Stuck And Have To Learn To Stand Up For Myself, Please Help..

OP,
Other ILites have given you very valuable advice. I agree with @Rakhii on the need of self-respect, confidence and self esteem. Please work on it. Tell yourself. You can do it. May be that is what all those mantra is about. Create a list of changes in your mind and think about that positive aspect in your life, even if it is about boosting your self confidence. When a negative thought hits you , divert your mind. Most of the time our mind is the culprit, we need to train ourselves.

First of all know your rights as a human being and as a wife. Set a boundary. No one should be allowed to cross that boundary of your tolerance level. It is your own lakman rekha. Once they cross it, it should be considered as a their attempt to treat to you like a doormat. In that case, be bold and face it head on instead of walking away like a victim. Tell them directly 'dont treat me like a doormat, I dont like it'. I dont think any one have to please anybody by giving up their own self respect and existence. you are an educated and smart women. Think about it.

You are over sensitive to your husbands mood changes or face expressions. Please change it. You need to develop an I don't care attitude to all those nonsense that doesn't deserve any attention. It is like training your own kids on tantrums for attention. We need to neglect it and enforce only positive things by attending good behavior. Don't allow even your husband to decide who you are and your peace of mind. You dont need his certificate for everything. Why are you looking for his approval for your own behavior? If you think he is over reacting, and if you believe you are right, don't give a damn about it. Behave normal as usual or even act like you don't care. Be happy in your own world that is what is missing now.

First of all be happy about the improvement in your life when your in-laws are not there. That is a big plus. Look like your dh is ready for change. I think you get him at least in bed room . Remind him about your good days and ask why he changes his behavior now. Tell him you love that version of him. Always talk good about your PILS, even if you dont like anything. I believe they are not responsible for anything bad in your life, the problem is with your husbands attitude change.

Your pils are here, use that your advantage. Hand over your kid to them, go for a walk or you can take kid with you too. If they dont want to come thats fine. If they like to join that's also fine, that should be the attitude. Give your kid to them and go to library or park and you can study there. If you have a will you can do anything. Be smart, think well and use the situation to your advantage. Dont neglect intimacy when PILS are here. Touch, hug, kiss as much as you can. Use the privacy in your bed room to your benefit.

Think positively, may be he wants to make sure his parents are happy and trying to spend time them. Appreciate that. You also go there and join them instead of moving away. May be he feels shy to behave like a dh in front of his parent so he try to a son to them. Give them enough space. Instead of depending your dh for happiness, you should find ways to be happy yourself. But remind him that you are being neglected. Dont acknowledge his silent treatment. Just talk usual even if he dont respond.

Grocery list - You should behave like the boss of the house. you can prepare a list yourself and give to dh. In this list add whatever you want for yourself too. If MIL give something else why are you worrying about it. you can write down everything in a paper and give that paper to MIL and ask her if you need anything . Once its done, you can give that list to dh or take apicture and text to him. Do this in advance every week, even before he asks about it. If you dh gives an expression, dont acknowledge it and behave like you are not sensitive to it. If possible go with him for shopping. Tell him you want to join even if PILS stay home. Never ask him can you buy (most probably answer will be NO), instead tell him I need this. Use this strategy when you need something.

Why are you scared of him, he is not your boss, he is your life partner. Treat him like your partner not as your boss.

"I don't know what it is, need for validation, conflict-avoidance..? What ? I don't know. My parents and siblings are puzzled as to why I bother about their reactions..." I think your parents are right. I feel unconsciously you are blowing out even silly things out of proportion due to this anxiety problem. Please introspect and work on it.

"I get stressed and very anxious if I feel something may upset them" Be yourself. You are changing to something else. Do whatever you can and don't worry too much about others approval or reaction. OP, you dont need to argue or fight with anybody, But once you gain confidence , it will radiate, it indirectly give impression that you cannot be taken for granted. That silent message will solve many issues. You can also give very bold and i dont care expression instead of stressed or panicked body language, that make others to control you more to their tunes. But if its necessary to talk you need to open up.

As you are not working you should ask your dh for a second credit card or monthly money (even $100) for your own silly things. If he deny that tell him openly that its financial abuse (use the word abuse). I don't want to be a beggar like this. Tell him that you are being treated like a maid. Which make you resent him and go back to India. Be open about your feelings. Dont worry about his reactions, but dont give up. [ India got independence after lot of struggles and fights, its applicable to day to day life as well]

No one is going to make you feel important. Its in your mind. If you feel you are important, it will radiate the message to everyone. Dont be a sathi or savithri all the time , bring out the Durga in you. You have the power and you can do it. You are stronger than you think . Sometimes being stronger and positive is the only thing that helps.

Just some wild thoughts, see if anything work for you. But I believe you should work on your confidence and sensitive nature. If you cannot stand up for yourself, who will do it for you. Good luck

 

You are not at fault. We are human; we have the inbuilt coping mechanisms. Acceptance is an inherent human need. Acceptance by husband, kids, inlaws and society as a whole. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. People who have never been in our situation will never understand this; including our well-wishers like parents and friends. Luckily for them, they didn’t have to face this. This doesn’t mean we are weak, we just didn’t know how to deal with the situation. So, our survival instincts kick in and we do everything in our power (even at the cost of cold shoulders) and buckle in, hoping that you being a door mat will somehow make the situation “normal”. This is WHY you are being what you are being right now.

In my case only my hubby was like that. I can only imagine what its like to have the whole house giving you this treatment. My issue was way past the below advise as we were not talking at all but if he is OK with you once in a while, its worth trying the below before you leave him. That way, you know in your heart you didn’t leave a single stone un-turned.

