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Life of mine-is money that important??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by babyhopes, May 7, 2013.

  1. hermoine

    hermoine Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry if i am being naive, how about transferring the property to your kid's name, if its legally possible...also as ss and gh mentioned, you can become the bad guy and ask your rights to your IL's.
     
  2. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Babyhopes:
    Money is an instrument. To have a mature relationship with it, it needs to be seen as such. It cannot be an end in itself. It is important only to the extent that it helps you to do the things that are important to you. To achieve this in turn, you need to organize a balance between income, assets, liquidity, targeted savings and emergency funds. It appears to me that what is lacking in your life is this balance.

    You and your husband have a reliable income and solid "assets" (depending on the equity you have in your real estate). However, you have relatively poor savings and almost no liquidity to manage a level of comfort that is desirable to you. You need to educate your husband about sound financial priorities for the short (quotidian comfort), medium (kids education for e.g. - both kids will go to college at the same time!) and long term (retirement etc.).

    Here are some thoughts:

    (1) This business of adding your name to the deed for the house will probably provide some peace of mind for you, but I am not sure it will achieve much more than that. Perhaps it will stop any kind of shady transfer of the property without your knowledge, perhaps the appreciating value will provide some return for your retirement. In any case it is a long term proposition.

    (2) If you manage to sell it, will your ILs come live with you? Are you prepared for this? Or will your BsIL request a contribution from you for their care? Do you have enough equity to justify the sale?

    (3) Do your BsIL see the arrangement as: 'we take care of the parents, you are paying the EMI, it's your house after all, so it works out' ? Do you have a way to factor the cost-benefit ratio of this?

    (4) Since you now have young twins, this is a good time to raise the question of financial planning for them. This provides an entree into a discussion about selling the house, or your BsIL paying rent. The focus of the conversation does not need to be about their paying - it has to be about your not being able to manage two EMIs, the reduced liquidity, having to save for the twins and so on. Your husband has to be able say something along the lines of .."now that we have twins, I need to plan carefully .... etc."

    (5) You need to clarify the time frame re: your house that your PsIL and BsIL live in. Will the BsIL live there as long as the parents are around? Is there any chance at all that you can get them out even after that?! Is it conceivable to change the status quo so late, so many years into the future? Get your thoughts clear on this! This is an admittedly difficult conversation that needs to be had - the tendency is usually to say "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it". But the question that begs to be asked is: Is this house an investment at all? Is there an ROI conceivable?

    (6) If the two of you (or your husband) are still living abroad, then consult a financial planner for a detailed plan of action. The advantage of this is that, if your ILs offer pointless 'advice' or raise self-serving objections, you can honestly say that you got expert input on what you need to meet your goals, you have a plan and you are going to follow through on it.

    (7) No matter what, your husband simply has to stop lending money whenever someone asks. What happened in the past is the past. From now on, the refrain has to be that 'I need to be a responsible Dad, twins are no joke. I can no longer afford loans - oh by the way I never got that money back!" People will take advantage of you so long as you let them.

    (8) I would consider it perfectly fair for your BsIL to pay 66% (between the two of them) of the EMI as rent - i.e. you pay "for" your parents-in-law. They pull their own weight. Maybe even 60 - 40 is OK, if you want to add a share of the 'care'. The current arrangement cannot be justified.

    Again, try and help your husband visualize money as an 'instrument'. Some degree of deferred gratification is worthwhile, but the sort of extreme pseudo-thriftiness you describe, only to make life easier for freeloaders is certainly not fair to you or the kids.
     
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  3. ilovesai

    ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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    Feel very sad for you.. Such men never change and their parents and siblings too.. They will continue to get money behind your back as they had been that way even before he married you.. I am sure your inlaws,siblings and your husband is not going to sell it at any cost.. Fighting over a lost property is only going to affect your mental peace..

    Do a course/IT course and get a job. You can't be waiting for 12 years to finish your loans and enjoy life. I am sure they will create another debt /loan for your DH after 12 th year. The only way to enjoy your life is to find financial independence. Start earning, don't give a penny to your husband from your earnings.. Buy dresses for your kids, invest, invest, invest all your money in your name and kids's name and have some money left over for taking your kids out/entertainment.. This way you don't have to worry/crib about the stolen/lost property.

    Never tell your inlaws about your earnings even after you start working, and always maintain a poor profile saying you go to work just to gain experience and you are paid very less.. Because, if they come to know that you are earning well, they will create more debts/loans for your husband and your husband will also have the urge to provide them more. Once you start earning, you can show the door to your husband, if he keeps lending loans/investing for his parents without bearing/contributing for you and your kids.. You cannot suffer through your life like this.. Come out of it..
     
