Wierd Problem- Please Help ASAP

aditi78 · Nov 5, 2012

I am married for almost a decade now. It was a love marriage that was arranged.
My family: Loving & supportive parents and elder brother.
His family: Loving but confused parents who don't socialize much (love to avoid people and situations) and married younger sister (who is very insecure in life.)

When we married H had a so-so job in India, then we went abroad for his higher studies for a couple of years (expenses entirely funded by my parents), he couldn't get a job there so we returned. He couldn't get a job here as well and finally for the last couple of years my family is supporting us. They have taken him as an employee and are supporting us financially. The remuneration he receives is much much more than his contribution.

We delayed having a child because of our financial situation but after 7-8 years of marraige we had a cute little girl. I used to face societal pressures as well as family pressures and was warned by someone that we may remain childless forever if we delay more (because of my biological clock).

His family pretends not to know our situation. Their family is not the type that will sit and talk. Family members spend days without talking to each other. My family is completely worried about our future but they pretend as if everything is fine.

I feel ashamed of depending on my family like this and wish to work. My interest lies in the IT industry so I would be getting myself retrained as soon as daughter starts school.

My question is about my husband. He is a very nice guy otherwise- nature/ character wise. The only problem is his career. He has been jobless for so long. I feel frustrated. I don't understand what to do. Whenever I try to talk to him, he listens as if he agrees completely but next day it's back to square one.

His family expects us to spend on them... I keep spending from what I receive from my parents all the time. Even then I have to listen to all the taunts, comments, etc and that makes my life all the more miserable.

What do I do? Please guide me.

P.S. Please don't ask me to separate from H as that just isn't an option I can consider now.

rkk1 · Nov 5, 2012

aditi78 said: ↑

My question is about my husband. He is a very nice guy otherwise- nature/ character wise. The only problem is his career. He has been jobless for so long. I feel frustrated. I don't understand what to do. Whenever I try to talk to him, he listens as if he agrees completely but next day it's back to square one.

His family expects us to spend on them... I keep spending from what I receive from my parents all the time. Even then I have to listen to all the taunts, comments, etc and that makes my life all the more miserable.
Click to expand...

No way. If your husband isn't working (besides the bit of help he gives to your parents), then there should be absolutely no money going to his family. If he wants to help them, he can only give them a share of his income if he is working (with the majority of his income going towards your household expenses). It would be completely unacceptable for him to send any of your money... unless there is some family emergency, which could require you to send some of your income, but only on a temporary basis.

The only non-emergency situation where I would find it acceptable for a woman to send her income to her spouses's parents on a more regular basis would be if the parents are needing the money for their survival AND the husband is a stay-at-home spouse/father where he manages the home and children while the wife works. This would be comparable to the duties of a stay-at-home wife. But if he is staying at home without managing the home, not working, and expecting you to send your money to his parents.... that's just ridiculous.

As far as your parents giving him money undeservedly, that's nice of them... but they should not do that. He should go and learn to make his living. Otherwise you are right that indirectly it is just your family fueling money to him, of which it goes to take care of his parents. So indirectly your parents taking care of his parents. That is not okay for a married couple. He needs to mature and do the right thing. For the time being (until he gets a real job) any money that your parents have given to him undeservedly should stay between you and your husband (so that it can be later returned to your parents later if the need arises). But I don't think it's proper to use that money to be sent to his parents. Let him send them money from his own hard work, and not your parents.

Rihana · Nov 5, 2012

Be the change you want to see ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Stop using 'will get retrained when daughter starts school' as an excuse. Get out and get a job pronto. Any job. Tell parents you cannot accept their handouts/support any more. Ask them to do you guys the favor of no longer employing your husband.

Saisakthi · Nov 5, 2012

Dear Sister,

Welcome to IL family...

As you have titled it, , a person who has done his masters abroad not getting a job there or here sounds weird only.

I guess it is someother issues which doesnt fare him to be employed, why dont you try to figure that out and rectify it so that he could maintain his family himself.

Your parents should have drawn a line of support and given him hint there they cannot be supporting him till their lifetime that being a person of your choice and not an arranged marriage.

