1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Mil's Words Affecting My Dh And My Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blindpup10, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    If every couple follow this then this world would be so peaceful!
     
    EightKittens and Amica like this.
  2. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,403
    Likes Received:
    2,635
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    1. it’s not his parents house.

    2. He isn’t tolerating anything! It’s the wife who needs to decide if she wants to tolerate it or not. Or does he get to decide what she needs to tolerate???

    3. if he cannot stop their visits, he needs to absolutely stand up for the wife and make sure she is not treated like crap in her own house! No other way out! And same rules for everyone. If DWs parents behave like this with him, they are also not welcome in the house!

    and wow, do you think any husband who listens to wife is “meeky” no matter what the wife is saying? If a woman is willing to walk out when the husband “tolerates” so much disrespect towards her, and the husband finally sorts it out (one way or the other) because he is AFRAID of her leaving, SO BE IT !!
     
  3. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    99
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    @tulipzz
    I did not say its his parents house, I meant "its his parents", and "its his house" - punctuation mistake, corrected it.
    The wife needs to stand up for herself, if she expects the hubby to stand up then its good if he does or disappointment if he does not. Better to stand up for ourself if ILs are bad, rather than expect the hubby to stand up.
    I have one question for you - lets say the wife says "your parents are not to visit here because of ...." and the hubby says "No, they will visit....and kids are my kids too....." What is the next step? Can you force the hubby or will she take a step to do what SHE needs to do to save her sanity from ILs. I guess thats the answer I am driving at. Depending on ourselves to stand up is better than depending on hubby. We can only control our actions, cannot control or change another person or what they have control over.
    IF the hubby agrees or falls in line with what DW has communicated then well and good. If not, there has to be another plan.
     
  4. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,403
    Likes Received:
    2,635
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    She needs to say “if you want your parents to visit, YOU must make sure they behave. If they cannot behave, they cannot come!”

    When wife tries to stand up for herself, ANYTHING she says or does will be magnified 100x and fed to the loyal son as fodder against his wife. It will cause bigger issues. He will be mad at her for “disrespecting” his parents. With the encouragement of his parents, he might even start being really rude to wife’s parents for no reason. Trust me, Indian men have very little tolerance for disrespect towards their parents. Very little. They can have a LOT more tolerance for crap against the wife!! I would never encourage anyone to take inlaws head on. They will all gang up (including DH) and the wife will end up fighting a long lonely battle spoiling peace at home!!

    Best solution is to reduce communication with inlaws significantly until they behave and put he husband in the middle to sort out any nasty behaviour. That way, you present a united front to inlaws. It will make MIL think twice next time. Also, no fights between the couple because the man isn’t instinctively fighting against disrespect towards his parents.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
    Minion and blindpup10 like this.
  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    537
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    My friends son recently got married. Before he proposed, he had a discussion about relationship in front of his girlfriend and his mother. He expressed very clearly, that he loves both and he doesn't want either of them to put him in the middle. If they have differences, they would have to find a way to resolve the issues. This gave a good start for MIL and DIL to get along.

    At times she confides the difficulty with DIL to her son. He tells her how she should handle the situation. He doesn't divulge what his mother told him to his wife. He must be talking to his wife without mentioning his mom because MIL feels after the talk with her son, the situation does improve. At the same time she does take her son's advice to heart.

    Just in 6 months MIL and DIL have developed a closer relationship. MIL lives with her son and DIL wants her to be with them.
     
    ragzz likes this.
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,938
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @blindpup10,

    I dont think this is a big issue. I urge you not to make this one incident a big issue either. I read your post carefully. Looks like lot of chaos complicated your mils stay. Even you said it's a reason why you didnt do this or that in response to your MIL's behavior, right? Though you yourself know her nature, because her visit was unplanned and the flooring chaos was ongoing you couldn't anticipate or take preemptive steps or firm action when she did and said outrageous things right?

    Maybe same thing happened with your husband also. Give him the same benefit of the doubt. What really stood out to me is minute your mil said dont wash the plate he came and told you. That shows he was also somewhat stunned by what she said. He knew it was wrong, but in that moment he didnt know what to do. So next best thing he told you privately. Please give him benefit of the doubt. He does have a bond with you, that's why he told you instead of just leaving it there for you to find.

    So I disagree w conclusions that he is mamma's boy, unthinking, unfeeling etc. Maybe once upon a time he was like that, but he's changed now. Sometimes our loved ones do unexpected things or outrageous things and we are like 'whaaat?' but unable to react. I think he's very close to both of you, one is mother and one is wife. Both are dear. That's why he did what he did.

