1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    537
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Getting out of this marriage is the easiest, in spite of the hurdles and the society will accept as time goes by.

    Fighting all the time isn’t easy; because it causes enormous stress and may end up in breaking your marriage.

    You wrote, “How can I make him understand that I also need to socialize and there is no harm to go on other people's functions?” You also wrote, “he was not like this before.”

    Root causing can be very helpful. What changed? How it changed? How can you bring his old self back? Was this a love marriage and what attracted you to him?

    Your situation is very delicate, especially, if you want to continue to be in this marriage. You need to find out what makes your DH happy and during those moments, can you have a hearty conversation?

    Improve and increase your communication with him. Just a thought - How about writing a heart warming letter and mailing it to him? It is easier to put your thoughts on a paper than talking. It also gives time to think and write carefully. A friend of mine had problems with her grown up son and I suggested to write a letter and mail it to him. She thought it was funny as they live in the same house. I also had told her never to ask him about the letter. She said that her son never mentioned anything about her letter, but after a week things started changing. Do you think, it is worth a shot?

    Aditi, you work and how would he react if you plan the trip, spend your money and take him out? You can always tell him that you don’t want him to be the one to do everything and you want to do something “for us”.

    What caught my eye was that you wrote “His mother and I can't get out of that grip anytime in this life”. This suggests that he is controlling towards his mother also. Would it be possible for you to establish relationship with her and support her, in time she will recognize and be on your side? Believe me, it takes effort and time; but, it works.

    As you wrote, he indeed is jealous and paranoid. There should be a way to make him see things from a different angle. Instead of apologizing for looking good, there should be a way to make him recognize that
    (1) working requires you to dress up like other co-workers. Why doesn't he go to work in his pyjamas? women dressing up is totally different than men. Men don't have a whole lot to do when it comes to dressing up (jovial conversations to lighten up the situation than apologizing)
    (2) you dress up at social functions is also very important because you want to make him proud and want others to envy him.
    (3) As for preferring to be single, you are not single, you are married to him and would like to continue to be married to him, grow old and have a happy life.

    Due to his upbringing, he may not know how to have a close relationship. You may need help in this process. Do you love him and really want to save your marriage? Then, at some point you may have to put your foot down and give him an ultimatum – for you to be married to him and continue in this marriage, you want him to come with you to a psychologist for counselling.

    In my view marriage is a work in progress; it is constantly evolving as you cross different levels and it isn’t an easy deal. The times of crisis are the testing times of your marriage.

    Marriage is one of the toughest tests in your life – a test of your character, integrity, patience, sincerity, and the ability to carry responsibility, humility, words of promises, and so on.

    The marriage is like a cart and for it to chug along in the journey, its wheels/partners must move in synchrony. Partners must cultivate bond to develop compassion and selflessness. Marriage is a suffocation without communication. Therefore, counselling might help you to communicate which may be the first step to make him understand and perhaps even get to know that bubbly and positive Aditi all over again.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey girl....
    Its so disturbing to read your problems.
    Be patient and take one step at a time.

    Be yourself
    You don't need anyone's permission to be yourself as long as you know what you are doing.
    Its great if your H understands you and supports your choices. If not, let him criticize.
    You don't have to bend over backward to please your unreasonable H and his mother to pursue your choices after marriage.
    If they are angry or sad or upset with you, let them be.
    It takes time for them to understand you. And you need to make conscious effort to prove yourself right by being right, and not by apologizing.
    Their silence or ignorance should not affect you. Specially your MILs.
    Even if your H tries to stop you from growing/living by emotionally abusing, then you should take this as an opportunity to understand him. Yes, he is a coward jerk, who doesn't know how to keep his wife happy. Yes, he doesn't love you and he doesn't like you to be yourself. Bcz he worries so much about what his mom thinks and how this could affect his mom. His priority is clearly his mom and not you.
    So what?
    Understanding the real problem itself is the first solution.

    Without understanding it, you were wondering as to what went wrong, and how to correct it. That's why you rush to seek their forgiveness and feel very disturbed when they give you silent treatment.

    It is clearly their problem. They need to change and come to you with an apology. Not the other way round.

    Start living as per your choice. Wear make up, chose new cloths, attend to parties etc... And don't expect their approval.
    For now, go by yourself, if he doesn't like to join you.
    Show him that you are very much capable of living independently.

