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what would you do-please suggest

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by joytoworld76, Jun 15, 2009.

  1. joytoworld76

    joytoworld76 New IL'ite

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    Hey friends,

    I am married & have a kid of 4 year daughter.I want to have one more kid to give company to her but have below problem.
    1.My SIL (married for 10 years)who lived next door does not have children,so my MIL want to give the kid to her if i have one more.
    2.I am already 33 & have lil health issue which can be fixed & i will be healthy enough to have one more kid.

    we are financially ok...we can easily manage with single income if i leave my job too...but i am not ready to give the kid to my SIL as they are not educated couple ,i dont want my kid to be raised by them int hat environment.but,i want to give company to my kid in her growing years.

    i am in dilema...i feel bad when i see my daughter lonely,at the same time cant take the risk of having one more kid as it will be taken away by my MIL.My husbancd is good & says one is enough,as i am mentally not ready to give the kid & he will be stuck with emotional blackmail from his mom & SIS.i am totally lost.SIL is not intrested to adopt any other kid.My SIL has one more sister who is younger but not ready to give her kid,pressure is on us as my hubby is only son....I am just sick & tired of this...

    i feel very low & depressed.......i dont mind if SIL at next door actively participate in my kid life but i cant imagine her to raise my kid....If they cannot adapot it is thier problem....why should they force us?MIL\SIL dominate very much....i want to have child but just because of this reason is backing off...feel bad to see my child lonely.

    Please dont suggest to move out....we cannot as he is the only son...i want to have good atmosphere at home....i want to make this work....what should i do?Go for sec kid taking the risk\just adjust myself with one kid with heavy heart?.....

    Appriciate your time...i am stuck please help me.....
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    To sum it up, your mil is crazy and your sil is desperate.

    I'm very shocked reading that your mil would even suggest giving up your kid, as if children were some type of tradable commodity! Sometimes you hear about women having 8 children and they always say they love all 8 kids equally. Just because you have one child, doesn't mean you would be able to part with the second one. The fact that your mil thinks giving your kid away is a logical solution, simply shows how illogical she really is.

    But try not to be too hard on your sil, she must be feeling very depressed about not having kids yet. Her request probably stems from a roller coaster of emotions, and she's most likely not thought of her odd request from your point of view. Or maybe she has and is simply as crazy as your mil. I hope it's the former rather than later.

    In any case, your mil should do the responsible thing and encourage your sil to go for adoption. You can try encouraging her too. If she choses not to adopt, that is her problem. But just because she can't biologically produce children doesn't mean you shouldn't either. Explain to your dh that you are wanting a sibling for your first child, and that you welcome his sisters involvement in your children's life but under no circumstances will you "gift away" your baby. He also needs to man up and put an end to the emotional blackmail from his mom and sis.

    Good luck.
     
  3. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    hi joy,
    u & only u have right on ur child.no one can force u to give ur child to anyone.if u r forced even bu dh u can take legal action .

    as ur sil has another sister & she has refused so u r being pressurised but i feel u ,too, can take firm stand & say NO for once & all.having to see ur child grow nearby & still having no say in her upbringing will be difficult not only for u but for ur dh too .even ur just critcisim in future will not be accepted with open mind.

    i had a friend in my class u was adopted by her bua(father's sis)she was very resentful towards her biological parents & later even refused to invite then to her own marriage.

    if ur sil is so keen on kids she should so for legal adoption & give some poor kid good life instead of spoiling joys of motherhood for u.
    discuss it firmly with ur dh & convey it to ur mil.then convey the decision to sil also .
    a child is a living human & cannot be passed like some gift.
    pragati
     
  4. joytoworld76

    joytoworld76 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much asuitable girl,mahajanpragathi for the time & suggestion.Appriciate it.....My husband cannot say anything to MIL\SIL.They are very manipulative..He is stuck.SIL & his husband did not go for adoption even after 10 years of marriage as they are narrow minded businessmen.SIL hubby is MIL's brother...so the pressure is more....every relative & friends are telling me to help them...they say anyway kid will be next door..its too hard..my life is not like a Movie....i dont know what to do...my hubby says forget it....lets not have any more kids...one is enough....one more will be lot of problem to us than sibling for our daughter...i agree with him with my present situation....but feel extremly guilty to see her alone craving for friends....i try to engage her with lots of activities but still she feels lonely...she finds other home happier where kid are....i am educated but does not have wisdom to resolve this....we have to stay with inlaws & SIL next door forever..we cannot change it as we have to take care of them...MY parents & sister say dont go for one more .. it will invite lots of problem.s.....i feel like my life is stuck....i will not be able to do justice to my kiddo.....please suggest a way out wise ladies.....
     
  5. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Joy

    Your post is making my skin crawl... I'm don't know if exchanging children between family members is something that is accepted/acceptable in India, but according to your IL profile, you are in the US. This means that if your crazy MIL and SIL and your easily-manipulated husband do steal your child from you, you can go to the police because that is kidnapping, as far as I know.

    Your decision to have another child really has nothing to do with your SIL, MIL or anyone else besides you and your husband. I know it's easier said than done (based on my reading here on IL of the atrocities that married women put up), but you need to extricate yourself from this sick situation and start living your own life.