Kudos to your parents as it extremely kind of them to get you going this long, instead they could have made you financially independent to save your future.

Why dont you go for counselling sessions to really make out what is troubling him to be unemployed..

At least now when his family is complete with his daughter wont he feel that he has buy things for his daughter...

May Baba bless you and guide him through to understand about his family and give your strength to handle all the people around, Best wishes..

Endlesshope · Nov 5, 2012

It isn't a weird problem, sounds like a case of laziness, because things seem to be working out anyways. Sounds like your dh is used to all the free stuff, like an animal in the zoo versus the one in the wild. Stop with all the help from parents and please stand up for yourself.

Rise · Nov 5, 2012

hi...
it is very unfair to your parents tht you,kid and hus depend on them.Your husband is lazy . You start job hunt immediately.Take up ANY job. Atleast start up a home based busines...Donot wait for kid to goto school and then search for a job. it will be too late as expenses will keep on increasing.

If he is unable to find a job, start a business.. maybe a small scale one .
Remember Parents are getting older. this is the time for them to relax. You and Husband Please GROW UP .. take up your responsibilities.

aditi78 said: ↑

I am married for almost a decade now. It was a love marriage that was arranged.
My family: Loving & supportive parents and elder brother.
His family: Loving but confused parents who don't socialize much (love to avoid people and situations) and married younger sister (who is very insecure in life.)

When we married H had a so-so job in India, then we went abroad for his higher studies for a couple of years (expenses entirely funded by my parents), he couldn't get a job there so we returned. He couldn't get a job here as well and finally for the last couple of years my family is supporting us. They have taken him as an employee and are supporting us financially. The remuneration he receives is much much more than his contribution.

We delayed having a child because of our financial situation but after 7-8 years of marraige we had a cute little girl. I used to face societal pressures as well as family pressures and was warned by someone that we may remain childless forever if we delay more (because of my biological clock).

His family pretends not to know our situation. Their family is not the type that will sit and talk. Family members spend days without talking to each other. My family is completely worried about our future but they pretend as if everything is fine.

I feel ashamed of depending on my family like this and wish to work. My interest lies in the IT industry so I would be getting myself retrained as soon as daughter starts school.

My question is about my husband. He is a very nice guy otherwise- nature/ character wise. The only problem is his career. He has been jobless for so long. I feel frustrated. I don't understand what to do. Whenever I try to talk to him, he listens as if he agrees completely but next day it's back to square one.

His family expects us to spend on them... I keep spending from what I receive from my parents all the time. Even then I have to listen to all the taunts, comments, etc and that makes my life all the more miserable.

What do I do? Please guide me.

P.S. Please don't ask me to separate from H as that just isn't an option I can consider now.
Click to expand...

Tashsin · Nov 6, 2012

Feeling bd for you....only solution for this..stop taking any help from ur parents..to or later u can face so many problems..he is not working BCz ur parents are supporting to u guys...he don't want to work this is the reality so accept it...make plan to start some small business for DH or give him last option for work..for you and for DD...I feel he is like GHARJAMAI....don't feel bd but try to talk with him on all this...ask ur parents not to give u any single penny in worst...

divyapnair · Nov 6, 2012

Dear Aditi,
I would suggest you to hunt for a job now itself rather than waiting for your daughter to start school.If you are not taking up any job because of your kid, don't worry, your husband can look after her till he finds a proper job.
It will be very unfair for your parents to support your's and your in-law's family.

vaidehi71 · Nov 7, 2012

agree with rkk1.
i think even though ur parents are helping u should be the one who should tell them to stop giving even if it means that u are facing inconvenience for the time being. necessity is the mother of invention, which should make ur dh work atleast for the sake of his kid. i for one, would never like to get much from parents. even though i am not such a person that regularly gives money to them as well, i would surely not hesitate to help them if need arises. i also don't taunt with my problems either personally or financially. all married couples if they know the role they play in their family the balance would be alright. ur dh however nice he may be to u has not matured enough at all. how come he does not notice that he is spending ur parents money on his parents. he is just turning a blind eye to the whole incident. just take up a job and let ur dh be a SAHD. atleast there will be satisfaction, he will have to work at home which is definitely much harder than at office.