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Challenge ahead

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indus123, May 27, 2011.

  1. indus123

    indus123 New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    Married for 2 years. arranged - from day one incompatible. His habit is to test me always that how i react to the situation. done so many awkward things to write here. He takes pride in insulting me before in-laws and they too enjoy it by consoling their son.He wants to convey every single activity of mine to parents. He wants to keep his parents comfortable and to prove to them in every instance that they are more important to him. But far from their sight also he doesn't share a emotional relationship with me. Always see me like a traitor who will get all his property in my name. Father and mother treats boy like 2 yrs kid and baby also likes to lie down with the parents in their bed and would like to hear to their advices. Basically he needs someone to advice him all the time. Father knows son's pulses and know how to make him dance to his tune - highly diplomatic -tough nut to crack. Mother - hate's kitchen - queen of drama -wants son to tell her everything and she will come and ask me onceagain as if nothing reached her ears and play with that - materialistic - mad about locker - she ruined initial year for jewels and keeping it in her locker. she wants control of all stuff including the laptop, camera which we use and we have to handover to keep it in locker while we leave the house even for a short trip. I need to handover the cupboard keys even when we travel to another city. Husband says then only she will be comfortable.
    Recently, Moved to india and found a job.He is still searching. I had official enquiry from office to in-laws place when out of city. I asked why didn't she call me when person was around because they said that he asked whether that house belongs to me as property. I know they did notinform me purposefully so that they can interrogate to know something about me from the stranger. Husband with me and shouting to mother that its not my house. Ripped me that i questioned MIL and left my parent's place while I was travelling abroad next day for offical work without seeing me off. He came there for his own reasons. THis is the latest happening of my life. TOO many difficulties passed. No kid. no phone contact for last 15 days. MIL/FIL talk to me when son is talking. otherwise right or wrong wont talk and always expect me to come and fall at their legs and finally say we thrown you, you are one to come and lick their feet. sometime back he said that you were like a mad girl, how did u turn smart suddenly.Ultimately no peace in life. PArents and work location same city. But i wannsa go seperate and live. dont know husband will come and live with me. All jewels+household things in in-laws city. When i return, i dont know how to manage them. husband for sure will insult /say get-out for no fault of mine. parents worried. no end..tough challenge emotionally day in/out.
     
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  2. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    You are a working, intelligent smart girl. Even your h agrees to it. How long will you live like this.
    Strangers can't tell you what to do. Even God helps those who help themselves.
    Please don't have a kid if you decide to continue with this lifestyle.
     
  3. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with ars.
    First don't even think of having a kid with this man.

    If you are not happy with your MIL keeping your jewels with her or in her locker, be firm and say you want the jewels back and open up a locker on your own and keep the jewels in it. It's your right to keep your jewels with you or wherever you wish too. I just don't understand why some MIL are so adamant to keep other people's jewels under their nose.

    Even if the jewels are safe with them never allow them to keep it if you are not happy about it.

    I am not sure whether your husband will eventually change with some adjustments from your part, although I personally feel he will never change.

    You are intelligent and working. Try to work on this marriage if you want, if everything fails then maybe you can decide to walk out from this marriage and find your own happiness.

    Stay strong.
     
  4. indus123

    indus123 New IL'ite

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    Hi happywife,

    Its my husband's wish to handover all the jewels to MIL. Just when we came back from mom's house after marriage she called and asked me to show all the jewels and she demanded that she will keep it with her. Even I requested PIL that i want to keep on my own. That they told son secretly and son shouted me that I should get out of the house and he needs a divorce- one week within marriage. Thats how it was. There is no "being myself" or my decision. I can't forget those happenings in my life. They seriously dont understand what they have done to me. Son take pride in honouring mother's wish. Till date I haven't even wore any of the jewels - it is as it was. I dont know what that lady rejoices when keeping all things under her control. May be when things get adverse, i have a proof that she kept jewels with her. They are in different city, so I am planning to take along with me in future. Whatsoever Happywife, they are bitter memories and it haunts me so much. I dont understand why after marriage women cribble , get depressed,get emotionally wounded while husbands stay with their parents. Is that we only want a family life? they dont need? and they expect DIL to come back?? My husband is so insecured that he feels that i will overpower him and will always wait for a chance that when i would get trapped or for my downfall. I fear him a lot.I can't be myself to him. And finally, Today am completing 2 years of rotten life. Please dont wish me...
     
  5. sweetyk

    sweetyk Gold IL'ite

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    Oh dear,

    So sorry to here all these. One thing is please have patience and trust in god every thing will set right.

