avoid divorce ............

OP:

You seem to have quite a handful!! The main problem I see here is your H. Not your in-laws or his extended family. I just saw your other thread in the married life problem, and it boils down to one thing - your H's indifference towards your feelings. I wonder how he remained without talking to you during your pregnancy. If I were you, I would be more worried about that than anything else. And do one thing at a time. Dont put 2 and 2 together to make 10! Try to re-surrect your relationship with your H if you can do that, then worry about anything else. He just cant lose his cool during every fight and send you packing!! That seems to be the problem. If you want to work on your marriage, talk to him about that, take him to a therapist/counsellor. Then deal with your other problems. Good luck!

 

Hi,

I too faced almost the same situation with my DH and ILs. I went into a deep state of depression upto the extent of killing myself in the meanwhile but luckily i took professional help and got rid of it on time. Now the problems are solved by gods grace and am fine now. And as my husband was working onsite i moved along with him with my kids and my ILs are staying in India. So i am far better now.

My advice to you is first sit with your husband and talk to him ( not about the ILs issue ). Just talk to him about feelings between you both of you and try to know what feelings does he have towards you and express your feelings also to him. Just be pretty sure that don't get emotional or don't get fired off while talking, just stay cool. And when you know this clearly then you can clearly decide wether you can try by yourself to close the gap developed between your husband and yourself or need to take professional help. If you think you need professional help just approach both of you for counselling so that the things will work out. Remember that divorce is the last last last and really last option after trying all the things you have in your hand and nothing goes well. If you have the thought of divorce in your mind, you can't think the other ways of sorting out the problem. I am telling you this with my own experience. First of all try all the things, I am sure you will find one way or the other way definitely. In the meanwhile just ignore your ILs and try to engage yourself to keep your mind calm and quiet.

Once you sort out your problem with your DH, then you can concentrate on your ILs problem. Till then don't even talk about it with your DH. I know that its tough,but if you do so instead of getting a solution from your DH it will increase the gap between you and your DH which is not at all good for the sake of you and your kids.

Regards,
Latha.

 

I don't understand your h. Shouldn't wife, h and kid stay together under one roof. How can he ask you to live with il's in India and not with him in us.
What is the definition of marriage to him.

 

Rama rama, this problem of living together is when and if you move back to India.
Lovers calm down first spread some love at home and keep home fire burning.
Good you bursted out and stood up for yourself with il's what's done is done. Now your h wants you talk to them as if nothing has happened using the ignore mantra. Why are you fighting it. Tell your h when he talks to them you want to talk too in his presence. Say hi, how are you and take it from there.
If you have conflict at work place would you just stop talking to people on your team. No right so same applies here too to keep your h happy.
All the best.

 

Re: why i need to leave my dh because of my inlaws

Hi,
I can really understand your situation. I am married since 8 yrs. and I repented like anything after my marriage just one month after itself.
I don't have any memorable moments to count in my 7yrs. of married life. But since 1yr. I am enjoying my married life to the highest extent and every day counts me a lot of happiness to me now.