Here, you may find my advice a little controversial but hear me out anyway. Your hubby’s needs are fulfilled by your MIL. Until she is here, whether you are here or not will not make a difference to him. He has her to emotionally support him, keep up the house etc. The only role she cannot fulfill is your role in bed. You want this relationship to work? You need to fight for it. Not in the literal sense but in a way that you will win. You need to win him where your MIL cannot compete. I don’t know how your current relationship with him in this regard but when he is in a good mood, give him what he wants (now it is your turn to manipulate him). Fortunately or unfortunately, we women hold this power over men. Use it to your benefit; we all did it at some point or the other, including Draupadi from olden days lol. I know you may not like this idea but this is where your MIL cannot compete. Trust me when I say this, nothing gives them more happiness than good sex every so often.

You don’t have to start this when he is giving you cold shoulder but when he eases up a bit and when you are comfortable with this. Unless he is a narcissist psychopath, he will be nicer to you because you have been good to him. This is the way you manipulate him back into getting him on your side. Once he really starts being nice, that becomes his habit/ second nature.

Second best place to win him back would be in the kitchen. What does he like? There has to be something that he likes. Look for it. Perfect the recipe. Your MIL can throw all the tantrums that she can. Give him the list. This is your house too. You live here too. You don’t have to wait for her to miss anything. Just tell him hat he wants and see what happens. You can win him back. But before that, you need to have some sense of calmness within you. This chant, aiming to get him back through the ways your MIL cannot will help you reach your goal of a “new normal” sooner than you think.

There was a thread a few years ago when the MIL completely took over the household and how a housewife roped him back to her side. She used tricks like teasing him when no one is seeing, giving him kisses, sending love notes, dressing up every day for him (the traditional role basically). Eventually it came to a point where he loves his wife and kid so much that all he wants to do is make the moments special. He started seeing his imposing MIL as just that, an intruder. Eventually she stopped visiting him every week and it came down to once in 6 months. Now when she gets to visit him a few days, she gets importance. If she stations herself for weeks at a stretch, no one really gives her any attention. So she got the hint….

You tried begging, cajoling and fighting with him. Try manipulating too (like I suggested). Manipulation is a strong word but I don’t want to sugar coat that. If we prefer, we can call it cajoling. Once he is on our side, he wont leave.

 

exactly! This is exactly my train of thought too! get him where MIL cannot compete.

 

I forgot to add, I am unable to edit the comment anymore, there is something called Serenity Prayer.

Though I am not religious, this resonates well with me as it helps me analyse the situation.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I am not religious at all but this keeps me grounded. You dont have to use "God" but you get my point right? this helps you analyse the situation.

 

No amount of advice given here or on your earlier posts will help until you decide to stand up for yourself. Only you have the power and choice to change your life. Excercise that choice.

Your husband from what I read will not change. There will be temporary changes in behavior when you protest. Then back to square one.This creates more distress for you . There is that small glimmer of hope and right when you start being happy he takes it all from you.

There are two options for you :
A) live with him but learn to happy irrespective of whether or not his sun shines on you. That requires a lot of self love with no room for expectations or self doubt.

B) Pack those sentimental toys and head back to India with the child for good. This time don’t fall for any promises.

Both A or B are options where you can continue with your head held high.
It is unfortunate if you have to spend your entire life trying to gain his attention . You deserve better.

 

Very insightful and pragmatic approaches @Rakhii and @DDream Thank you wonderful ladies and am trying hard to ingrain every words you have mentioned into my brain.

 

@MindVoice - I totally agree with @DDream , @Rakhii and if nothing changes then what @SinghManisha has suggested .
I don't want to tell you anything else because they have covered all bases.

I would just like to say that although I don't know what is your professional field, start doing what you can in the what so ever time you have to study . You can start small , say 2 hours a day. I did it but again I don't know what is your professional goal . I had to take some exams and I used to study after putting my kid to bed at night and on the weekends after pre- preaparing all the food. You have your MIL here, use her to your advantage like @DDream has said . Hand your kid to her and go to another room/ park / library and just study.You can also ask her to do menial tasks like cutting veggies etc. You will have to learn to exert your authority.
Say something like this - Mummy ,please cut the onions and tomatoes whenever you have time , I have boiled the dal and will give tadka later. I am going to study ,

Please get a credit card in your name . It pains me to see you asking for $5 stuff from your H. Ask for the card and if he refuses, record that as financial abuse. Also check into women legal helpline . They are anonymous. You will get some tips as to what you can do for any kind of abuse. This is for your own knowledge.

IMO people don't change . You can bring a change within yourself but can't make the other person change .

Lastly, i am here if you ever need to talk , just pure vent or anything else. Text me whenever you feel like
All the best !!

 

LOL! couldn't agree more! It is sad, but unfortunately true

 

OP, I am so sorry, you are dealing with this. Initial years of my marriage, I had a few similar problems, not as much as you, but to some extent. Or perhaps, after 10 years, I am beginning to forget some parts of it. either way - The only advice I can give you is steel yourself so that you don't need his affection anymore.

I used to cry, yell, try talking rationally, nothing worked. I was always secondary. One day It was a like a switched turned on.I decided I am not going to waste my tears on someone who doesn't care about me. I stopped begging, yeling crying. Went about doing my work. Cook clean rinse repeat. I also did one more thing - for 40 days, I made chickpea chundal for prasad and Prayed to Mother Goddess and Saibaba. We both ate the prasad. I didn't tell him why I making the prasad. No explanations, nothing. By the end of 40 days, I noticed a change in him too and he had softened a bit. Perhaps my silence made him realize I had given up on him. I realized my silence is more powerful than I thought. Now, we are one. Touchwood. God's Grace. THings have worked out.

last note - on hindsight, i actually realized we both were undergoing different stages of Sade sathi. perhaps that affected too. not sure if you believe in astrology, just putting it out there