  4. babyhopes

    babyhopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you green and shreya.Yes I should turn into a bad guy.I am not much bothered about getting bad name from them.As if I have good name amid them.mmm
     
  5. babyhopes

    babyhopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Hermoine,
    Yes thats also a good idea transferring to kids name.Am grearing up to be a bad guy though.Thank you.
     
  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    op, ppriya 2010 has some good suggestions. After reading the above posts which mention homes being transferred to siblings, I think selling the place to a third party is the best option. you will gte market value and all the money back plus profit.

    or if there is drama, then the second option is like ppriya said - transfer the house and the loan to BILs and get back the money. here too, do not say, you will let the interest on the loan go, keep that for the last stage of bargaining - IF it reaches that level.

    Now, what I am worried is that - even after your sell, what is the guarantee you will be able to keep the money? given your Inlaws background, since thye know you have got a huge lumpsum fro the sale.. will they not sprout more unlces and aunts whose loans have to be repaid and who will be the obvious cash-cow in such a case? your DH!

    put all that money in FD or something very solid, which cannot be taken out anytime, or I am sure you will lose that too..

    Do only what is reasonable, for the rest - use the traditional Oh I hav a daughter whom we have to get married off, a son whose education needs to be taken care of etc etc..
     
  7. babyhopes

    babyhopes Bronze IL'ite

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    sokanasanah,

    Yes you are right we have to plan and we are planning to our extent and so we were able to manage kids necessities somehow.We always use that "saving" part to pay the remaining debts.
    We sort out a plan with native home emi and without the native home emi.It makes a huge difference,atleast we can save something if we are not paying over there.

    What am trying to convey is those sacrifice and too many adjustments which we are undergoing for the sake of in-laws and bils..Like if I choose red,he gives me blue.Even my DH sacrifising his needs alot,
    what for?
    I fear he is going to become a miser someday(almost he is).

    They never know the pain of paying emi,never know the pain and expense to run a nuclear family.
    Also they need their son(for money) and not his wife or his kids.
    I consider my dh has done more than their need,being a regional manager in a private sector why dont his elder bro get some asset of his own in the native and live happily with pils!?

    I am scared to death and asked my dh whether he has plans to give that home to bils sometime.
    He said a big no.

    1.Adding my name-they may not consider it.As I heard few news like people who lived in a house for years and years can won that home,like that

    2.My inlaws can come here for vacation but cannot stay with us,because fils brothers and mil relatives are living in native.
    Already we are paying for in-laws medical expense.Any huge amount bill will come to us.So bils need not to worry much.

    3.Actally there is no taking care of parent business over there.Both are highly active and enjoy visiting relatives place.
    Bils take care of all the bills(like telephone,electricity,water,gas) fil take care of groceries.He is doing some real estate business along with his brother.

    4.Yes cost of raising twin is very high,that too couldnt imagine the amount required to get admission in schools.
    We never ever want rent from them,just get a home of their own and let them take thinks on their back.Not my dh alone.

    5.No idea.If BILs has bought a house or having plans to buy a house,we can imagine they will move out some day.
    But so far they havnt quoted anything.One my co-sis1 told us we are loooking for apartment some ~3 years back.

    6.We are back in India.

    7.Yes he has stopped lending to my knowledge.But my fil is a great person,he do dramas and talk emotionally to get money.
    My mil is good to some extent when it comes to money matter.My fil asks for money without my mil knowledge.Mil never allow my dh to lend money to fil considerin that he is helpin his brothers(as am complaiining abt my bils here.)I let her know once and no much changes in fil.

    8.Bils are very greedy and cunning.I have few incidents where bil acted very cheap just for the matter of ~200 rs.

    Thanks again for your suggestions.
     
  8. babyhopes

    babyhopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes am planning to do some course and restart my career.Thanks ilovesai
     
  9. babyhopes

    babyhopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Firstly my dh needs to accept to sell it,but he also wanted to sell that perhaps he stuck somewhere,may be blood.

    After selling we are planning to invest in some city where we can rent it and fd too.investment without profit is not at all an investment..(me and my!!)

    I couldnt even imagine how life will be if we continue to pay all the emi for the next 10~12 years:(
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Babyhopes...try to convince your husband to sell and have a compromise with him.....use a part of the money to buy a small house for ILs but buy it on husband and your name. Repay the loan or invest the rest of the money in your future.BILs should find a place for themselves on their own.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2013

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