    I suggest you let this one incident go, and be normal with him. Behave like one family unit which you are. In later years it may even become a point to joke about.

    You should think about this visit and answer following questions honestly. Did he agree w her when she blamed you about flooring or no guests, or try to explain and then keep quiet? Did he look confused/protest initially or actively encourage his mom when she did all those things to exclude you? did he support her when she gave kid too many sweets/screentime or protest first then let it go because she insisted? Each of your points which you had listed in bold, what did he actually say and do? What were his reactions? Do you agree with those or disagree? From this analysis you clarify your thoughts and then draw your conclusions. Dont simply lump everything together with the past incidents since marriage beginning and decide it's no use, he's not changed, and despair.

    Once the dust from the flooring and her visit settles, have a reasonable, somewhat humorous, calm conversation with him, 'Hey, what happened back there? did that stuff really happen?' Compare notes, speak openly and decide tog what's okay, tolerable and what's not. It's essential you both be on the same page about her future visits.
     
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2020
    blindpup10, sokanasanah and Topaz49 like this.
  7. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    91
    Likes Received:
    99
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    And what if he says "Well, I cannot always control what they say, but I will not stop their visit". Is the wife going to stand guard at the door and not allow them? Its simply not practical to stop their visit, if hubby refuses to stop their visit. That fight can go on and on and in the meantime the ILs will visit. I still think -unless the hubby is fully in-sync with the wife on this - this wont work unilaterally.
    Ok, let's leave it at we may not quite agree on the mechanics here.
     
    Topaz49 likes this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Is your friend saying this to you? My MIL also tells whoever cares listen that my DIL wants me to be with her and help with the kids. She’s very lonely in America what with my son being so busy. She’s telling me to get a green card every time she calls. I always politely nod and say “Yes Aunty, this mummy isn’t coming with me. Kya Kare”. To which the Aunty’s say “Janaki, you are so lucky. Who gets such DILs these days! You don’t ever go. Poor thing, Lakshmi is calling you for so long!” MIL is happy that aunties are now upset that their DIL’s aren’t doing all that. I'm sure they go out and tell people “Janaki’s DIL wants her to go. She’s just like her own mom”.....
    I don’t blame the aunties. For the longest time I believed in it. But now everyone here knows the true story.
     
    EightKittens likes this.
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,682
    Likes Received:
    11,157
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    You are right.

    This is also correct.

    In the OP’s case though, with these short trips to the US for a couple of months - who has the energy to do all the standing up and making the spouse who doesn’t want to stand up. All these things take too much of mental masala.

    The guy probably was a deer caught in the headlights last time around but hopefully will do the dishes when mom visits next time.

    All these things that my MIL did, the only thing that came about is that I completely stopped doing everything that I had done for years. I don’t even stay over for more than a night. Ultimately if they don’t show courtesy and respect to the DILs, they are the ones losing out. I would go and find rare jewelry to buy or curated sarees etc etc. Chappals se leke undies tak everything I would take. Now, I just do what I have to for courtesy sake. Who lost out? Similarly if the OP is constantly pushed, she will create her own boundaries and when she does, there won’t be much the MIL can do.
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  10. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,403
    Likes Received:
    2,635
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Why is it so hard to treat the DIL with the same respect as you treat a neighbour with? Why is it so bloody super hard? Why does the boys mother come with rights to say anything to DIL with zero consequences? This is abuse and it’s not so widely accepted in ANY other relationship. People look down on those who treat maids badly. Maid leaves if you harass her! Why is it perfectly ok for DIL to constantly put up with something or the other?
    If a girl’s mother is constantly saying something to her son-in-law, who do you think should sort this out? Why is this expectation different when it’s the boys mother?

    You don’t go to someone’s house and treat the woman of the house poorly. You will never be welcome into that house again. Where do MILs get this confidence and rights for doing non stop battameezi?

    It’s not a battle of equals. Power is very very badly tipped to the other side. If I’m expected to sort it out myself without involving my husband, I expect him to stay out of it all the time. But trust me, everyone will be watching with a microscope for me to say something rude. That’s it, I’m sure MIL, SIL, FIL will all tell DH and he will start fighting with me. Never mind if MIL said 10x rude stuff to me.
    Putting the husband in the middle worked well for me. Dealing directly with inlaws works only if the husband has the same love and respect for both parties, and can call a spade a spade.
     
    Minion, blindpup10, Amica and 3 others like this.

Share This Page