Conflict Management Of Fil/dil .

@sln
'I know a gentleman 70+ who gave away the entire retirement benefit to his son'
Late Ms. CR Satyabama former Headmistress of a leading school in Mylapore (Chennai) donated her entire retirement benefits to the school.

 

If roles oscillate depending on the situation, it becomes like people deciding impromptu whether to drive on the left or right side of the road.

A well-defined hierarchy is needed for the smooth running of the household without daily misinterpretations of who is in-charge of the kitchen, the servant-maid, the menu, the drawing room, and the many decisions that running a household involves.

Joint-families run well when they follow a clear hierarchy. One is the MIL and FIL in charge of the household. The MIL running the kitchen, deciding who does what when, with all having a say, but the final say and responsibility being hers. Quite a few younger women don't mind this if they get some benefit in return. The FIL decides what to do with the salaries of the sons and how the money gets spent. This often works in business households until the business itself gets divided.

The other hierarchy that seems to work is that the kitchen and the household are explicitly handed over to the younger couple. The older couple are living with the younger one. The MIL gets the freedom to not be the primary one responsible for the running of the kitchen and household. There are some MIL's who are more than happy to be out of the nitty-gritty of running the household. They happily and without any passive-aggressiveness involved hand over the reins of the household to the DIL. Both parties benefit. Younger couple get the luxury of another pair of adults at home, and older couple gets to live in a well-run household.

It is quite possible to live with grown children or parents while retaining one's independence. If frank discussion of the arrangement is not taboo. Unfortunately, our Indian sentiment and values do not encourage frank discussion on such matters. The inability to ask elders some straight questions, and the inability to set some boundaries for them, and the difficulty of enforcing those rules make it difficult for all to live and retain their independence.

A beautiful arrangement. If only it was more the default. If only women did not have to fight for decades of their married life for such living arrangement. If only older parents themselves voluntarily went for such arrangement instead of insisting on their right to live in the pockets of the young couple from day one of their marriage.

If the morning after her wedding night the woman does not have to enter a kitchen that is not hers, that she has to share, and if she gets some basic privacy like no one other than husband gets to know her monthly dates, if she and husband can talk at the dinner table freely .... If she gets such basic stuff in the early days, months and few years marriage, then, it has been my observation and experience that the average Indian woman will bend over backwards and even nag husband to take better care of his parents in the later years.

Like I said in my previous post, if the younger couple gets to live by themselves in the first few years of marriage with minimal interference from elders, the chances of a "joint" happily-ever-after become exponential.

But, how can things be so simple. We have made tons of progress in all spheres of life, but the Indian man's parents living with him as a default for all his life remains the default.

The older couple can live with the younger one and be of some help in the household such as FIL walking the child to school or MIL/FIL being around at home in the afternoon. It can be an understanding between them. But, the FIL should not use his help as a reason to boss around the DIL. What we often see is that the MIL/FIL are doing a favor to the DIL by looking after the grandchild. As if the DIL brought that child with her when she entered the household and the son had no part in creating the child.

There are written and unwritten rules to follow in a neighborhood. Often there is a housing society in-charge and elections. Just like neighbors need some rules for living together, a household needs some agreed upon conditions that the people, especially the DIL, can take for granted and not have to fight morning and evening after a long day.

But again, how can that be allowed in our Indian system! Can the younger couple easily tell the older couple, "Mom, Dad, this year we are spending the day after Diwali with her parents." Will the older couple send off such a brave couple with a happy face? That is why we need hierarchy and well-defined boundaries and some independence that can be taken for granted. Such as the younger couple should not hesitate to spend festival days equally with the woman's parents.

The very term "conflict management" is taken from organization management literature. Why shouldn't we adopt more of organizational concepts into a household that needs to be run like an organization.

 

Thank you Sir. The decoding is a result of reading and posting in our own IL's Relationship forum for 10+ years now and reading the sometimes gut-wrenching posts that women post. Posts that time and again remind many women like me just how lucky we got w.r.t husband and in-laws.

That simple reply is a truism at best.

No. Only understanding or acknowledging that people are creatures of emotions will not help in dealing with this issue. Creatures of emotion living together willy-nilly is the cause of conflicts. Taking steps to take care of the fact that we are creatures of emotion will help. The first step being that the man and woman get some years together to build a bond with less interference from both sets of parents in person and by skype/phone. Second and parallel step being that the man's parents do not get default right or first dibs to live with the couple.