Seeking Advise

You might know from your friends' circle that when parents are not willing to migrate, the entire GC process takes even longer. They keep delaying the medical check-up, consulate visit etc. And even after coming to the U.S. they barely manage to live the required number of days per year. Plus you have the other coast SIL with whom they will want to spend some time.

Is the situation w.r.t GC so bad? MIL does cook, you have time to pursue hobby, and stay longer hours at work. A husband who changes a lot when his parents are visiting is not a problem that is the end of the world. It is a part of life for many NRI households.

You seem to be particularly down right now over the missed call having been for MIL, but really, you need to shake yourself out of this web of self-pity. Snap out of it and focus on the main issue -- a husband unwilling to make time for you. Let's count the positives: You have two beautiful children, both you and husband have jobs, you are eligible for USC, both sets of grandparents around and healthy enough to visit, a hobby that you like and pursue. And you are crying into the pillow in the children's bedroom?

Halwa and picture and cooking in the week are pretty good effort from grandparents. Some are not the kind to play with kids. So be it. Just having grandparents in the house every year for months is a lifelong memory the kids are getting to create. It is not all about bonding. It is about the little things like seeing your husband take care of his parents, seeing you take care of yours, the conversations around the dinner table, in the backyard, maybe grandma or grandpa admiring their art work.

Big mistake many Indian women make. bend over backward to develop bond and all between children and in-laws. When grandma is cooking almost every weekday, why make it a point that they thank and appreciate her cooking whenever they eat? Isn't that weird? And why take that stress on yourself?

Looks like no one is really stopping you from entering the kitchen or letting children eat what they want. When there are two people in a kitchen, there will be some adjustments. With my own daughter, now that she can independently make a sambhar, sabji, rice, Indian meal, I had some not very elegant tu-tu mein-mein's. (silly arguments). Somehow from the posts it seems like you are making a problem out of nothing or blowing it up out of proportion (the kitchen thing).

Possible and better if Dadi stops the comparison.

You really think a 9 year old independently came to the conclusion "you are sad as daddy don't spend much time with you when Dadu Dadi are around"? No. It came from your reactions or silences. 9 yr olds are quite selfish. They don't care or even realize if daddy spends enough time with mommy or not. They might complain, "Daddy doesn't spend time with me/us."

You have to sit and reflect how exactly she figured out your sadness is due to daddy not spending much time with you? And is it fair for her to deal with that burden?

That is not enough of a defense of your husband. No matter your private sorrow at lack of time with husband, you should defend him and if needed sugarcoat it to DD saying that there are ways to find time, will go on vacation when dada-daadi are gone back, and so on.

It is not so complex, Desimommy. These are usual in-law issues against the backdrop of a very fortunate life. You say you want them to bond and all and are going sleeping in their room when you know you cry in bed. Why put a little child through the pain of mom crying in her room? Sorry but that is incredibly selfish of you.

You really need to snap out of it, identify the main issue (your inattentive husband), the secondary issue (fear of in-laws getting GC), and work on mitigating those two issues.

 

Quite independent women don't come undone at work if a missed call was not what they thought it was. Or they come undone but recover after a visit to the ladies room, a good lunch and/or coffee or a brisk walk. Maybe some chocolate.

Take some time to read this poem: After Awhile (You Learn)
In particular, the line:
"With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child."

 

You are being very emotional right now. You haven't spoken to your DH in days. According to you, your DH is closer to mil and you are broaching the subject of the impending GC now? Stop and think. Don't start any uneasy conversations without tackling your most important issue, the closeness with DH. If you bring up things now, you will obviously quarrel and it won't improve things between you. In my opinion, you shouldn't be talking about PILs with DH now. Work on mending your bond with him. It's normal to want to have something more with DH but it's not ok to have so much anxiety for things like calls made by mistake. Your reaction isn't typical.

Have you always had this amount of anxiety with touching feet and making food for kids while MIL is around? You have to work on fixing that. This is your issue, not his. He isn't going to fix it for you. Don't look for his approval or converse with him about it. Just go do it, you will be fine. If he says something, ignore. He doesn't need to say anything to you about what you do in your house. You are not being blatantly disrespectful and you are allowed to do things without "discussions" first.

Don't mix up the issues. Bonding with DH is separate from wanting boundaries with PILs. If you tell your spouse things like he talks to his mom more than you, you've already lost. Don't make this a competition. It isn't. You need to slowly work on your needs and do what it takes to make your bond how you envision it. Him doing whatever with his folks and you and him bonding are mutually exclusive. They are here for a few months now. Don't make it so big that their visit's effect lingers beyond their stay.