    Take this time to invest on yourself... For career development or education or personal fitness.
    Bcz, there is no point in investing emotionally on this man or the family for now.

    Look, your H will come to you very soon.
    He can't let go of this bubly/happy girl just like that.
    As long as he knows his wife is his doormat, he will take you for granted. Bcz he has no choice for now - his mom is demanding, showing long face and dramas from the other end almost daily. So, its easy to push the weaker end so that the home remains peaceful.
    Poor guy, he doesn't know that he is making his wife another bitter woman in this process, which can ruin rest of his life.

    In fact, you should help him here, by being steady and not by slipping into this bitter depression.

    The more you stand steady and happy and successful despite of their problem, the more they will try to see things from your angle.

    This too shall pass. Cheer up & be independent
     
    Thyagarajan, vaasanthy and radv like this.
  3. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    333
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I have never been a fighter in my short span of life. I have been dominated by my sister from a very early age and thus it become a habit. It was a love marriage. But today I am going to tell a bitter truth which I myself was not considering from so many years and was lying to my own self. My husband is the only man in my life. i am not an attractive looking girl so I have never been proposed by any male person ever. I have a short height and was always criticized by my sister and relatives that this will create issues in my future specially my marriage. I met my husband through facebook and he got attracted to me because of my way of talking and my simple thinking. He proposed me after meeting me once. I , demotivated by life thought that If i would not say yes to this man , I will never get married. and my parents will get worried because of this. I liked his personality ,I liked how he pampered me but 60% reason of my saying yes to him was I didn't want to lose the only man in my life.

    Today when i look back and think about that stupidity, I curse myself of making a lifetime decision in a low confident state. Though my husband has never disappointed me before marriage on my decision, but now I can see him as a man who wants to controls every action of mine. I cant go anywhere on my own, I cant even go to terrece because people from the street will look upwards :(

    My father has brought me up as an independent girl with no such restrictions where he will ask her own daughter to be inside the house because some perverts can't control themselves. He has always taught us to fight and stand against such things. But I am feeling very weak now. I when go to my mom's house, I imagine myself as a happy girl in that premises and when I stepped out of that place , I just loose all the charm, happiness in myself. I am going under depression , I am suffering from severe headaches all the time. I don't know how to talk to my husband regarding this , I have tried in last one year but he not only fights, he broke the things , hit himself, sometimes hit me also. He never keeps the fight in between us within our room.,He will speak loudly, his mom will listen to it and gets the chance to make him bend towards her. Everyone is expecting from me to adjust. I am tired of all this.


    On top of this, my husband wanted to start a family. We went to doctor for a preconception health checkup and there it has been diagnosed that my husbands sperm count is low. Though I am not the one responsible for it but he is taking out his frustration on me , he is saying because you always fight, you dont behave happy in this house thats why this problem has raised. I am afraid If we will not be able to conceive , how i am going to handle everything? All the relatives asks me of the child and not my husband. I am at the verge of giving up on everything. I am just passing my days and not living my life.
     
    Afresh and Thyagarajan like this.
  4. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    333
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    He never comes to me after a fight. Either its my mistake or his, at the end I have to go and sort the things out. He will never comes first to apologize .
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes, it is bcz he doesn't love you. He doesn't care whether you are hurt or sad. He knows that you will come around, begging for apology regardless of whoever is at fault.
    So, he is taking you for granted. Its very clear in all of your posts.
    All he wants is his dear mommy to feel happy and comfortable at the cost of anything, that may include your pain, ruined marriage & happiness.

    First of all, try to understand the issue here. Accept the fact that your husband doesn't love you.
    When the problem is clear, it is easy to find a solution.

    Now all you have to think is... How to win a husband who doesn't love or care for my feelings. ?
    How to win him when he tries to take me for granted.?
    How to handle my emotions when they give me silent treatments?
    How to grow a thick skin and ignore them?
    How to find happiness and purpose in life when a marriage is sinking?

    When you are able win yourself, its easy to put them in places and even to win them later.
     
    Paripoorna, Thyagarajan and vaasanthy like this.
  6. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    2,439
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    @SGBV has succinctly explained it. She has also raised a few questions. My only question to add to this is.....when you try to do or adjust so many things on your side...is he worth it?
     
    vaasanthy likes this.
  7. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    333
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Really difficult to accept that SGBV... I have given 9 years of my love and life to this man

    As afar as your questions are concerned, I am not able to answer any one of them , i am not able to think on these ... these How to's are the ones I am searching the answers for....
     
