Issue With Parents

prajna1982 · Mar 23, 2019

Hi All, I am married since last 7 years and staying in US with my husband and kid , my parents stay in India , me and my spouse both work here , I have one elder sister who stays in Uk, she is not working but recently started taking private home based job, her husband is doing good , my real problem is with her , she also has 1 kid , I find her very uncaring , through out my pregnancy she hardly called me or cared for me , my parents always support her , they feel guilty that it’s because they married her soon after her degree was complete, she couldn’t work and had kid and got occupied with family life , my sister will always make fun of me, which makes me feel bad. My parents gave her property during her marriage , but didn’t give me anything , now the plot is worth a lot of money , this time I asked them why don’t u give me something , knowing the fact my sister is very cunning , my parents told me they won’t give me anything , anything they have will be divided equally after them , and then the distance build up between me and them , they are always supporting her more then me , I feel very bad at times , since I asked about property I m having a lot of distance from them. No one is freely talking. Since I work , I have given numerous gifts to my parents in the past 7 years , but they told me this time I am very bad and their elder daughter is better then me , I feel extremely bad. What should I do , am I wrong for asking some share as I was not given any property during marriage ?

Anusha2917 · Mar 23, 2019

Has this been the same from childhood? Generally I have observed parents doing equally for their daughters.
How was your childhood ? Was there partiality even then ?
Did you have a love marriage against their wishes? (Why I'm asking is one of my
friend went for a love marriage against parents' wishes. Elder sister stopped talking to the younger one. Not even a message during younger one's pregnancy).

prajna1982 said: ↑

my sister will always make fun of me, which makes me feel bad
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As in how ? Elder ones always make fun of younger ones but they'll care a lot . I hope you are not misunderstanding .

prajna1982 said: ↑

My parents gave her property during her marriage , but didn’t give me anything ,
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Maybe at that point of time they had a property and while getting you married they wouldn't have had one. Ideally they need to keep for both .

prajna1982 said: ↑

anything they have will be divided equally after them ,
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Still a good deal right?

prajna1982 said: ↑

since I asked about property I m having a lot of distance from them. No one is freely talking.
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This should get fine over a period of time.
Give it sometime and don't feel bad .

prajna1982 said: ↑

but they told me this time I am very bad and their elder daughter is better then me
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Very rude of them to say that.. It's difficult for me to imagine parents doing partiality among sisters.

Finally what I would suggest is jeolously among sisters is common. But that jealously should not harm the relationship. Your relationship with parents and with your sister .
It's good you asked them about property .. But surely if they had other property they would have given you . Now that they don't have they are unable to give instead they said they'll divide current property amongst you two. ( By your post I understand that you feel you should get current property completely instead or sharing with your sister? Correct me if I'm wrong in assuming this)
In my opinion don't spoil the relationship just because of one property (small or big).
You earn and you can buy one sooner or later. Since you have already asked them once and that caused some bitterness in the relationship don't ask again.

After a couple of conversations it will get fine provided you decide to ignore about the property which she got long back.

I too feel my elder one is cunning . But she feels I am cunning. It's common among sisters.
At the end of the day other things in life matter like your husband ,kid etc. .
So don't worry dear. Let go of it.

yellowmango · Mar 23, 2019

Looks like your parents spent more on your education than your sister.

They were also more patient with you and waited for you to get a good education before getting you married.

You should count these too before deciding whether they favor your sister.

They gave her some property in lieu of the education they did not give her in their rush to get her married.

You are financially independent....that is your inheritance from your parents .

Your parents are right in not giving anything more to anyone and waiting to give what ever is left after their life.

Rihana · Mar 23, 2019

In cases like yours, the younger child benefits from wiser parents who learnt from the mistakes parents made with the older child. She is not working, was not equipped to work, you are working. That difference is bigger than any plot. That difference manifests itself in many parts of life than owning a much-appreciated plot does. This reflection might help you handle your feelings towards your parents.

About sister - when you envy someone for one thing they have, try asking yourself if you'd like to be in their shoes and lead their life. Would you like to have a plot that appreciates but not the ability to earn as much as you do and the satisfaction of giving parents numerous gifts? Most likely not.

Doing the math on how parents distributed their money, time and resources is fine, but factor in some intangibles too, such as the mistake they didn't make with you.

If your parents had waited before getting her married, given her the time to become independent and earning, and she didn't fare well in that, and they gave her a plot to make up for that, then, maybe you'd have a point.

