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How To Stop Telling Him Everything!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Laks09, Dec 19, 2019.

  1. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Why don’t you start grading the issue at hand on a scale of 1 to 4 with 1 being not so critical to 4 being highly critical? In my case, anything over 2 needs to be shared with the spouse/ partner , specially if it pertains to kids.
     
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    :roflmao::roflmao:So true! I won't be me if I'm not doing what I'm doing.

    So this! When everything is going on smooth I'm still able to manage my resolve.

    I'm not sure this happens much around here!

    This. I have tried and internalized this a lot but there are lots of ways I can figure this out better. I feel like I offload on a few people and move on. I have to learn to deal with it a little better rather than talking about it a lot.
     
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  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:But then - only time, place & his mood status would determine and define the “necessary information” that you had saved to “blabber” to him. It also entails his receptivity.

    2. It may not be wise to part with a commentary on all proceedings of the day to spouse the moment he returned from tiresome office work. Some might boomerang at a later undesirable moment perhaps in wrong time, wrong place and with of course wrong people perhaps. One should not choose Dinner time to disclose or utter anything that would lead to controversies affecting health peace of mind and perhaps digestion!

    3. Guarded approach is needed I suppose. Some times spouse tonal quality determines how much he had actually listened or heard! It should commence and conclude in right moment. JIT method PERHAPS help the situation. Spouse might stop you in mid sentence leading to embarrassment.

    4. Just for heck of it, I though the reverse of the situation. That is He blabbering to spouse as soon as he returned from outdoor or office.

    5. I am known for blabber and many times before I finish she knows what I would convey. Is it intuition only in women? But I try to be voluble!

    6. I used to be guarded and decide the quantum that is to be conveyed to spouse in camera or otherwise. I need to talk to her in a hush sometimes only by gesture to make her receptive. I might even avoid telling information to spouse in presence of HER MIL & FIL & children or any guest.

    7. Interesting thread to deliberate on behalf of both genders. I suppose you would agree if I state that both can blabber ad nauseam to each at times or all the time but always with caution so that lose statements does not turn into acrimonious volatile bickerings.

    Thanks and Regards.

    God likes voluble devotees.
     
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think this is the general consensus. I think I do the processing as I talk and come up with scenarios in the conversation. Must be hard to decipher all of it especially over the phone.
     
  5. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

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    Being transparent in relationships is good. If your husband is getting upset over whatever you are saying and making himself unhappy then you can try to slow down the information. Maybe if whatever you are conveying in a short few hours of a day, you can spread it out over few days.

    Time is the healer for many. You tend to forget things as time goes by. Maybe focus on the priorities which are to be shared immediately and tell him when he comes back. After that, over the course of days let him know the rest. By that time he would have processed the previous information and you too would have gotten some relief. You are an amazing mum and wife!

    Good luck.
     
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  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    He’s mostly away from the home and all these conversations happen over the phone.

    I’m going to try hard to do this.

    Yes, with his hectic travel schedule and bare minimum time at home neither of us get any down time unless we make it a priority. I make it a priority and get out by hiring sitters but my DH says he feels guilty not being around and tries to cram it all in two days. I’ll see what I can do given that the little guy is all over him when he gets back.

    We don’t have this problem. He tells me everything as well! It’s just that I don’t get worked up over what goes on at his work or with his friends but when he isn’t around and the kid is struggling he feels powerless.

    He loves all that and actively participates. Even when I’m on the phone with my bestie, he has to pass some comments from the sidelines when he happens to walk by. I was thinking maybe I should do more of the mindless chatter instead of the heavy talking for a few weeks!



    Lavani - Thanks for the tip. Unfortunately, even when I was running close to 25 miles and attending three yoga sessions a week, I was the same person. I think it calms me and is a great outlet. I need to get back to that level of fitness. Maybe some day not too far away!
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is a great tip! I like this. I’m going to actively follow this. With the little guy though, everything is a 4, good and bad!
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dinner time convos are usually movies or books around here. Safe. These days it’s mostly our DD who is my exact replica when it comes to talking going on and on about happenings of the day. She’ll even tell us, wait, my story is not over yet. Listen to the end!

    With so many different algorithms to go through I sometimes think that it’s better I go and he stays and watches kids. Then I don’t have to worry about how, when, how much etc.

    Same here. I hear everything. The difference is I barely have time to ruminate over it. Im ok because it’s not directly related to me or anything I can do.

    With caution is the key! And it does apply to both genders. I just used wives giving husbands the run down because that’s the norm in many homes.
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think this is what I should do. Instead of relaying real time, I should let it sink, process it, prioritize based on @singhmanisha’s scale and then give the summary in a delayed fashion. By then, it wouldn’t be so big as it seems. I used to not have him as involved while raising my DD, I was able to decide myself and then inform him. With the little guy it’s hard. I often don’t know what to do, have to ask therapists, work with the kid and therapist and then come up with a solution. I guess I’m saying things to maybe get some reassurance because even I’m not sure what is right and not in his case. I think it isn’t fair to expect that from him because even he has no clue. We are both learning as we go here.
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Some people do have long memories. My DH and I will drop it there though. We don’t carry it forward. It’s the strain of child rearing in a country where we are alone and one of us is extremely busy and rarely home. I guess I have to learn to think before I blabber. I never had to all these years and never learned to control sharing my thoughts with him.
     
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