1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

in a daze... discussed divorce with husband (long)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rkk1, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. whatisaguytodo

    whatisaguytodo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    286
    Likes Received:
    303
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    Does it really sound condescending? I apologize, I was just trying to make the statement more dramatic. There was an article I posted somewhere here about a woman who stayed with her bf because she thought she could change him and he ended up blinding her. It's like people keeping tigers as pets and then when it hurts someone are shocked.

    You're 31. It's not that big a deal. Concentrate on graduating medical school first and then look for a nice guy. If you gravitate to Indian guys, why not find a Indian guy who was born in the US. You'd have more in common that way.

    I get that. I know a guy like that. The only difference is that I met him when we were both 16 and it took close to a decade before a few of us converted him to our way of thinking.
     
    5 people like this.
  2. rkk1

    rkk1 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    276
    Likes Received:
    478
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Female
    I'll probably do exactly as what you have written above. I know I need to give primary importance to finishing school right now. My parents say the same thing.

    As far as the Indian-American guy... I'll certainly look. For whatever reason, I have always taken a liking to those who immigrated from India. Maybe I'm charmed by the Indian accent... who knows. Hopefully I'll find myself a handsome loving guy from Bombay who is intelligent, worldy and who has that charm.

    I know first I have to detach from my husband and go through the process of divorce, but it's hard. I still have a soft spot for him. He's still my baby... even though I'm exhausted of him being so manipulative with me. He has been my only lover, and my closest friend for a long time... so it's not easy moving on. But doesn't seem like there's much hope at this point. I'm still in a bit of shock and denial, waiting for that miracle to save our marriage, but I don't see that coming.
     
  3. whatisaguytodo

    whatisaguytodo Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    286
    Likes Received:
    303
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    You could always try relationship counseling as a last resort if you really want to try and salvage it. I'd do that before you bring him over here and have to support him. Not sure it would be practical though. If he get's here you'd have to support him for a few years even after getting a divorce if you've signed the I-864.
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I personally think that if you are a woman of indian origin but with a very open and broad minded attitude do not marry a man born and brought up in India. Even the ones brought up in big cities will usually have the same thoughts on marriage---his parents are supreme, his family should be pampered , you should forget your family etc etc etc. It is tough for us, women brought up in India to reconcile with this kind of mentality let alone girls growing up in the west.

    My husband told me yesterday that in an ideal world I should not have had to face problems with my Inlaws but looking at things the way they are 10% of my probs would have been sorted out if my parents had spent a little more on our wedding!!! He did not mean to hurt but was just stating a fact. I have been married for seven yrs and have a boy. Most indian families are like that. So if you feel things are not OK just split. Don't regret your choices later in life.
     
    6 people like this.
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,474
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,
    1 You and DH have stayed together only for a few weeks,he is still in India and you are in US .
    2 You are brought up in US and the guy is from India, two different worlds. He is not going to cook anything for you on a regular basis to be sure.
    3 You seem to have latched on the koochie-koo talks that go on during courtship and are holding him responsible.
    4 The two of you married for the wrong reasons, you for his desi accent(?) and he for US citizenship.
    Seems to be an arranged marriage where the girl goes to India for groom hunting under parental pressure to marry a desi boy.You have fulfilled your parent's dreams and now you are finding it difficult to sustain.
    5 The guy has not even stepped on your home turf and you are already squabbling over his parent's visit and getting counselling.
    6 The entire case seems absurd,trivial and immature, better divorce and find someone from your own social circle who will cook rajma and saag for you.
    7 What promises did you make to him?
    Sorry to be rude.
    Move on.
     
    12 people like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Friends are friends, you never know what goes on in their marriages. Even the most cosmopolitan of couples can have issues that will surprise their friends. The most open-minded guy will get a little traditional and possessive with his wife and vice-versa.