Just 3yrs. back I was also in the same situation as you and left my hubby in australia and i went to India to my parents place directly. But at that time i doesn't want to leave my hubby inspite so many conflicts and wanted to resolve my problem with love and affection but could not so as my health has been ruined like anything with 2 caesareans and food poisoning later on so i could not help myself alone with 2 kids and could not do manage my household work even. And moreover I became so depressed to the extent of killing myself and thoughts coming over me when i hold my kids and walk to throw them under the vehicles passing by and throw them from the balcony. So i had to resolve that first and hence i talked about this with my hubby and opted for professional help in australia itself but i could not get enough support from my hubby in managing my household work and kids as he is also so much stressed out with office work. And that too my MILs are in india itself and I knew very well that he won't reachout for extra marital affairs for sure and so I talked to him and went back to India on the condition that i will staying with my parents during my depression treatment and i will not be contacting my ILs at all till my treatment is over as it my revoke my problem and i will be in a great chaos. For this I assured him alot saying that my intention was not to keep the ILs away and when I am stabilised I will go and stay with them for sure. I had to control myself alot in avoiding myself from shouting during the discussions as it usually triggered the problem alot than giving a solution. After going back to India i opted for professional help and got rid of depression and when I am stabilised I went to my ILs house with more confidence and fought alot peacefully for my rights over there and got a job and worked for 4 months. In the meanwhile I had so many fights with my hubby on phone as he didn't tell me about his arrival specifically. He just use to tell that he will be back in 2 months and then he use to say that it has been extended for 2 more months again like that. Like that he stayed for 2yrs. in australia and myself struggling in India with my kids and struggling with my parents and ILs. Though my parents supported me alot in need sometimes my mom use to curse me saying that its all my fault for which i am suffering and making them also suffer alot. Because my mom wanted to cancel my marriage just 1 week before as she got the mind of my MIL due to some of her actions thinking that I am going to suffer after marriage for sure but i resisted as I believed my hubby alot. Though ours was arranged marriage, we use to talk daily for hours after our engagement till marriage. There was a gap of 2 months between engagement and marriage. By talking to him on phone though we didn't met personally I was sure at that time and our mentalities are similar and views for life are also same and i will be getting support from him in any case. He assured me too. Generally we use to talk about the conflicts generally which will be arising in between wife and husband after marriage and made a wow not to allow either side of the elders in our personal issues and we are going to solve with patience and understanding by ourselves and he will giving full support to me and I had to take care of their parents though he has an elder brother but is settled in France. But all my dreams were shattered like anything just a month after my marriage.
I was harrassed by my MIL like anything. And used to behave affectionately infront of my husband. I could not prove to him. After so much of suffering eventhough i could prove to him he only insisted to solve the problem by myself and he can't help and told me bluntly that there is no way of him keeping his parents away. I have to stay with them.
We don't have a seperate bedroom even. My MIL is against to keeping maids and hence i have to work. She is against in using washing machine, grinder, rice cooker thought we have all the things in the home. (My BIL arranged everything thinking that his mother should not suffer.). I don't know wether she used them or not but she never allowed me to use them. Even after my deliveries also I made to work like anything that too with caesarians. In my hubbys absence she use to torture my kids as she doesn't wanted grand daughters. And she even forced me to give my elder daughter to my BIL as they don't have kids. I resisted alot and got much suffering in that case and my hubby used to say when i kept this issue infront of him just she is kidding and she won't do it for real. But i know the torture she created for me in his absence. By gods grace they have a child now and i am freed. These are only some I mentioned, if going on mentioning it may take so many pages and I really don't want remid all those things now.
Just mentioning here to know my sufferings in outline and how i dealt with so that i will be very very happy if it helps you in any case in taking the decision for your life.

At one stage when my hubby is in australia and i went back to india i thought of opting for divorce and the first question i kept to myself is, "Will I be happy after divorce by accepting my life as it is or repent for taking divorce?
If I take divorce I should be independent with my kids and should not depend on my parents and my brother as it my create troubles for sure and can I manage alone with my kids?

Did I tried all the ways to resolve my life before opting for divorce?

For all the three questions I got only one answer which is a big NO.

I thought that i should opt for divorce only if i am sure that i have tried all the ways to resolve the problems and failed and my kids would suffer alot if they live in such situations for long as they didn't get the affection of his dad also properly. In such case I am prepared to make myself strong enough to take divorce and stay on my own legs.
Before that I just wanted to think again and write down these points.

1.Can I change my MILs in any case? -- A big NO again.
But if I have to save my marriage I have to stay with my ILs only and there is no other option left in this case as my hubby will be behaving so rudely with me even if he suspects that i think so. He even bet me in this case. So I have to stay with them and whatever torture they create for me I can't take to his notice as it will create more mess than solving.

2. This is the main point -- Do my hubby loves me and my kids? So many I sensed that he has lots of affection for me and my kids. But the only problem is he has some backlogs.
Basically he is soft natured and affectionate person. But he is scared of responsibilities and he loves his parents alot. And my ILs cashed these two things in my hubby and created a big fear that if he leaves them, "he can't sustain with two girls to be educated and married and in turn you will become a puppet in your wife's hand."

