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Can I change my wife???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shyam09, Jan 27, 2010.

  1. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Shyam,

    My husband is kind of your wife.Even if we have to movie he needs some friends.Initial years was tough for me.Because every week end he used to call some other and most of the time I end up cooking food.
    Atleast these days he changed little bit after telling and telling ofcourse kids keeping him busy.
    These things will not change in one day.You need to keep on injecting in the mind.Think twise or discuss with me before you call anyone or arrnaging anything.So you need to keep on remind her all the time.
    It's there nature and it's not that they are doing on purpose.
     
  2. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Shyam, I really think that you need to have a one on one talk with your wife.

    The next time you know that there is a sllep over for your kids at someone else's place....just grab this opportunity to go somewhere overnight....tell this to your wife just at the nick of time, or secretly pack an overnight bag for the two of you...call her some place to meet you after she has dropped the kids and just whisk her off so she does not have time to invite friends over....as if you are springing a surprise on her.

    Here talk to her openly with no other disturbance. Before you spring your likes and dislikes on her....find out what she wants in life and what is her goal....personal goal, goal as a couple for the two of you, goal for her kids and goal for the entire family. Set the ball rolling in her court.

    After you hear her out evaluate her mind and talk to her accordingly.

    For partying, i have the following suggestions:

    Why don't she take up some community/social work
    She can party during the week when you and kids are out of the house and then spend quality time as a family.
    Chart out your future plans as a family and how you guys are going to achieve it.
    From your post i understand you have a daughter...the importance of safe guarding her in the right manner hence why less sleep overs.

    I think we can discuss more later.
     
  3. beautysne

    beautysne New IL'ite

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    This may sound weird but there is a point in it. Shyam, when I see myself standing in your place, I have learnt certain things. Things which cannot be cured may be endured. Just stop thinking like a wounded soldier. Give rest to the judge inside your mind on these issues temporarily. At certain triggering points if we “learn to let go” and “learn to live with it” it consoles within us to a greater extent. I admit that the advices from our friends which you have received so far are 100% correct, but apart from just thinking thinking….just chill !!!. Listen to sufi or music of your choice. I am not asking you to say yes when u want to say no. A simple compromise within us makes a huge difference. Whatever is right to you may not sound right to your wife or vice versa, which is universal. Wait till the point of convergence comes. Cheers!!!!

    Sneha
     
  4. jezz_nish

    jezz_nish Senior IL'ite

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    hi shyam

    i totally understand you and your wife,i feel both of you are overdoing certain thing since the imbalance...and its definetly gona effect your children in the long run

    u need a proper balance,she compromises a lil for u n you do the same for her,so it never bothers each of u much

    first of all your wife needs to back off a lil from the socialising and u have to do a lil more of it,then it will get fine..now comes the question how to do it

    you really have talk with your wife waht you feel about the present sitution,but not in a way as if u r demanding but a request to understand you and co-operate a lil.for that u shud take her out some place nice for dinner and then put the topic,so that she is in a good mood.
    i guess once in a month if she organises a weekend getogether with her friends its fine and so is the kids sleepover,anything if done moderately wouldnt harm anyone.

    but you can also ask her cooperate to some of your demand or say requests ,like ask her 2 wind up the weekend together by a specific time ,so its not too late for you.
    request her 2 give some intructions to your children and friends cumin in for the sleepover regarding not messing up the house.you can do it in fun way so no one is offened

    stick a chart wich says"SLEEPOVER RULES"" in your kids room,were her friends can see it properly.
    in that chart u can put in the things you dont wont them 2 do.
    keep a fancy basket full of snacks n drinks in her room,so they can eat n drink all they want in their room itself,provide some games for them 2 keep the friends occupied in the room itself.

    before your kids friends come home,give clear intrsutions to your children along with your wife ,like they have 2 be in the bed by a fixed time(be a lil lenient ok),no roaming around all over the house n messing up,etc make it clear to your children that either they follow the rules or no more sleepovers....so they will definetly request their friends to co-operate n behave.

    while your kids r busy with their freinds u n yr wife can watch some nice movie,hve some snacks etc n hve a lil fun of your own...tht will help connect and undestand each other better too.

    then when yr wife wants to have a getogether duirng weekdays ,request her 2 wind up before u r back from home..so u can rest as well have some family time of your own,dong tell her in ths tone"'ask your friends to go coz they r diturbing me"' u can put it more sweetly by sayin ''i come home tired n wud like some peace n spend time with u n kids so could u pls request to leave bfre yr hubby is home"' this way yr wife wont gte bugged with u either.....

    instead of always inviting her friends,invite some of yr friends also once in a while ,i'm sure both u n her will feel good about it.
    ask your wife to engage in some socia work,gym..some art classes etc so that keeps her occupied and cheerful.
    organise some weekend trips or holidays once a yr atleast...


    so make some small changes like suggested by me n many others n i'm sure u will have a better family life and always remmeber u can get your wife 2 do what u want only with love n not by anger or irritation.and be more co-operative when it comes 2 socialising


    jess

    take care
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2010

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