    About your first post, and couple of posts after that:

    1. Any promises made by husband and wife are subject to change with changing circumstances.

    2. If he promised to make rajma and other good stuff for you, let that be a promise until time comes to actually do it. Reminding him about it in the meanwhile or bringing it up in unrelated arguments will not serve any purpose. Reminding will make him resentful. Married life is full of such promises... some are kept, some broken. If the rajma promise is broken, you simply fix that problem -take out, hire a cook or eat khitchri.

    3. Don't mention divorce just to show you are 'serious'. If you mention it, you should have a very specific list of why you are considering it, what it will take for you to not divorce, and once you've said it, you should be prepared to follow up. Or it will be like calling wolf.

    4. You keep mentioning that you are 'American' and so the three weeks maximum stay of guests. That would apply if the guests are coming from the other coast or Canada. Your in-laws are not guests, and they are coming from much further away, tickets cost a lot, insurance costs, gifts are bought in India and here... the whole circus for 3 weeks only? Be realistic. You could control the frequency but keeping duration to anything less than 3 months is tough.

    5. You have lived only 2 weeks with your husband together, and are fighting over his parents stay when they come here? Married life is not like a program schedule where you agree ahead what will happen at what time and it does happen at that time! Instead of arguing about how long they'll stay and making him agree to it, keep it a little flexible. The actual duration of stay will get decided when booking tickets. OK, he wants them to stay longer than you want them to. He is not going to listen to reason... seedhi ungli se ghee not coming out, use tedi ungli (use a curved finger to get ghee if straight finger not working):
    There are many ways in which their stay can be restricted to the duration you want - like, you plan an India trip for all right after their U.S. stay, you go out of town after a certain number of weeks of their U.S. stay, you have your parents also over after a certain number of weeks of in-laws' U.S. stay...

    6. You have to decide whether you want to have equality in reality only or also in your discussions. Many Indian wives master the art of getting what they want without explicitly making husband agree to it. Like, if you want his parents to stay a certain amount of time only, make that happen without needing him to notarize an agreement about the same. If you want that your parents should also be able to move in with you guys in very-old-age, wait for that need to arise and calmly go about having them move in with minimal discussion with husband, instead of spending your 30's arguing over his parents vs ur parents.
    Another method is to avoid discussion completely. Present what you want as a given, and just when it needs to happen. Women have this desire to get husband's full approval of an action way in advance.... sometimes, it is better to go ahead with action with partial or even no approval from husband.

    7. Why are your parents, your aunt/uncle and his parents so much a part of your and your husband's lives and arguments? Unless physical or emotional/verbal abuse is involved, matters should stay between husband and wife, esp. when you've hardly had a chance to live together and bond. Sorry to say this, but, at 31, running to parents with regular marital troubles is very un-American.

    Good Luck. Stay calm, give each other some time.
     
    19 people like this.
  7. Topaz

    Topaz Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    242
    Likes Received:
    125
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Maybe you won't like what I am about to say, but I think you need to grow up!

    A marriage, be it any race, IT means you have to compromise, sometimes a bit more on certain issues or issues you may not want compromise at all!

    What is all this cooking nonsense? Making saag or kitchree....??????? Are you kidding me, both are in a marriage and each has to appreciate what the other makes for lunch/dinner EQUALLY and SHARE household duties as even as possible!

    I have held Down a job, taken care of two kids and run my household with little help from my hubby....his work is very demanding so is mine, but over time I have realized that may be I'm better at multitasking. He may not be as effective in doing extra household chores, but he tries to help and I appreciate that about him.

    My hubby does not put me or my efforts on a pedestal and I don't expect that either, but there are small things he does and says mean a whole lot more to me.

    As to the PIL, trust me they don't stay long.....and even if they do so what? When we were young our parents were with us, taking care of us and doing so much more. I'm sure my mom would have loved to go to the movies or a spa or whatever.....but instead she sacrificed her time to knit a nice sweater or cook a special dish, or sat up all night during our exams or when we were unwell! I'm sure it was an inconvenience to the but they did it and we can go the extra bit without complaining and making such unreasonable demands.

    Please realize a marriage is a two way street and both partners have to make it work. Try to be reasonable, it is mentioned somewhere that you are going to med school, trust me during your residency you will be so happy to have PILs around taking care of house/kids when you are almost never home.

