SIL suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Sheenu · May 4, 2010

Hi,

I have found a cause of my bad relations with inlaws. My SIL always manipulate my words and acts and prove to my MIL that I am a bad DIL. My MIL trust her and completely feel that I am enemy of the family. My SIL do this to show that she is the best and love family more than me. She dont show her arrogant behavior infornt of others. She mishaves with me and make me angry. And when I reacts, She wins the battle by showing that I am the one who creates problem. From so many of her acts I have seen symptoms of 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder'.

Now I want to know how to deal with person like this. How to tell my PILs that their doughter is not well. How to tell them that I am victim of her.

My MIL is very agressive person. When she listen the stories of my SIL against me . She gets angry and burst at me. Now these misunderstandings have crossed the limits. I feel very difficult to live with them. I need a to fix this problem. Can any one of you know the theropy for this disorder.

Following is some information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

ShilpaMa · May 4, 2010

Sheenu
Now I want to know how to deal with person like this. How to tell my PILs that their doughter is not well. How to tell them that I am victim of her.

Even a medical pratictioner has to think a 1/0 times (infinitely) to tell the parent that hey your child is not normal :crazy and you're a DIL to top it all. Find you ways to avoid her rather than educating her parents.

Also the NPD characteristics that you mentioned in the post is what I see in most of the school goers (mostly associated to convent schools) these days :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl.... and also associated with a lot of people on TOP levels atleast in the marketing corporate world.... really dont know where to draw a line if this is a disorder or success criteria.

Sheenu · May 4, 2010

Thanks Shilpa. I was also thinking about this. I can't tell this to anyone, because I am not doctor. But I can share with you people and request for advise to how to deal with person with these type of characteristics . Actualy I feel this because she is using me to show herself superior .

I know these characteristics can be seen in people at top levels, but my SIL is a teacher. And yes school goers also have this attitude type of thing but they show empathy unlike NPD.

sita2223 · May 4, 2010

Sheenu,

I don't know if you have a medical degree. But if you don't, I think it's not right to attribute such disorders to people. If you doubt that your SIL may have a problem, convince her to go for a check-up instead of concluding she has a problem.

Coming to your problem, your SIL is behaving like that bcos she knows her mom trusts her and she wants to trouble you bcos you are an outsider. I have a SIL who bad-mouths and tells lies to her parents to create fights with.. Guess who?.. her own brother. WHY? Because she tried it against me and my DH stood up for me. So she changed her target. All we can do now is try not to deal with her as much as we can.

If you are living under the same roof, try to get out. Bond with your DH..., I can not emphasize enough how important that is. Try not to deal with your SIL as much as you can. Hope this helps.

Indyan · May 4, 2010

Sheenu,

I totally agree with ShilpaMa-"Even a medical pratictioner has to think a 1/0 times (infinitely) to tell the parent that hey your child is not normal and you're a DIL to top it all. Find you ways to avoid her rather than educating her parents." ,well said.

Avoiding confrontation with such people,is the best possible way of dealing with them.
However I also understand that, at times it can really get on your nerves.So here are a few tips(IMO) to play her

Grandiose sense of self-importance-Always praise her ,for anything she does.Make sure you praise her for the smallest of small things ,especially when it is riduculous ,this way you can have your fun too.Eg: Suppose she makes doas,just ordirany dosa ,then you go ahead praise her that she makes the best dosa ever,better than anyone you know ,and do it in private and also in front of everyone saying that it is the best dosa possible and nobody can do anything like her.Later on you can laugh it off.There is saying in hindi "Channe ke jhad pe chedao".:biglaugh

Has a sense of entitlement-:bowdownAlways make sure she gets everything first ,especially when anything is ridculously uninportant,and make a big deal saying that SIL shud get it first and she is the one who deserves it the most .

What I'm trying to say is, just overdo it ,in front of everyone.
Later on you can have a good laugh with you husband.:cheers

All the best

Sheenu · May 5, 2010

Thank you Friends for your advice. I will try to act as you suggested.

I am not a doctor. I am saying this only on the bases of strong symptoms I have seen in her. She was very inteligent in studies.But unfortunately didnt achive the goals. Now she feel jealous of me and my job. She tries to prove that my job is creating problem in our family.

ShilpaMa · May 5, 2010

Sheenu,
Some people apply SPD traits at workplace or career and reach top levels however those who apply it at home (either they dint get a chance to do it in their career, or chose not to) make a hell at home... cos these traits are about slaying competitors left right and center and relationships suffer badly.

In initial years of marriage when I had no inlaw issue, I cited the same fear of moving back into that house due to SIL for getting heavily crunched under such dominative personalities.. only her inlaws could keep a track on her which they with a combined effort shooed them off :rotfl:rotfl:rotfl. I dont believe in A** licking so I couldn't have done it for her as well.

If you have no options but to stay with them and can't carry out a** licking then try avoiding her all together... imagine that she's not around at all.. else if possible then move out.

coolbird · May 9, 2010

Dear Sheenu

I quite understand what you mean, cos I have recently come across a lady, who believe it or not is a School Teacher too, who has these symptoms but here the victim is her daughter who is 7 years old. If someone tells her off and she does not get her way, or things are not according to how she likes it, the daughter gets the receiving end. She even lies blatantly to get her way.

Being disturbed by what was happening, it was effecting me badly, I tried finding / googling out what all this was about, and then came by Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

And I learnt the sad fact is all those who give in just to maintain the peace and harmony in the family, are called 'Enablers'.

Unfortunately, unless they come to you for help, you cannot let your family know, or the person know. The way she is, she is absolutely normal and can appreciate and behave well, but if you try to question her or cornering her, she starts showing her true colours.

That is because she knows she is a failure in her own eyes not achieving as much as the people around her, but will not admit, and live in the illusion that she is very spectacular, someone who can do anything.

What was advised is to stay out of the person's way, so that you do not get her to react and take her anger out on her daughter.

The person suffering from this disorder, clearly knows how it is effecting the victim but gets a kind of pleasure of having the authority or right to do so. The disorder itself may not be known.

........and sadly enough, this disorder I believe has no cure. It can vary in certain degrees at times, it may be dormant for a while but it can erupt too any given time.

What I can advise you, is to keep away from your SIL, or take care not to antagonise her, since you require to stay in the same house. If you do have an option, stay far away from her. If you should tell anybody of her disorder, she can turn everyone against your favour and you would have lost all trust and respect.

See that as far as possible you do not step on her toes and things should be fine for you. Try finding favour with your inlaws doing things which she does not know how to, start with small steps and they will start believing you too. As Shilpama and Indyan have said give her that importance she wants just so that you will be able to live peacefully, else if possible move out.

Sil.