How To Deal With People At Work?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by Sri2196, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. Sri2196

    Sri2196 Silver IL'ite

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    i recently started working. And iam an introvert. I dont do small talk and contribute to conversations only when i think is meaningful. Many people at work and other settings have asked me why iam quiet.
    I just smile. Dont really know how to answer such questions.
    So today i was called in for a meeting at work. My senior goes on tell me that how im doing my job well and that i should increase my speed.After that,she tells me that i dont mingle with other co-workers. And that Iam always quiet.She thinks i cannot manage people if i get promoted. She says people will hesitate to talk to me because im rude. I told her that unless it is affecting my job performance,i like to remain the way iam. Did i say the right thing?
    People are always trying to cure me as if i have a disease. This is making me self-concious
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    People who are technically sound but don't be friendly with their co-workers end up as individual contributer not as a manager in my opinion. I also have to say it is rude in group setting when you don't talk and just listen to what people say . You don't have to be extrovert to mingle with team members. You can talk about current events, sports or travel or anything under the sun as long as it is not religion or politics. You can also hire a coach who can help you develop this skill.
     
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  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey OP, I am sure you are excellent in what you do. Part of being a people-manager is to be able to communicate and keep the communication open between all channels. That would mean, a simple hello or how are you cannot be the only things you say throughout the day, if you manage people. Part of being a manager is you leading the conversation, direct a meeting/ project etc. And yes, in a group setting, it is considered rude for a particular individual to be just quite or just smile when someone asks, “are you ok”.

    I hope you are not taking it the wrong way.
     
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  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    People management does require good communication n people skills.

    Between two people, 1 being good at work n doesn't communicate easily and 2 being good at work n good at communicating easily - who do you think will you promote in case it's your company ?

    A manager material is not only about giving orders, its about managing over all, understanding n communicating with the whole team. You should be approachable.

    Your seniors words are right if you are looking to become a manager. Because a manager material is expected to mingle, talk, communicate n be friendly with others as they would have to work with other teams as well. Just communicating the work order is not gonna work there.

    In this scenario, you maybe seen as a good worker but not a good people management person because managing people is different than being a good solo contributor.
     
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  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    There are at least three different aspects of this situation that you might want to ponder - (1) A professional/career perspective, (2) A personal/psychological perspective and (3) An interpersonal/psychological/communication perspective. Let's consider these in turn.

    Professional/career perspective: As others have pointed out above, managing people and projects involves much more than assigning and supervising tasks. Depending on your role, you may be called upon to motivate, inspire, persuade, cajole, demand, mediate, resolve, evaluate, thwart, encourage, reward, punish, hire, fire, retain, promote, reassign - one could go on; in general, you have to be prepared to run the circus - tame lions, herd cats, corral sheep, help trapeze artists stay in the air, and prevent the clowns from gaining control. This is not easy. For me, even as someone who believes that he can figure anything out eventually, it was surprisingly hard. Copious tears (errrr ahem ... on the part of the junior party :oops:) were involved before I got the hang of it, a little bit - or so I like to pretend. Do not underestimate the demands. Managing is one thing and managing effectively quite another. You don't need to be all ho, ho, ho, Santa Claus-y about it, but you definitely need to engage people. Approach-Avoidance is not an option.

    So, from this perspective, you need to either adapt your behavior - note that I don't say 'Self ' - to suit expectations for the position you hope to achieve, or you adapt your career path and job responsibilities to the behavior you wish to retain. Middle-management is out.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2018
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  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Personal/psychological perspective
    This is where you ask yourself what the statement above means.
    Labels help us talk about things, to think about them, and to analyze them. They are essential. However, they can constrain as much as they inform. The line connecting one extreme of debilitating social anxiety to the other end of an insatiable extroversion is a continuum. Only you can figure out where your personality, psychology, and behavior lie on it. Self-labeling of the "I am an introvert" sort may not be as helpful as you might think it is. You need to reflect and figure out what this means to you and where it comes from. Is it social anxiety? Or something else? How much does this label mean to you? What are your degrees of freedom around its fulcrum? How rigidly are you chained to the label? Does the personality beget the label or the label the personality & behavior?

