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Is controlling parenting uncommon or common in Indian culture?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Loving2011, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Loving,

    I want to share an observation that I have made over the years with you. The "culture" or to be more accurate "cultural behaviour" of Indian society a generation or more ago was certainly very different from the mores today. Times have changed, many (NOT ALL) people have changed, social realities have changed. But very many people who left home and settled abroad tend to see India as the place they left so many years or decades ago. Their concept of Indian "culture" is stuck in the past. And they keep trying to get their kids to adhere to their notion of what India and Indian culture is while India has actually moved on. This is not unique to your mother.

    So in that sense, I doubt if your mother "lied" to you in the true sense of the word. What she told you was based on her perspective of the India she left behind (which need not necessarily be the correct one - I don't know when your mother left India). So what you heard was more likely a coloured perspective than a blatant lie told with the intention of lying. Same probably holds true for your "desi" psychologist.

    Even today it is difficult to generalize what degree of control is practised with what intention on kids in different families. It is so varied.

    It is really unfortunate that your mother kept controlling you so much. But now it is a matter of the past. You need to come out of this and get on with life. Otherwise you are allowing your mother to continue controlling your life without actually being around you.
     
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  2. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    My parents left India in the 70's. That Desi psychologist probably left Pakistan in the 80's or so. When I went to Mumbai, people did seem very liberal..but it also seemed common that adult children were still iving with their parents or parents were worried about their 20-something daughters staying out too late.

    My cousin married someone that her mom didn't like, and that's a perfect example of a girl in India doing what she wants.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2011
  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Staying with parents in India is a cultural thing as well as a practical issue. With such a large population, housing is not so easy to get or very affordable. In a middle class family, often both spouses have to work to earn to pay the rent as well as for other living expenses. Under such conditions, if a young person has a job in the same city where the parents live, it just makes practical sense for them to live under one roof.

    Yes, people are concerned about the safety of their daughters. Safety of women on the streets varies from city to city. Mumbai is as safe as it can get in India. Women in other parts of the country may not be as safe. So it is but natural for parents to be concerned. Having said which, women enjoy a lot more freedom than they did in the 70s or 80s. "Too late" is certainly very subjective. In Mumbai a woman may be safe out on her own even at 10 p.m. In Delhi, she would probably not be as safe if she tried venturing out at the same hour. The curfew hour may again vary in conservative families as against in liberal homes, in villages/small towns as against in the metropolis. There is so much variation, it is hard to generalize anything.
     
  4. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Sanchita. If you don't mind me asking, is it reasonable for a parent to say "As long as you live in my house, you follow my rules." This is something that my mom would say. I can understand basic rules, such as not bringing friends over at 2 am, trashing the house and being too loud. But, what about control that goes too far? A husband and a wife share a home together. Does that mean that one spouse can say "I control you, because I'm giving you this home." I don't think so.

    It was hard for me to explain in the other thread why I took so long to leave. Apart from feeling helpless, I think I also just wanted to make my parents happy by staying with them. Not being easily guilted is something that I'm working on. It's hard to remind ourselves that we aren't responsible for other people's feelings.
     
  5. sojourner

    sojourner Silver IL'ite

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    American parents say this to their kids.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Work with your therapist to come up with one all encompassing, deflective, polite and non judgemental sentence :). Be prepared to repeat it verbatim, ad nauseum, with a smile. Verbatim, dont qualify, justify or change the words to explain more, this commonly happens when people have to repeat something more than a few times. It is also the cause of your downfal for the person will sense you are weakening and become more insistent. Probably this has been the pattern of your previous conversations. Practice well, stay firm, cut the convo if you feel you are weakening. She will get the hint pretty soon after a few such attempts.
     
  7. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you, Sandhya.

    I was thinking over the past few days about some of the blogs I frequent. Blogs like girlsguidetosurvival, indianhomemaker, carelesschronicles, and milky chai seem to also feel that controlling parenting and emotional abuse is common in Indian culture. Some of the posters feel that Desis are just in denial of what's really going on, especially when you're close and dependent on your family.

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion though. The ones that disagree must be fortunate enough to have had a very different lifestyle. I'm not trying to say that every Indian family is like this, but was just sharing some thoughts.
     
  8. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Loving2011, can I ask you a few questions?
    What kind of control has your mother exercised on you in your childhood? ( other than your boyfriends and living independently)
    What sort of abuse did you face? Is it fondling or sexual?

    I'm trying to understand how the next gen thinks. I do not have any kids of my own,but this might help me with dealing with my children in the future.You can choose to ignore answering the questions.
     
  9. samraa

    samraa Bronze IL'ite

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    hi,
    my dad was very controlling in several ways,but my brother and me never questioned him then.now both of us are parents and we are so much like dad.it took me almost 10 long years to learn that contol and respect do not go hand in hand .respect and love ,love and understanding are synonymous.....trying hard to keep my cool and practice this theory with my daughters.
     
  10. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Rules for kids are fine, but there's a difference between control and setting rules. Unhealthy control is when an adult child's hobbies, friends, hair, makeup, clothes, eating choices, weight, and independence is controlled. When the child asserts themselves, the controlling parent combats the child with guilt, name-calling, a raised voice, and other forms of emotional abuse.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2012
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