able to digest the fact that your mom does the chores while your wife relaxes.
1. She is tired after the delivery and with all the nursing/childcare
2. Did you wife insist that your mom come or did you check with her as to whether she is okay with your parents visiting when she was pregnant/has just delivered?

Mom-MIL issues apart, like a PP said, please reevaluate your relationship with your wife. Do you both love each other as a couple? Mom and MIL are not going to stay with you forever. If your wife wants to work, try and see if she can get a job so that she will also be engaged and your tension will probably come down.

GL.

 

i cant imagine how a new mother can be lazy. since now ur mil and parents are not around, she will have handful to do. dont worry, do ur part to help her, but make sure u are not doing everything for her and she is continuing being lazy.
both have to share the task. sit and talk with her.

 

Ragha,

I can completely understand your frustration about your lazy wife. I know a married lady in my close circle who does no household work, no job, no hobbies etc. Spending time over phone calls to India and then watching tv and shouting on husband, children and everyone. I made a visit to their house and could see what was happening in that house.

You are her husband and your the only one who can mend her lazy behavior. Not cleaning her plate is the worst thing she is doing. Disgusting, I should say. Don't offer her or her mother any help. Let them cook, clean and take care of the baby. There are many women, who cook, work in office and help children with their homework. You did a mistake by tolerating such kind of lazy behavior. Every one in the family have to be responsible.

 

Hi Ragha,

Take it easy. Its because she is grown up so. She will change in due course. I say this out of my own experience.

My DH never helps me in any household chores,when we were newly married, though i work. But then things started changing when i became pregnant. And now with my 9 months old, he helps me a lot.

Your wife will change, but as of now, its little difficult. As everybody says for a new mom, it will be difficult to manage things . Send your parents and her parents to India immediately. Having no other way she will start doing things by her own. So don't worry much.

 

not sure about intensity of your problem.But since you have child now its not easy to divorce.Please try to work out the problem.Is there any one around who can train her to do things in house.May be she is not trained to do house hold chores by her mother unlike other indian ladies.

 

Since you don't have a maid and you say your lazy wife doesn't do anything.....who has been cleaning your house,doing laundry, dusting, chopping ironing clothes cleaning bathrooms?Who takes care of the baby?Who feeds,bathes,and puts the baby to sleep? It looks like you are more troubled by seeing her talking to her parents and friends instead of doing the housework in front of you.

I can't believe you threatened to divorce a woman who has just given birth to your baby.Do you even have any idea what goes into making that baby...how it effects a woman's body. For guys making a baby involves a little bang bang but a woman makes a baby from her blood and bones. You may not realize it ...but you couldn't have been more insensitive if you tried .

 

It is not easy to putup with lazy and irresponsible spouse. Since u have child ,its not easy to divorce.Once both sets of parents leave, she will have handful work .U can help her to come out of that lazyness

 

Its not matter of appointing maid or dishwasher. Point is

She is not helping and taking responsibility in any matter. Do she can accept if u been lazy. I too have seen this kind of character in my life.

She not even cooked a day or served food to her husband. Finger bowl only not came into the seen, rest everything done.

Fire only can melt the iron, water can't