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Our Old Age Home

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Agatha83, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Agatha,
    very well written.But change is the unchangeable thing in the society.There is no use of shedding tears for the present state of affairs for which we also were responsible in some way or the other.I have seen the positives and negatives of joint family system.We could not experience the warmth of motherhood and my parents could not even feel happy when I got even University rank.Her only desire was to have a room of her own in which she could relax on the palloo of her saree.This simple desire was unrealisable throughout her life. Joint family system had its own short comings without giving any space to juniors to make decisions. It was a type of slavery. Fortunate were the people who came out and started living and they had freedom, though with financial constraints. They became responsible also.Any change in the society has its own merits and demerits.
    My mother very often said,'water will flow from a higher plane to a lower level and the reverse will never happen.The affection shown by a mother to her kids would never come back to her in the same format. When couched in the sense of duty,it has a different dimension.All parents these days ,more than children, need space of their own and they may not like to live with their children unless out of compulsion.There are many old age homes with reasonable care.It is better to live in a community than to be left alone in an apartment.Whether one likes or not, there is absolute necessity to opt for homes especially when one of the partners is left alone.We cannot blame children too. They are abroad, have their family of our own.They can neither come here nor take the parents especially when the parents are sick and cannot withstand the trip.The society will adjust itself accordingly.Within a matter of few years many of us above 70 or 80 might be living in old age homes and may even start accepting it wholeheartedly.
    jayasala42
     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:My MIT batch mate for the past ten years staying in Brindhavan at COIMBATORE reports that he with his spouse are a happy lot. South Indian Brahmin- Food, medical assistance, recreation, spiritual activities, gym etc are provided all at reasonable cost. He says many of the row houses or cottages booked by NRIs and their parents are staying there.
    Regards.
     
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  3. Agatha83

    Agatha83 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Viswamitra,

    It’s impossible to get back to those days where human values, relations and morals mattered more than the financial aspects of an individual. Even a smallest fight between a couple was immediately mediated by some uncle or aunt and the problem was resolved. There was no need for counseling, since free counseling was at hand by the seniors at home.
    Times have changed now and senior citizens are given the least importance or respect. Unlike the Western countries where you have the backing of a solid social security system, here we don’t have any backing from the Government or the society.
    Old people have internet, smart phones through which they can access the entire world. but I found in reality that many old people, long for a human touch of love and affection and some comforting words of compassion, things which doesn’t cost a penny!

    Agatha83
     
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  4. Agatha83

    Agatha83 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @jayasala42,

    I absolutely concur with you on the negative points you have mentioned here regarding the joint family system. Since I was young, with a working mother, neither of us felt the discomfort due to the presence of too many family members in the house.
    Here I am talking about the children who shut their doors for their parents, driving them out in the middle of night, from their own houses. Not many want to take action against their children because of the blind love they have for their sons or daughters.
    The best retirement community or old age home have a long list of waiting, of people who want to avail of the facilities. With limited number of retirement homes, even those with best financial back up cannot be sure of getting into one. But those old age homes cramped with 200 members, is like living life in a hell.

    Agatha83
     
  5. Agatha83

    Agatha83 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Thyagarajan,

    Thank you for your valuable feedback. For the present we have shifted to a small house, because the previous house was getting ready for demolition and hence the emergency search for a house. Shifting houses given our age is not a joke and it put us into a great deal of trauma.

    In the long run we have to make some permanent arrangements for our future. So will be on the look out for some good retirement homes in due course. For the present let me take a breather!

    Agatha83
     
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  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Thank you for watching circumstances which lead you to move to a smaller place one third of your previous living area. Small is good in terms of compact arrangements, easy to maintain less of hassles like maintenance electricity plumbing etc as in an independent house. I wish I could have given a lengthy feedback. Shall revisit when time permits
    2. My friend - my engineering classmate - family friend for over fifty years, is happy about his stay at retirement home in COIMBATORE. As and when need a hovel in retirement home, i could get you more details. Until then,
    With best wishes,
    VT.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2020
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh yes! Living with ILs after marriage for 8 years often had me wondering whether movies mimicked real life or vice versa. Not a nice experience at all.

    When one mulls over the options available to us as members of society - live under one roof, squabbles et al, loss of identity for many, suppressed, unexpressed unhappiness (of course, kids are the ones who enjoy the most) as opposed to nuclear families, or the current situation where the 'family' is in name only, each member being a family in himself or herself - it seems nothing less than a Shakespearean tragedy. Sad reality is that warmth, affection and togetherness are lacking even within a nuclear family. The 'home' has now turned into a kind of shared serviced apartment.

    I remember one 'home' which I had checked out before I found the place where my mom spent the last year of her life. I cannot forget one lady with dementia who kept demanding bread to eat (whereas that place had very strict rules on what could be given to the inmates and what not - home food was not allowed). She was kept in one room and they had kept the room locked as she tended to run out. It absolutely broke my heart to see that. I was told I could visit everyday but only for 5 minutes "as they wanted to avoid the home-sickness and wanting to go home" syndrome. My heart hurts even now as I write this and think of how I was left with no choice but to leave mom in the other home which thank God was so much more humane. I was able to spend hours with her and the atmosphere was as good as it was possible for any organization to make it. Of course, it could never be 'home'. Like you say, many places are too expensive and even retirement homes refuse to accept inmates who need to be 'looked after'.

    Sad reality of life.

    Having never personally come across this kind of a story in real life, I find it really hard to digest such a situation. Just saw a little video 'based on real life' on Facebook last evening. Do such children really exist? I can understand them keeping the parents in retirement homes or separately for whatever reasons, but never turning up or looking them up ..... ?
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2020
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  8. Agatha83

    Agatha83 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @satchitananda,


    Mentally unstable people or people with dementia are not generally accepted in most of the homes. Like the Western countries, we don’t have Hospice care where a bedridden patient would be taken care of under the expertise of medical authorities.
    Since no outsider is allowed into a mental asylum, we don’t know how the inmates are treated there. In India nothing is transparent and as I left many old age homes with a tinge of suspicion, I felt many old age homes are not trustworthy.
    As a child I enjoyed the presence of loving people around me, in spite of the frequent spats between them. As you have rightly said nuclear families now look like service apartments, each to their own..
    Though I have not met anybody personally who had been left on the roads, the talk shows prove otherwise, in which their narration is shocking! How can children be so ruthless?

    Agatha83
     
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  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    All I can hope is that such news is fake news. We live on hope.
     
  10. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Agatha,

    need I say more about your writing than what others have said. You made me laugh and cry at the same time. First things first though - with this
    kind of description you have given, don't be surprised if you hear a knock on your door. It is our ability to see the beauty and joy around us that will make a house a home - old age or not.

    You know having lost my parents and in-laws fairly young (my MIL especially), my husband and I often find our selves sighing with a "if only..." Of course many of friends used put me in my place when I reminisce about my in laws (my FIL) with a "Oh you adore them because you are so far away". May be some truth to that. I have been fortunate in more than one way when it comes to relationships and support system - whether providing or getting help.

    After reading all that you have written and hearing all the stories - the missing link I feel is the sense of love or duty or doing the right thing - across. I do have many a friend here whose parents are across the street or in a old age home but the bottom line of interaction is a gentle sense of affection, need not be profound love you know - seen that with people who work in these places too. Currently many of friends are going through the agony of seeing their parents suffer - the helplessness i see in my friends also tugs at my heart :-(

    Change always happens and hopefully a change for better happens sooner. Meanwhile enjoy your nest with all the chemistry that is there, not to forget the lovely sounds. Thank you for this write up.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2020
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