    Afresh likes this.
  8. Moochi

    Moochi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    @adisum your post made me think of my school days when I used to worry that I was in the shorter girls category too.. Now that I have grown a bit and doing good professionally I've been able to let go of this feeling.

    See what you are explaining is a clear case of a bully that can easily find their target...their mind works like that... You in your insecurities would have made that known in the early days of courtship that you are yearning for sone sort of relationship to make yourself feel worthy in the eyes of your sister and whoever bullied you in childhood... They thrive in this knowledge.


    You have unwittingly gave him so much ammunition to harm you emotionally I doubt if you realise this even now . I'm not chiding you... Just telling you what I could feel from your posts.

    ILites have given you such good advice Follow it. But first you have to come out of this self pity state. You've had it rough.... I know.... But now is the moment to gather courage. These bullies need to be given a shock of their life if at all you want a change...hes doing all this because he knows you'll never leave... Hence he takes you for granted .... You have to shake this belief of his...

    Tell him that it's too much for you to handle and would like to separate ... Go to your mom's place for a whole.... See what he does... But you should do this in a matter of factly way.... So that he really believes you've emotionally checked out.... If he wants this marriage then he will come to you.
     
    Afresh, Anusha2917, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear aditi.....let us first discuss your problem with yourself.

    Dear..the majority of the world is made up of people who are not considered' beautiful' .
    Most people are average looking people who look pretty because of how they take care of themselves,how they behave etc etc.

    Most middleclass girls have the same experience that you had. Most do not have many bfs or guys running after them . A lot of crushes, one or two admirers,one or two bfs is all that most girls experience. Some don't experience this too.
    You have had a normal life.

    You are short because of your ethinicity.
    You live among people who are generally taller so you probably grew up extremely conscious of it.
    Most pahadi girls are short.I have never heard the word ' unattractive ' associated with pahadi girls.
    Pahadi girls are short and cute.Say that to yourself .
    A lot of men like short girls.It makes them feel more masculine.:)

    Next let us discuss your family ..
    Just because you had a love marriage ,do not think you have to hide things from them.
    They are your biggest support system.
    Tell them about your life . Don't ask themto interfere right now....but tell them.
    They will feel terribly hurt if they come to know that their daughter is hiding things from them because of fear of hurting them.
    Once they know,you will feel less lonely .
    You will feel less vulnerable.
    Meet them often.Don't let anyone cut you off from them.

    Once the guy knows that his wife has support from her family,he become more careful about how he treats her.

    If you have good relations with that fighter sister of yours,make her your confidant . Talking to someone about ones problem helps calming the mind.
    In your case....your in laws are unlikey to ever be your support system....so keep your family tightly with you emotionally.

    Your parents may not be rich but they will open their door for you if things become worse. You earn enough to never be a burden on them.

    Your husband ....
    1)Calmly tell him that if he ever hits you again ....you will not be around long .
    Start collecting proof and keeping it safe .
    Keep some kind of a diary ....may be locked at work place or your parents place . Keep a record of the abuse.
    Keep numbers of helpline ready .

    2)Once it is clear that you won't stand for physical abuse...let him know that this marriage is in trouble because of his behavior.
    Ask him to go for marriage counselling with you if he wants a better life with you.

    Tell him if he has a problem with you going on the roof top or going out ....then maybe you both should move to a more respectable locality where women can be free to appear in public.

    Tell him you will be going home this weekend to spend time with your family to get some love and care which you don't get now.
    Let him worry about saving his marriage too.

    What is the worst that will happen aditi....?
    That you may have to move back to your parents home,to a place where people love you .You can be with them and take care of them instead of the witch who hates you. You will be around your father instead of a husband who hits you to take out his frustration .

    Don't get pregnant . You have time .You are young .These days people get married in their thirties and have kids much later. Right now...that is the worst thing you can do to yourself .
    Even if you want to give this marriage a chance..give yourself atleast two years more . Two fairly happy years before you try.Tell him you will not become a sad mother. You want to be a happy person before you can be a happy mother.

    Good luck aditi.
    Believe in yourself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2019
    joylokhi, Amica, Afresh and 11 others like this.
  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    537
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Aditi, this is very important until your problems are resolved. Yellowmango has put things in perspective for you
     
    yellowmango likes this.

Share This Page