    Small talk is meaningful. It functions as a social lubricant. It is a prelude to 'larger' talk. Its value lies outside the contents of the exchange, beyond what is actually said. It is an acknowledgment of the other person's existence and of the fact that we share a planet. Small talk is how you earn the privilege of being invited into a conversation. Without it, you may find yourself standing at the edge of a closed circle, waiting for someone to notice you, include you, and invite you in. You have to banter about the weather before you can make meaningful contributions about Husserl's influence on Heidegger. Kardashian before Kierkegaard!

    Jeez, can't believe I just said that.
    :beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2018
  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Continuing ...
    Interpersonal perspective
    This should be obvious, but sometimes we forget that other people have minds and experience of their own. A lot of conflict can be attributed to differing perceptions of the same behavior. While your self-talk says "I am an introvert. I don't do small talk and contribute to conversations only when I think it is meaningful", someone who does not know you well enough see past the surface might think "She is antisocial. She simply can't be bothered to interact. If I have to go talk to her about something, I feel as if I am intruding into her space". In team-oriented work situations, this can be a problem. This is what your manager means when she says "people will hesitate to talk to me because im rude".

    You don't have to transform yourself completely to meet other people's expectations, but you do have to make an attempt to strike some sort of a compromise between being yourself and managing expectations.

    Managing workplace interactions is a performance art. It requires some choreography.
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2018
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  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I would argue that this is not the right thing to say. Such conversations are best viewed as an opportunity to put your best foot forward, as a chance to sculpt your image in the workplace, instead of letting others impose their version of you on you. When you reply "I like to remain the way I am" you will be perceived as: (a) taking a very narrow view of 'job performance', (b) as unable to act on constructive criticism offered by your boss in your own best interests (the promotion, career advancement) and (c) as unwilling to step out of a comfort zone. These are generally viewed as negatives.

    You don't have to enthusiastically agree with the criticism offered. You don't even have to say that you will try harder. All you have to do is say "I appreciate the feedback. I will give it some thought". That at least conveys that you can handle criticism and that you are capable of self-reflection. If you are feeling particularly strong that day, you could say "I try to be very focused at work, but if you think that that might interfere with my advancement what might I do to change your perception?" When you say something like that, you are injecting a positve adjective about yourself into the conversation as a counterpoint. When you fail to do that, you are failing to do what you claim to do, which is to 'contribute to a conversation only when it is meaningful'. What could be more meaningful for you than your own career?
     
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2018
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  9. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I can see why you might feel that way. An innate sociability is indeed an advantage in the workplace - and maybe even in life - while extreme introversion can be a liability. However, remember that no one is interested in "curing" you. Most people blab whatever comes into their head and move on to the next thoughtless interaction. They are interested in their own advancement. Such comments are often a sign of insecurity. Think back to the times when you have felt neglected by someone whose attention you wanted. Even a rude shop assistant is enough to ruin a good hour or so of most people's day. We go about fuming and fretting thinking about all the things we could have/should have said to put them in their place. No one is interested in your 'disease'. Really. More often than not, they are giving vent to their feelings of being slighted by you even though you did not intend it that way. The comments are mostly blather.

    You don't have to change your personality to suit other people. You only have to admit that social interaction is good manners, a matter of cultivation. Imagine that as just another work project. You don't savor every meal; you don't celebrate every walk; you don't consciously enjoy every drive. In the same way, you don't have to like, savor, or enjoy every interaction. Just learn the rules of courtesy, cultivate good manners, take the initiative and play host sometimes.
    :beer-toast1:
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:You must make right amount of noise at right time with people. Words said in right moment in right time with right people would fetch enormous dividends later if not now. Would suggest switch a bit to be extrovert. Befriend enlarge friends circle is way to go is need of the hour.
    All the best.
    Regards.
    God Bless Us All Always.
     
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