    I really cannot believe that anyone can take your child from you against your will in this day and age. Please seek legal counsel in this matter. No matter how insane your MIL is, you do not have to live in her little sick world. There are many sane people/organisations out there who will be able to help you.

    While it would be wise and mature of you, as ASG suggests, to be sensitive to your SIL's plight, please remember that at the end of the day, her fertility problems are her own to deal with. Beyond any emotional care or support you may choose to offer her, you don't owe her a solution. You certainly don't owe her a child that you have borne.

    I also can't understand why your husband cannot see how ludicrous this situation is and act accordingly. We can make excuses for his mother (she is old, insane, lives in her own world, is from a different time, has different cultural mores, etc.) but your husband is surely more in touch with reality and 21st century life. He owes you protection from these deranged people. Make sure he gives it to you. If he won't, you need to find other people who are willing to support you and give you the care and consideration your husband and his family aren't providing (people like your family, friends, professional organisations).

    I hope you are able to have a second child soon, as is your wish and right.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2009
  6. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    hi,
    i have two cousin bhabhis, now the elder one didn't have kids so the ounger one had three, the third was a mistake so they decided to give to the elder one and my elder bhabhi is a gem of a person, now my this other bhabhi who gave the kid to the elder one really tortures her mentally so does the husband of the bhabhi, both the elder bhabhi and my cousin bro are really nice but his younger bro and wife are really nasty now every weekend the girl has to go her real mums house to stay and my elder bhabhi gets a lot of taunts from the bhabhi who gave her the kid and her husband and she tells my mum that it was huge mistake to adopt the younger ones kid they are acting as if they have done a good thing for us.
    so my suggetion please do not go for a second kid and ruin your health, ignore them.
    love
    alpa:cheers
     
  7. joytoworld76

    joytoworld76 New IL'ite

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    alpha & anusuya thank you.anusuya i am in US for short time..i live in india with them....my hubby is too good & supports me.He says only solution is not to go for one more kid.i feel very sorry for my kid....i cannot accept it...just beacuse of them i cannot do justice to my kid....but even if i struggle & say i will not give you the kid...it will break up relationship around.... living next door they will interfere a lot in the upbringing including my MIL....i have to struggle my whole life juggling..till the kids are old enough to understand....

    i dont know why god put me in such situation....i always helped others & never hurt anyone ..but i not so big hearted to give away my kid.....i dont have time to think also i am already 33..please help me to take right decision so that i dont regret later......
     
  8. Ruhaanee

    Ruhaanee Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ,

    I feel very sorry for you, having such MIL/SILs is so depressing.

    I can think of only one way out, why don't you go for a adoption of the second child. I don't think your SIL will be interested in taking the adopted child from you.
    You can give you in laws a lie saying that you cannot have another child.
    Of course your DH has to be extremely supportive in this.

    Just giving a suggesstion, hope you don't feel offended.

    Be strong!!! Nobody can ever take your child away, you have to be strong and dont be depressed, you will definitely find a way out.


    Rgds,
     
  9. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    If the concern here is ONLY having a sibling for your baby.. how about adopting one yourself ??

    I feel that could save much of your time.. since your husband is already warning you about not being supportive if his mommy or sister ask for your kid. Which means you will be left alone to fight the battle. I gather from your post that you arent bold enough to fight anyone.. forget MILs and SILs.. So, the best way to peace is adopt a baby yourself. It is a noble thing. You give a life to a homeless child, your kid has a sibling forever, your SIL or MIL cannot come up with give-away your baby tantrums for they can adopt a life too !

    A friend of mine was told by her MIL to not get a hysterectomy done because her second son has some fertility issues ! She didnt allow her to go for the surgery when she had a c-sec of her second baby. She was so shocked when she learnt it ! But now stood up for herself and is getting her surgery scheduled in this year.

    It is absurd when some people think all they need is a blood related baby and care less of adoption instead ! Your MIL and SIL make no meaning to me.. If you decided to do that, is upto you ! But forcing it out of you is stupidity !! If I were in your SIL's shoes.. I would rather adopt and save my respect amongst siblings than go about asking for their kids.. Why is it so hard to love a homeless child !! A child is a child after all !! Poor Kids..
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2009
  10. joytoworld76

    joytoworld76 New IL'ite

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    Preete,

    Thanks for the input.Before we got married ,me & my husband thought we will never have children & will adopt as lots of homeless children are there & India is already overpopulated...we never wanted grand marriage...But it never happens in real life....we were emotionaly blackmailed:rant...u have FIL\MIL ..society whom we have to answer...we had grand marriage & biological child too..probably in my daughters generation things will change as we parents will be broad minded....MIL did not allow SIL to adopt....she says help homeless but no adpotion....she will never agree & make a big drama about it.....
    we dont leave in nuclear family to lead life as we want...probably if we live in US permanently we can take that decision....please dont say i am not bold enough..its just that i am depressed currently.....feeling stuck.. but otherwise i have lot of courage & dealing with MIL\SIL around from 5 years...Preete nothing will change till we have truly educated society..we are transition generation i guess......
     

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