In the absence of my ILs I found a lot of caring and affection for myself and kids from my hubby but in any case he needs dependence for anything. He doesn't want to take even a single responsibility on his own without anyones support. Even at office also he makes himself safe under somebody though he hardworking and intelligent but lacking in management skills and I am also soft in nature so he is sure that we should depend on his parents for sure. I could not change his thinking in this case. And above all he doesn't have any friends at all and is not at all exposed to the outside world.

But I am dam sure that he is affectionate and he is deadly against divorce also. Because whenever I use to raise my voice against the suffering i observed that he got scared that i would opt for divorce and be quiet and calm for sometime but could not bear the pressure from my MIL and use pressure me. She use to poison his brain.

One more thing which i thought is if I can't fight at home itself how can i manage alone with 2 kids in the outside world. So I decided to make myself strong and not to give up my fight until i fail.

Onething is for sure that I have no fear that they will kill me, i have to face just some physical torture and lots of mental torture. For that i should be physically and mentally fit. I took good care of my health.

I was in regular contact with my hubby on mails, chat and phone sometimes. So at one point during our conversation I confessed to him I was only wrong till now since our marriage and I am really sorry for that and I won't be keeping my ILs away in any case and I want to sort out all the issues between us and be happy from now. And I told him that i love him alot and I can't live without him.

And i started to search for the weakpoints in my ILs and my hubby.
My MILs are little bit scared if they think that the problem goes outside the house. So I took advantage of it and I use to shout at them back in my hubbys absence.(when he was in australia. By that time i was recovered from depression.). I made myself independent by getting a job and my kids are big enough to go to school and they are safe in school when i am at work. I use to pick them up from my office by myself and take care of them at home and didn't allowed my MIL to take a chance to torture my kids. I took care not to bring these issues to my hubby's notice or never complained about my ILs behaviour. He asked me once as he was noticed about these issues by my IL in my absence on phone. Then I just answered him in a cool and calm voice without exciting myself saying that i had to just revert back for the problem she created and assured him that it was just at that moment and i have no issues or anger on her and i will take good care of them. (Actually in my ILs house whenever they shout at me, they will say that its only for that moment and they don't have any anger on me and they love me as their own daughter.) So I used the same technique over them.

One plus point for me here is that he opened up his issues with me infront of one of his colleague who is a very nice guy. That guy brain washed him slowly and it worked out as he is away from his mother. And that as he was alone here for 2yrs. he use to recall our married life and use to feel my love for him.(i came to know this later on from my hubby itself). Instead of so much torture I never missed even a single in all these 7yrs. of our married life to show all the affection and love I have for him. I sincerely loved him and he is very well aware of it.
Slowly he started changing in his thinking and these 2yrs. he saved enough money that he got some confidence on himself and his fear for responsibilities is slowly decreasing day by day. I could sense this during our conversations and i use to tell him always that myself and kids are missing him alot and my kids are really missing their father seeing the other kids with their dads at school functions, etc. So I use to take this chance during our chats and make children express their feelings towards him. My elder one was 6 yrs old and sometimes she use to cry as soon as she sees his dad on the laptop and use to ask him when he is coming. My younger is just 4yrs and didn't know all this but use to just imitate her sister.
Finally after 2yrs. his project was and he was ready to come back to India in a month or so. At that time he got an offer from another company, Indian company only but he has to work onsite for 1 or 2yrs. and that too in australia itself. I took opportunity and told him nicely to accept this offer. I told him that we never enjoyed in all these 7yrs. of married life and it will be good if we stay alone there with our kids for and year or so, so that we will get some time to understand each other more clearly and clear the gaps between us and we will be back again to india and join our ILs. But I took care not to force him. I just told him once and left the decision to him only and assured him that I will be happy with him wether he accepts the offer or not because i am sure that if i force him he will be suspiscious over me and again i will be in the start for my problems. He said he is not accepting the offer and coming back to India. I said its ok and we all are eagerly waiting for him.
Then may be he started thinking by himself and suddenly one day he called me and told that he has accepted the offer. After accepting it also it took almost 2-3 months for us to join him in australia. After coming here also I just said a big sorry to him saying that it was all my mistake till now. So his ego was satisfied to some extent.
Initially for some days he use be irriatated and behave as before but this I took care not to revert back and keep a silent ear on him and use to behave normally as if nothing happened. Sometimes he use to stop talking to me and be moody with me and i could not get any answer if I ask also. But I controlled my emotions and just struggled alot to behave normally and after a lot of struggle i got the result slowly. Now I am really very very happy. He is nice with his kids and all of us are enjoying our lives.
Now I will be talking to my ILs on phone regularly and will be advising them to take good care of their health and behave as if nothing happened. My husband will be sending money to my ILs and I won't object in that case.


