what is a family?

hmm..you are talking about feelings at inlaws house...

have you ever felt after meeting certain friends / neighbours that tehy are more like family??? basically its also about what you allow other people to do...agreed nasty inlaws problems are there everywhere....but ifyou look at it as part of parcel ofbeing part of the family..we all agree, disagree and argue n have diff. of opinion..and if you let it go and moveon...thats what becomes a family.

for you to haev that family feeling, you have to start feeling that you are part of that family...and not keep yourself away from them.

living separately may not always bring in that family feeling...for some it works for some they grow further apart....all on you on what you want make the situation to be

 

that feeling of family will come only if they themselves ( ur inlaws ) treat u as a family member. else u will feel out of place.
we have lived a large part of our life with our parents and just because u r married in indian society it is said that now u have a new family !!!!!! that is the most strange set up !
i always say we marry to get a person who can be a companion not to have new mom and dad !
forget about inlaws i found sleeping next to my husband also bit strange and that too when i knew him before marriage and did not really have a total arrange marriage!
but yeah i think slowly that family feeling does come although u cant say u will love ur mil and fil more than ur parents but yeah when u have kids may be then u feel that u have a family of ur own!

 

Dear I am going thru the same thing.

Yos must heave read my earlier post also..

one of my sil's stays with us now her husband is also staying with us....

She make me feel jealous on small things that she is the one who takes my husbands side.....and for them my dh comes for them forst..... initially i was ok as was new but after 14 months of marriage ---it feels little odd...........

my sil is typical indian dramatic woman, who complains about kitchen stuf if i forgot to ferment yoghurt or couldnt do anythng else to my dh...

and she if havind dinner with my fil n her hsuabnd would always call my dh only for dinner not me .........

and in front of me she says to my dh " dat kake dats wat she calls my dh ----kaake i am with u dont forget u have 2 sisters who r with u"

 

i have got idea



wat i going to do is

tell my dh

" hubby like ur sister is staying here can i also go to my parents house as i have exam in june ...m not able to study also here, its better i go there and study....no problem also as didi is here she is perfect in managing house"

 

Hi,

During intial days of marriage, DIL, will have the feeling, of being a stranger/left out one in their DH's home, as the home/its people/their way of living/eating habits/customs, all are totally new to them.

It's the responsiblity of the inlwas/elders in DH's home, to ease out that tension for the new bride, but normally that would never happen in Indian homes. The elders would always want us to bend first, that is their nature.

The people in DH's would behave as if we dont exist for them. If we need to have a peaceful life, we have to involve ourself in the happenings at home and move friendly with inlaws and others.

Once kids enter, you would not have time to think over these issues.

Normally in indian home, a DIL is alwasys considered an outsider, no matter whaterver we do for the family, we have to accept this fact.

Regards,
Janani

 

Hi
Hmmm .... Congrats for living with your inlawsfor 2 yrs, while its easy to preach, it becomes stressful to actually go thru the process. I guess over the yrs spent together , family members develop among them a certain equation and for us as DILs to fit into their space takes a while, sometimes several yrs. We Just seem to be the odd one out. Leme tell you what I do, several times I find the discussion of my in laws, sil etc. pretty conventional and boring. May be my dh enjoys those conversations. Fine, no issues. So, I politely sneek off and do things what I
Enjoy. But again, I am not actually living with them , so I may not be the best example.
Mega

 

Saman,
For many family means only blood relations, for few they simply reciprocate to the people around them, few consider even pets as family, few have a separate social network site buddy list - Family/ Family ILaws, few accept new relations with open heart and hoping that the other person shall do the same.. but get hurt...
This mainly happens when there's mismatch in expectations between 2 ppl of giving and recieving.

Basically anyone who's not on a hurting mode for you and is making you happy and progress and you feel comfortable in the company is FAMILY.

To get a feel of family from inlaws you can try adjusting/ adapting their ways of living.. which is a bit hard at times given the initial 25-30 yrs of living... then it entirely depends on them.. if they're happy u can be a part of their family.. Indian families also go by FCFS - First Come First Serve... so if you have some other family member entering into your marital combined family setup, you may get some importance over that person.. but if you've been #1 priority in your parents' house.. this is fairly difficult to get with inlaws.
The more you feel non #1 priority.. more you'll drift away from them in terms of feel of family and importance.

As you said.. yes living separate does let husband and wife treat each other as #1 priority in life/need/ depaendence..... and hence more of a family.. but again that hapiness can be shortlived if someone related to your spouse feels highly uncomfortable on loosing their #1 priority from your spouse's life.... its all time/ emotion/ luck game.

 

Wow what an explanation Shilpama... to the point!!

What you said about the FCFS is so true. Before my marriage, my co-sis never got along with my MIL and MIL used to complain to my husband(abt his Bhabhi) so much but after I came into the family MIL complains about me to hubby and praises his bhabhi now!!! I really dont get it... But good thing I dont have to hear it daily So, if you see some families can be a bunch of fickle-minded people who can change parties to serve their interests..

 

Saman Dear, very true it is not at all practical for us to accept DH's family as our family over night, we would have spent our days happily without any restrictions and rules in our parents place but once in in laws house there will be a set of rules to follow, a time table for everything right from getting up in the morning to our dinner time we have to bind by their rules lest we will be named a " Bad DIL".
Even after many many years i felt a stranger and i could not feel at home in my in laws place, every action of mine was monitored, i was free only at my 10/10 bedroom where i could do what i want.

Don't worry its all a passing phase, in my case after my DD was born life was something better and my concentration was totally on my DD and MIL was getting old and lazy so she slowly left the kitchen to me, and once I started deciding the menu for cooking then I slowly started to feel that its my home and family and now MIL is no more, DD is very comfortable here and never like to stay any where else even in Hol's and now i am happy that I have totaly accepted it as my family