Don’t Want To Go Back...fight With Hubby

I beg to differ. Some of us have perfect* lives.
It happens after you put up with a lot of hassles, manage the misery by recasting it as something else, find ways to have secret schemes to be privately happy, and get economic security. And then it is just peachy all the way.

*I had not experienced anika987's kind of thrill, beauty, and friendships in India (see post quoted below) ever...

It appears that you are like a prisoner in USA. And get paroled each year in India. Sad life. Stay in India, and have your husband do conjugal visits now and then, whenever possible. It is not unusual for desi men to go away, live in a foreign country, to make a living, while the wife and kids stay in India so that the children can go to appropriate schools, have interactions with the extended family, celebrate festivals, learn dance & music, and learn the other aspects of culture.
When you live in the USA you spend long hours at home, while your husband is at work, or commuting to/from it. And you see him during daytime, a few hours during each weekend. If you combine all those contact hours, they'd simply amount to a holiday in India with you. It should work out just fine; many blue collar workers in the middle east do just that. Having a local wife is more of hassle than a benefit.
You are happy in India; he is happy in USA. A win-win situation. Go for it. But pick up the phone and talk to him about the details, and planning.

 

How about spending some more good time and going back by discussing with your DH?

 

Hi Anika,
What about your hubby? When he is thinking about the financial security and future of the family , you seem to be thinking little selfish.
This has to be a well thought and discussed decision with him and not picking his calls is unfair.
Instead of worrying about the friends and extended family, please concentrate on your own family.

 

Anika987, I remember reading many of your posts on boring life in US.
Simply for the social circle reason and boring life in US, leaving you husband alone there to work and you staying in India will not be good on a long run in married life. People in 40s, getting a good job in US is not that easy nowadays due to Visa issues and changing policies. Pushing a sole bread winner to leave a good paying job for a reason "I feel bored in US" is highly selfish and immature.
If I were in your husband shoes, I would ask anika to find a job in india and bring a significant amount of salary to cover up the financial obligations.

 

N some of us here would probably wish your kind of hassle free life, hubby, financial security, family a US visa, a good job...but unfortunately thats not the case and we deal with divorces, alimony, isolation from family...so just thank god that you have so much and more....u cant b more blessed....eventually there will b a time when you can stay back in India and live that lazy life u so wish for. Build ur finances till then.

 

Dear Anika, I understand ...definitely its not easy to leave behind your world to join husbands work location in distant countries. But there is also happiness in starting life with husband and then kids and new goals - that's the main thing missing for u .Me and husband are staying away from families due to job, but we are happy to spend time with each other , and due to home/work stuff I don't even have much time to give my single girl-friends although I care for them a lot .Now your newly married life focus on developing strong bond with husband that's the key. Life always put us in unfamiliar locations and new challenges- we just have to adapt to it in positive way.

Your inlaws are complaining that u are leaving him alone and visiting India every year but he cannot visit his country/parents maybe due to job/financial issues. Just imagine in such a situation, you avoid picking up his calls or refuse to go back- how much unsympathetic that is. .Today you are feeling good in India due to socializing with friends, restaurants and dancing- on your short trips everyone will love to meet u.But if u stay here permanently, no one will give so much time for outings, all will be busy in their own family life this is the truth.

Of-course location of living should be mutual decision. Take decision as per your financial situation,kids education and try if u too can get a good job here. .But you should always give emotional support to each other and try to be together always.

 

Life is not just about money/job/visa , and also one cannot be expected to accept everything just by comparing with divorce/alimony. There is much more emotional aspects to life that's important so we should not dismiss someone's feelings.It seems there might be emotion-related issues that's the key to her feelings.

 

Emotional aspects wont put food on a plate or provide u shelter when its need of the hour. So called relatives, friends and family will all be around to feed that emotional emptiness till there is no financial burden on them. Emotional wellness is a luxury if all other aspects - well paid job, financial security, parents and family is covered.

 

There are many single mothers out there who work 2-3 jobs a day to support their children. They keep aside all their emotions and pain masked to smile and are just happy to see their kids happy, their needs satisfied end of the day. Behind that masked smile is their pain n fear of retaining their jobs future of their children. If you ask what emotional wellness would mean to them, they would say just give them one day so they can have a peaceful sleep without any responsibility running in their head.

 

Valuing spouse as mainly a financial provider is not ethical - or viewing marriage as just a financial arrangement primarily is not good.I cannot support this view. Marriage is a sacred bond of friendship and family and should be judged on aspects other than finance as primary aspect.

Here the issue is not that Anika wants to divorce, she has some emotion- related problems in her marriage or locality which needs to be solved.We cant tell her to accept everything happily because of good money/job/visa or just because some women are divorced/facing problem with alimony .Her specific problem has nothing to do with that.
What problems faced by single mothers , definitely not discounting that at all- I respect those women immensely for their strength and courage.But I feel that those things are not applicable in this context at all.