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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Desimommy, Sep 10, 2018.

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  1. Sep 11, 2018 #31
    SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Husband needs to mediate between Rajma and Saag ! Then make sure husband is the one cooking the Rajma. Tell him you have a schedule planned and will not change it. Unless this impacts him directly he will continue being the mediator.

    Setting boundaries is very difficult when you have a good relationship with in laws and don’t want to disturb it. But if the in laws already don’t think highly of you why worry ?? I had to set some rules when it came to my kids. Polite but firm, no justification whatsoever . Rather simple stating of plans and going ahead with it.

    One important thing you should realize is that you cannot expect the in laws to care for you as much as your parents. Good if they do, fine if they do not. Do not hold it against them.

    Are you depressed ? Can you take care of this ? Unhappy mother equals to unhappy children. A therapist will help you tremendously, you can vent without the fear of being judged. Also let your husband be a part of this, he needs to realize how much this impacts you.


    If push comes to shove insist that your PIL’s cannot move in permanently unless these issues are tackled .

    You can cry all you want but unless you help yourself and change things nothing will happen. Your husband’s goal is to keep the parents happy . Nothing wrong with that but not at the cost of your happiness. You comply to everything and he will have no motivation to change anything. I hope the responses from everyone will provide some answers. I hope you can tackle this better.


     
    SinghManisha, Sep 11, 2018
    SinghManisha, Sep 11, 2018
    #31
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  2. Sep 11, 2018 #32
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Impressive.

    This is so hard. I still feel the DH not caring is your #1 issue. If he did spend time with you, you could tackle other things one at a time. Any chance of meeting during lunch breaks? Lunch date where you don’t mention kids/parents etc and just reconnect can help you a lot. I’ve mentioned this to a lot of people in the past and a friend kept telling me it was overrated, didn’t help etc. I helped my friend make a list of things she was going to talk that didn’t involve kids/parents/money etc. I got a positive feedback after that. I read this somewhere long ago. Try to see if you can schedule it.

    I agree. Instead of feeling bad, make it for them or door dash it. Are you being told not to? Even if someone told me, I would still do it. My mil is the opp of yours though, she will make anything to feed the kids and ensure they are happy with her food. Food is something that she won’t compromise on for the son and kids.

    Yikes. Is she telling SIL’s daughter the same things? I do know that many mils do this. It’s a daughter is a better mom feeling that boils down to son’s kid Vs daughter’s kid. It’s hard to keep quite but nothing to do. Her loss. Your DD’s reaction is natural. Any use telling DH to ask his mom to reduce the SIL’s dd comparisons. I’ve had to bite my tongue on many things but it was never about the kid. It was always telling the kid about me. I don’t think I could tolerate if she was being hurt like that. Now, telling her things about me, I rationalized to nobody can beat my bond with my kid.

    Which is why I was trying to ask you to keep the tears at bay. Why hurt the kids, they are so young and have no way to fix it.

    You should move into your room. No point crying in kids room. He’s not impacted. Only you. Does he care? No. Make it such that it’s the other way around. He cares and you are merry in your own way.

    Stop with the daily feet touching. Not your mom, not your problem. Let the DH do it as many times in a day as required.

    Stop paying attention to what DH is doing/not doing/ asking you to do etc. Do what you can. Cook for kids whenever you think it’s reasonable. Don’t say, wait for permission. Just do it. Be Kaepernick!

    Don’t panic if you can’t do it all today. Baby steps. Don’t let other people dictate your level of happiness. Be good to yourself and don’t get anxious in your own house.

    Good luck!
     
    Laks09, Sep 11, 2018
    Laks09, Sep 11, 2018
    #32
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  3. Sep 11, 2018 #33
    armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Thinking positive will bring some peace plus her issues are more to do with husband.

    Anyway it is a personal choice what to think
     
    armummy, Sep 11, 2018
    armummy, Sep 11, 2018
    #33
  4. Sep 11, 2018 #34
    Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes
     
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    #34
  5. Sep 11, 2018 #35
    Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    No, they don’t.
     
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    #35
  6. Sep 11, 2018 #36
    Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks again for your suggestions everyone! I will try to do some adjustments and keep you posted on the progress.

    1. I didn’t touch their feet yesterday after coming home from work (my girl was around me so was easy to get by). I know my heart was racing as there will be some drama, but luckily nothing happened.

    2. I’ll talk to my husband. I was trying not to be confrontational as It seems like a vicious cycle and we end up in a fight. My work and hobby keeps me so busy that I don’t get enough sleep. Add this stress I loose all the sleep. Has started impacting my health. Hence I started sleeping with my kids as I Atleast got a good night sleep and was at peace. I agree it’s not a healthy situation between my husband and me. DH asked 2 days about why sleeping in kids room and I responded that I am not getting enough sleep. Guess I need to find the courage to mention the real reason.

    Again, baby steps! Hope this works out. Once I get past this, I can talk about GC as a next topic.
     
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    #36
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  7. Sep 11, 2018 #37
    Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    Forgot to add, I made fried rice for my kids yesterday. Not sure it’s in my heart now but I felt like I was intruding in their space when cooking. But i did it anyway. And I felt good that i stepped up for my kids.
     
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    #37
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  8. Sep 11, 2018 #38
    DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Good to know your update. These small steps can help you to gain happiness in this set up. Keep on doing whatever you like to do. Be open to dh. Let him know what you feel. Most of the time they dont have any clue why we act this way or other. Talk in a friendly way, & only when you are in a relaxed mental state. When we are angry or stressed out, the message we want to convey dont reach the listener properly as they will be distracted by the negativity in our body language or tone. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2018
    DDream, Sep 11, 2018
    DDream, Sep 11, 2018
    #38
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  9. Sep 11, 2018 #39
    Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    So why you should do it when the family is not doing it.
    That means you are not their daughter nor part of family.
    Stop this nonsense immediately. If mil throws a tantrum, tell her first your son has to touch feet ,then you follow it
     
    Sunshine04, Sep 11, 2018
    Sunshine04, Sep 11, 2018
    #39
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  10. Sep 11, 2018 #40
    Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    I wish I am as assertive as you. Again my issue is I don't like to hurt anyone. But at the same time I also believe I need to take care of my happiness first. I agree; and feel the same sentiment that you stated here. I don't feel part of the family. And this is just 1 example. The list is endless and goes on. I need to stand up for myself. Again, I will try to continue on this path and start being assertive. I may not be able to candidly call out to my husband to do it in front of my IL's but may be able to tell him in my 1 on 1 conversation with him. Thanks again.
     
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    Desimommy, Sep 11, 2018
    #40
    Sunshine04 likes this.
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