Ofcourse if my hubby has come to india instead of staying here, the change would have come in him for sure but it would have took some more time for that change as my MIL will be brainwashing him.

I can only say you one thing that first of all try to assess by yourself about your husband mentality and his affection towards yourself and your kid. If he has that affection please don't be hasty to leave him and go back to India. And you are saying that your ILs are staying with you only here. If you go back to India in such you MIL won't leave a chance to seperate both of you forever.

Fix these points in your mind that there is no way that your husband is going to stay without his parents. So you have fight for your rights staying with them only. If you go away now you are not going to join your hubby for lifetime. Thats for sure. ( For me my ILs were not here and my hubby is against to divorce, so I dared to get back to India that too for treatment).

I know that it takes lots of patience and pressure to bare all these things. But unless you fight you are not going get the result.

Just remember not to raise your voice infront of your hubby in any case. Stay cool and calm infront of him and be very very affectionate to him. If he doesn't talk to you also be cool and he will definitely come back from his negligency towards you. I think there is no wrong in accepting our fault and saying sorry to satisfy the male ego eventhought we are not wrong. So try it once and observe the change.
One thing is sure that in such situations we don't get any result if we are angry. just stay calm.

Don't opt for divorce util you are sure that your husband never loved you till now and there is any danger for you life.

If you have any doubts pls feel free to write again.

Regards,
Latha.

 

Hi,

I understand that you have kids. I can fully understand with your situation, insecurities, dilemmas. I have seen all of these and when I read yours and Latha's , it was more of action replay of my own married life. The thoughts of in-laws with only son, i think, will more or less be same. I have seen couple of people, whose married lives had lots of issue especially when husband is an only son. In addition to the above issues, i also had to battle few other things - as my SIL(she was married to only son, son and his parents had issues, she had similar issues and they were staying seperately and son was never influenced by his parents but due to difference of opinions and luckily she had no kids. Also, in resolving the issue everyone was involved, and ultimately took divorce, and got remarried after almost 6 years- and you can think of the impact on my own married life as well) came to her parents house after 8 months of my marriage and you can imagine, what all would have happened. The only thing i can say is Divorce is not an option when you have kids. More than the happiness of ourselves, for kids it is a blot in the psychological development. I can say patience, ignoring all issues and may be becoming self sufficient is better rather than wasting time thinking, cribbing and crying. In all these, don't loose your health.

IL is a great forum, and I know, people are great and like Latha's advice, you can get best of them. Don't worry on staying together or seperate...Leave it to time... If your husband doesn't care for you, leave it... think of kids, spend time with them and do your favourite things... One thing I can say, husband is always caught between wife and parents... He will realize slowly.... As Latha said, we may not have many sweet memories, but yes, with your patience and will power, you can have peaceful life....

LATHA - Really Appreciate your time and patience in writing such a detailed reply. EXCELLENT PIECE OF ADVICE. I have gone through the same and did almsot the same... and today after 15years of marriage, am in a better and happier situation than 7 years back....

LOVERS: Please read, re-read, re-read LATHA'S Advice...that's the best possible things that you can do to remain in the marriage and ensure a better life for your kids.


Just imagine that you have taken divorce......does it solve all your problems...no.......it brings itself with new set of problems and also impacts your own esteem and self...Kids are the worst sufferers...Be in the battleground and win the war... All you need is tact and patience...

Don't think of what your in-laws are feeding to your hubby's brain... They have their own concerns/insecurities... All I can say- any issue discussion has to be between you and your husband and please see that you don't involve anyone else- including in-laws, brothers, sisters, parents...