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Don't Feel Like Talking To Dh

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kettie, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. kettie

    kettie Senior IL'ite

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    It has been 8 years since our marriage. We faced many ups and downs in life together. I always stood beside him in every bad situation he went through. Always gave him priority over everything else in life.
    But my Dh always maintained double standards. Any flaw found in me was immediately informed to my in laws by my Dh.
    Anything I could not cook in kitchen to anything i did to my kid, every detail was passed on to my in-laws. I used to share my office problems or any other feeling with him and he used to listen very calmly, but I didn't know that he shared all info with my in-laws at the back. I didn't know this until I found some messages in my mil's phone sent by him describing about how I am. My trust on him broke that day. I felt betrayed.

    I tried to gain back that confidence in him but all in vain. Just can't talk to him now as the fear or you may call it an insecurity always remain there within me now. I am so shattered that I dont feel like trusting anyone now, including my parents.

    We had a discussion on this but he informed that too to his parents. Wuhoo!!!
    The word trust has just lost its meaning in my life. How can someone survive like this in a family.
     
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  2. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't discuss your feelings with your husband. I also used to share everything with him. But he uses it against me. So now I keep my stuff to myself. Share harmless details about your office. He is a typical mama's boy. I understand this must feel like betrayal. Move on and be careful of what you say to him. We learn harsh lessons in life no...
     
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  3. IniyaaSri

    IniyaaSri IL Hall of Fame

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    @kettie

    That should have been very painful! But was it the same right from marriage? I mean did you talk/ discuss to him on this? What was his reply or reaction if you have discussed. Did you tell him this is hurting you and there is a "world" just for husband and wife and not everyone is welcome in EVERYTHING that the couples talk or do.?
     
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  4. kettie

    kettie Senior IL'ite

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    Ours was an arranged marriage. Initially we used to share everything.. He used to share all his secrets and so did i. And as a good wife I kept all his secrets till myself and I thought he did the same. But that was just an illusion. I came to know that lately that all my info was poured to my in-laws. So, i limited myself from him. Gave him only filtered info about me, but soon he found some other flaws in me and the process continues..

    When I had a discussion on this he said - "My parents selected you for me, so they should know what kind of girl they got for me." what an immatured answer was that.. isn't it!
     
  5. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    It’s 8 years it’s long time ,he complains or tells all ..y don’t u confront him and tell u don’t like how he discusses all...
    Does your mil says u anything ?if she does not leave it but she does just tell her it’s between u n your husband and u had told him in trust n wonder y he told others ..
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    You should probably say something about him to your parents in front of him n if it bothers him - tell the same dialogue as he did. One of my friend used to call her parents n say "look at the kind of hubby you got for me", in front of dh during fight-y times.

    I have heard this many times, my mom used to say that dad was like that too n he never listened when mom asked to stop. It took him years to stop on his own. Despite great understanding, my dh did too but he stopped when I pointed, even now there are a few hit n miss. It's like many men have no filter or jus like meh n we on the other hand are extra sensitive, not a great combo.

    But 8 years is a long time indeed. He should have grown out of this by now.

    Does he do this for their approval ?
    Does he feel an intense need to share something about you?
    Are they good things ? Or mostly complaints ?
    Is it just a need of sharing or is it to convey that they made a mistake in picking you ?
    Does he share about everything else like this too or are you a special topic of interest?

    On another note, are they using any of this against you?
     
  7. IniyaaSri

    IniyaaSri IL Hall of Fame

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    Like others have mentioned, give him the taste of his own medicine! So that he will understand! If he questions you back, just ask him " Oh! Come on! This is common between us na! You have been doing and now I just started" . Dont stop that until he realises what you have been going through!

    And generally, how does your husband treat you? Is he good to you? Respects you? How does he treat your parents?
    He tells even the good things about you to your in laws? Or mere complaints?

    And did he like you during marriage? I mean he was happy to marry you? Or any kind of disappointments or issues in case of any past relationships?
     
  8. kettie

    kettie Senior IL'ite

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    Only complaints about me. Being in such a relationship feels as if i am always under surveillance and will be jailed for not doing something according to him.

    He was in a relationship with someone before marriage which i think his parents didnt approve.
    But thats not my mistake.How am i responsible for this. Dont know how to handle this trap.
    sss
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Could be the reason. But still your husband behaviour is very cheap.
    Stop confiding in him anymore. Wait and see how it goes
     
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  10. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    I don't think that not confiding in each other can be a long-term solution in marriage. You could try talking to him (assuming that he is going to report it). Be very calm. Tell him that for whatever reason, life has put you both together. Better to savour and enjoy together than find faults with each other or let down your spouse and be miserable. Tell him that nobody is without fault, including him. Life is more easy and beautiful when we support each other especially in front of a third person. For the relationship between a husband and wife, everyone including your parents, sibling, even your child is a third person.
    If your husband wishes to fix your relationship, you both could benefit from counseling.
     
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