In Laws Moving In

Welcome back op.

Op...why has a working woman in a first world country landed herself in a situation where her opinion is not even asked before such major decisions are taken.

Why are you the only one responsible for keeping peace for the sake of your son ?
Why always you?
He has two parents.

Peace is not the only criteria for good parenthood.
He is watching his father take decisions that do not take care of his mothers happiness. He is watching his mother accept her fate without voicing her opinion .He watches his grandparents making his mother uncomfortable in her own home.
He is watching and learning.

If you can't stop them from coming ....atleast fight for some space for yourself. Fight for ground rules that will not be broken. Lay down rules regarding what all he will do for his parents.

He can't take away your peace for life in return for the 4 days he spent with your very sick father. He owed you that and more for taking crap from his parents all these years.

Does he have siblings?
Can they spend some months at their place and give you some breathing space?

 

i am a newbee. this sounds very silly, but there will be lot of gas lighting to make your severely anxious. have you thought about that on how to handle.

 

Welcome back, Anamika. I am very sorry for your loss and what you are going to have to endure. I used to shudder reading your posts and it looks like the disrespect towards you continues. You might want to line up a therapist to help you cope and give you some strategies to deal with the emerging family situation.

 

I just read some of your old posts and my reaction is the same as malstorm - I shudder at what you've gone through. Your adjusting nature and repeated attempts to do more and more for them - has not received any reciprocation.
I am so to sorry to say this - but your nature has only been taken advantage of and manipulated to do more.

I hope you will be able to muster the strength to confront in a polite and confident way - when the situation warrants it. And given how much efforts you have been able to put in to "meet" their requirements and demands - I think the strength does lie inside of you - you just need to bring it out - for the right reasons and a new way, that is more loving towards yourself.

I would also recommend a therapist to have a reliable and consistent outlet to discuss your situation and handle your anxiety. And I hope your husband will not stand in the way for you to get this support from a therapist. And instead looks at the situation as something truly out-of-the-ordinary and maybe invoke him to realize his wife needs more support from him.

 

@Anamika99, my condolences on the loss of your father.

I read your post, then skimmed through your old threads and was speechless for a while.

A few things jumped out at me: Your ILs don't give a toss about your DH. They sound like stereotypical narcissists to me. Think about it for a minute. Do loving parents do all in their power to ensure their adult son's happiness? or do they make demands on him that could destroy his marriage and stress him out? Your ILs don't seem to care about anyone other than themselves.

Your DH is caught between a rock and a hard place. He has spent a lifetime appeasing his parents; he's not going to change without a strong impetus. Like a lot of children raised by such parents, he simply gives in to them. He makes you follow his agenda by simple manipulation — he brings up the sad story of his stressful work life or, if that fails, he goes for silent treatment.

These are their family dynamics and their behavior patterns. You are not responsible for them and it's not your job to fix them.

What's your job? 1) To look after yourself. 2) To provide a healthy environment for your DS.

Giving in to your DH's emotional blackmail for over two decades was a mistake. You can't change the past but the future is entirely in your hands.

There's no reason for you to give up anything for your hostile ILs. Separation/divorce would cost you your marriage, your son's security, your home, the life you've built — and would make your ILs ecstatic. Don't go there.

Your IL's behavior surrounding your father's illness and death should serve as a wake-up call for your DH. If it doesn't, let him know that it has been a wake-up call for you. Do not do any seva for them this time around. Be civil. Do the bare minimum hostessing. Do not be pleasant or welcoming. If DH asks you to do something for them that you don't want to, say "No" and walk away. No excuses, no arguments, no need to relive past traumas. Don't succumb to his tears or silence. It's just manipulation. Let go of household chores; enjoy time with your son. Go out, hang out with your friends. Take your son out for movies, dinners, quality time.

Your DH will soon figure out that his parents have crossed a line and he cannot manipulate you into bending over any more.

But this can happen only if you draw that line. It won't be easy but you have no choice now. Any time you're about to cave, ask yourself if you're capable of enduring their BS for the next several years. Full time. No 6 month break. Think of your future and resolve to put yourself and your son ahead of your MIL.

Be strong, Anamika. It won't be for long. Narcissists look after themselves first. If they're not able to bully you, they'll find another victim.

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I agree with this advice in principle but it is going to be very difficult to practice. OP will be guilt-tripped into putting the in-laws needs first. The DH has been observing his parents' behavior for years and nothing has changed. If he cared he would have consulted the OP before making plans to permanently bring them here, despite knowing her feelings.