    The Indian men you are attracted to, come with egos the size of Alaska....so I'm not sure you want to date any Of "those" kind again. Try a man to look for a man that is willing to meet your demands.....chance are you will be single forever or divorced many more times.

    Sorry if what I've said offends you or it seems I'm being harsh, but since you decided to put your problems online, then you have to be willing to hear everyone's point of view and bite the bullet.
     
    4 people like this.
  8. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,343
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear rkk,
    I have to say, you are horribly and dangerously ill informed. People living in big cities are no different when it comes to 'primitive' Indian values and dowry demands are far greater in big cities. So, in case, you are seriously thinking of getting married to a 'Bombay guy' because you think, he will be totally westernized in his thoughts, please don't make this mistake.

    If you want this marriage to survive, I would advice, don't be too rigid about 3 weeks limit for ILs visit. You can tell your husband that you are uncomfortable and apprehensive about it. Give it a try. In any case, you are already married to him and if it doesn't work out, then you can divorce him as planned.

    And if that happens, I would strongly suggest, please don't be too desperate about getting married again and especially not to an Indian guy from India, big city or small.
     
    5 people like this.
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,938
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    rkk1,

    your post came as a big surprise to me! I recall reading many posts from you regarding your marriage and how well it was working out. Sorry to hear that you have been having troubles.

    rkk1, I would simply say one thing. Going forward, you have to decide which culture you identify with, what you are, and stick with it. Below I quote what you said in bold. Your main objection to his parents coming over seems to be that you are an American. Correct me if I am wrong.
    You cannot say oh I am an American when you choose and then say oh I am an Indian when it comes to some other things. An American would never go for an arranged marriage in the way you married your spouse. Yet you did that. Not trying to hurt you but simply point out the fallacy here. America and India have very very different cultures. The expectations and obligations that go with being an American are very different than the expectations that go with being an Indian. It is unfair of you to flip around when you feel like.

    I do get the feeling there are other basic incompatibility issues between you and him which you managed to ignore previously and which you are unable to ignore any longer. That this has finally dawned on you. That this argument is merely a symptom. I also get the feeling your parents have realized this a long time ago and so they are no longer pushing you to compromise with him.

    Everyone has the right to feel comfortable in their life. One is comfortable only when one is able to build (or expect to build ) a life conforming to their expectations, hopes and desires. Culture, and Cultural conditioning plays a big role in our anticipation of comfort. He has his expectations and obligations based on the culture and environment he grew up in. You have yours. They just happen to be very dissimilar. I dont think there is any wrong or right here.
     
    10 people like this.
  10. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,879
    Likes Received:
    2,712
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    hi op!
    I have read and replied to some of your previous posts also and i feel even after all these months the issues you had in ur marriage are very much the same . The main thing is the difference of culture , your husband is a typical indian guy and you are being a typical US born and raised girl.
    you met your dh through a martimonial webiste and married on the basis of interaction you had. mostly things before and after marriage are very different. he is also younger to you and if i remember is M.com and doing law ??
    last time you had discussed how would you people manage when he comes to usa as he will need to study and up grade his skills, so already if you see you had so many issues in the marriage.
    to be honest and blunt, the only reason i think he married you is to come to usa and become a american citizen. not only from ur this post but your previous posts also have shown these traits in ur dh that he is manipulative and did all sweet talks just to marry u.
    And why are so much worried about age , you are only 31! you are going to be a doctor ! concentrate on your career.

    I can give you one suggestion, why not call your dh to usa on tourist visa , before you apply for his sponsership .
    he can live with you and then may be you can decide what to do. since last time you guys stayed together it was in india and on holidays , its like a big party where you just think about cooking good food and going out and enjoying. when he comes to usa and you are busy , he will see and get idea how life is here and you can also get some idea how supportive he can be.
    other than that i feel , if you stick in this marriage you have to compromise a lot!
    all the best girl!
     
    6 people like this.

Share This Page