The guilt of having taken a wrong decision for a child and which can impact her entire life is horrible and all-consuming. Try to be a little kind to your parents. A little compassion.

nakshatra1 · Mar 24, 2019

prajna1982 said: ↑

my sister will always make fun of me, which makes me feel bad. .... but they told me this time I am very bad and their elder daughter is better then me , I feel extremely bad.
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Your sister probably feels bad about being unsuccessful so she tries to look good by showing you in a poor light. Don't make your parents suffer due to your sisters' immaturity. I believe as long as parents are alive they have no obligation to give their property to anyone because it is their security for old age -old age homes are very costly.Do you have any plans to take care of your parents in old age or will your sister take them in ? Do you think it's good to ask them their property at their old age and make them insecure?That's why they are so hurt and told like that. So don't take it personally.But if you feel they have always been partial to her and critical of you, then have a frank discussion.This is not to accuse you, just I did not find enough examples that your parents have really been discriminatory except for the property- so you should analyse carefully and avoid bringing negativity into your life.

prajna1982 · Mar 25, 2019

"Has this been the same from childhood? Generally I have observed parents doing equally for their daughters.
How was your childhood ? Was there partiality even then ?
Did you have a love marriage against their wishes? (Why I'm asking is one of my
friend went for a love marriage against parents' wishes. Elder sister stopped talking to the younger one. Not even a message during younger one's pregnancy). "- I had an arranged marriage

"As in how ? Elder ones always make fun of younger ones but they'll care a lot . I hope you are not misunderstanding" .- I do feel she is jealous of me , since i am working and she wasn't able. For example , my parents came to stay with me and there was my kids birthday , she looked at the pictures and told my parents you guys are looking so tired and all , seems like doing a lot of work. For example, since we both are working and it's kind of tough to vaccum the house daily , she commented once , that Prajna likes to stay in unhealthy environment but she can't stay like that. Many examples like this.

Maybe at that point of time they had a property and while getting you married they wouldn't have had one. Ideally they need to keep for both .- Actually they had that property in her name when she was kid , but never did anything for me when i was a kid , these thought process never came to my mind that they did something for her and not me , until recently when i start realizing that they are favoring her and my sister is acting cunning to me , even my brother in law is very smart guy.

Still a good deal right? - Yes, may be , but after all this i have told them i need nothing.

This should get fine over a period of time.
Give it sometime and don't feel bad .

Very rude of them to say that.. It's difficult for me to imagine parents doing partiality among sisters. - Yes , i felt so , my parents always praise her , that look at her how nicely she is managing her family and kids , why dont you take advice from her, actually she has put in their mind that it's because of them she is unable to work., that guilt is carried by my parents. I took my parents on foreign trip , given them gifts , have asked about them daily , she used to call them once in 7 days , but end of the day i am the bad one since i asked my share. i feel very bad.

prajna1982 · Mar 25, 2019

Rihana said: ↑

In cases like yours, the younger child benefits from wiser parents who learnt from the mistakes parents made with the older child. She is not working, was not equipped to work, you are working. That difference is bigger than any plot. That difference manifests itself in many parts of life than owning a much-appreciated plot does. This reflection might help you handle your feelings towards your parents.

About sister - when you envy someone for one thing they have, try asking yourself if you'd like to be in their shoes and lead their life. Would you like to have a plot that appreciates but not the ability to earn as much as you do and the satisfaction of giving parents numerous gifts? Most likely not. - Yes , i think you are right.

Doing the math on how parents distributed their money, time and resources is fine, but factor in some intangibles too, such as the mistake they didn't make with you.

If your parents had waited before getting her married, given her the time to become independent and earning, and she didn't fare well in that, and they gave her a plot to make up for that, then, maybe you'd have a point.- They had asked her , education wise we both have good degrees , infact she is smarter then me , her spouse didnt support her to do Masters , but she puts the blame on my parents , that's why my parents feel guilty.

The guilt of having taken a wrong decision for a child and which can impact her entire life is horrible and all-consuming. Try to be a little kind to your parents. A little compassion.
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Ruby2019 · Jun 15, 2019

Your parents probably see you as the independent one who can take care of herself but think your Sister has nothing to call of her own.

Finances are very important and this plot of land could just mean that she has something to fall back on in case somethings happens with her family. They have the confidence that you can take care of yourself and be independent.

I always think parents always have a preference. But just because we do more than another parent, we cannot expect them to treat us better. They will always deviate towards this person who needs more help.

I know you will be unhappy but my suggestion is not to think about this all the time as it will only make your more upset. Just continue taking care of your parents from your side without expecting anything in return. That’s just our duty as children as part of filial piety. It will make you happy and you are only gaining good karma. Your children will see this and follow this in the future (hopefully!)