    First thing I see is your husband is under complete control of your MIL. And just thinking of her and her comfort no matter what.

    It takes lot of time to change such people. If there is any chance to live separately from MIL and FIL for atleast 6 to 12 months with your husband I am sure situations will be better.

    I will pray for you dear. All the best. Have patience.

    Wish you happy married life ahead..

    Sweety
     
  6. Venonimiss

    Venonimiss Bronze IL'ite

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    Wedding Anniversary? Sorry for your situation. I know there is not much to celebrate. But BE BRAVE. Take charge. You are not a lil' girl in front of your husband. You entered his life as a 'SAHA DHARMACHARINI' - an equal partner!! You have to make your voice heard. Be clear on what you want..Explain. If they don't honor, then you do what you have to do...

    If there is love, try talking to your husband (and only him) and make clear of what you want. Because he is the only one, if understands you can turn things around.

    Marriage..if there is no love, has to be treated like a business deal. You brought all the jewels..now take them back. You want to live seperately, now let everyone know this. And if they don't agree, then be on your way. Let the husband come for you and if doesn't ...then things are pretty clear. You'll know what to do..

    Don't loose heart. Your life, education and experiences before marriage are yours to keep and you have to draw strength from them. You are a VIP to your own parents and family. Keep that in mind and mold your life.

    Do not give into these tiny disappointments. Life is too precious. If something is wrong, try your best to make it right or deal with it. When you cannot do both, then move on to something else.

    Good Luck.
     
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  7. redgems

    redgems New IL'ite

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    venonimiss - great advice.
     
  8. Soumedh

    Soumedh Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    In an arranged marriage there should be equal efforts from both husband and wife to be compatible with each other.In your case its zero effort from your DH part.
    You are educated, independent please work on your future ...Always take moral support from your parents.I know its not easy to forget the issues which occurred in the past but still I would say ignore those initial hiccups of your marriage,have open talk to your DH to work upon this marriage..Be brave and have clear talks with him then only you can take your stand.take care
    Rgds
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    2 yrs of married life and this is what you saw and endured....what do you expect from such a man and his family???

    i remember one of my friend saying this...ask yourself some questions....

    are you scared when he is with you (as to what he will drag into a fight or what he might instigate?)
    were you afraid of going back home, when you were living with him?
    Was it always about what his parents said/thought /wanted and if you tryto answer it becomes a big fight?
    Was it always about him and his parents andhow they get hurt easily? (they dont care whether you are hurt or your parents are hurt!!!)
    Was it always about his parents are the elders so you have to listen to them, but when it comes to your parents, they are girls parents so have to bear crap!!
    Last but not least..

    When you felt that he has inferiority complex and he keeps waiting to see you fall......I wonder can such complex be handled...even if you earn and give the money to him still ....he doesnt like to see his wife one step ahead or even walking hand in hand with him...

    Whatever is the past....be calm and think with a clear mind....concentrate on your job...for coupleof weeks....dont talk to him..let him call you...see how he behaves....VOICE out all your concerns and expectations from him and this marriage...If he again backfires and doesnt talk about what he is planning for you as a family and as a husband....then you know......dont fight with him...just let it be and you move on....dont try to convince him....he is not a kid...he was with you for 2 yrs and doesnt he know his wife??..he has to grow up eventually. dont spoil your life over this guy and trying to make him understand.

    Be strong and firm. Be Brave. See if it has to happen it will...whehter you stick to him like a glue or whether you live far away from him.

    but you start making plans for your life and take steps towards making your future better. save money in your a/c. start working towards making yourself strong and independant. its a good idea to rent a separate home/apt even if you are living in the same city as your parents. only for the reason that eventually you got to prepare yourself for best/worst. anyways you can visit your parents over weekends etc right?? show everyone that you are strong and you are capable of handling all this crap that your hsuband is throwing at you.you wont be scared or you wont bow down.
     
  10. indus123

    indus123 New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    Please read my previous posts to know the background. I am here to share what I am going through now. I returned to India last august and my parents are so much interested in what I earn than my situation. My father's rude behaviour and greediness made him to say that I should go out of the house. I found a place for myself and living alone till now. Meanwhile I received divorce petition from him in feb for which he has filed in court in November itself. I hired a lawyer, he advices that we should reunion or go on mutual consent. I have no control over anything that's happening, confused, worried, frustrated about my future.I am not sure how far reunion will work post divorce is filed even if he accepts..pls advice..
     

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