Live A Life Of Dignity At Old Age

My sister now 94 got married in 1937 when she was just 13.Just like any other girl she was trained to be very economical and she was our role model for 'thrifty life' in our family.She had studied only upto 8th but had abundant knowledge of home management.
Every one was proud of her.Many mothers -in-law wanted to have a daughter-in-law like my sister.She was not a kanjoose/.She prepared enough food for everyone.She had three sons and two daughters.Her share of food and her share of clothing was very much limited.My brother-in-law was working in Madras High Court.
His income was less than Rs100/
She was the bargain queen. She was able to get for two annas, where the price quoted was Rupees two.She was always thinking of avoiding unnecessary expenses.Once in a way the family used to go to hotel or ice cream shop.She would just take two idlies and she would not take ice cream saying that she did not like ice cream.Just to satisfy the needs of the family, she chose to sacrifice her share in everything.She proved herself as a woman of very few needs/wants and desires.Her idea was that by sacrificing her share she would be able to provide more for her kids.

She never even visited her old parents thinking that the train charge of Rs15/- might be utilised for some other purpose.In 1960 her eldest son, who was in college started smoking.,without the knowledge of parents for sometime and then with their knowledge.This lady, in stead of advising the boy,started saving for his smoking expenses.It is entirely a different issue, whether he would have stopped smoking if being advised properly.

After a long gap of 7 years the frail daughter visited her 85.80 year old parents..She had prepared some sweets at home for my parents.When my father handed over a piece of mysorepak, she said that she never used to take sweets etc and that whatever little sacrifice she did was entirely for the sake of children.
My father said that in his old age he wanted to see his daughter as a happy daughter and happy wife and not as a sacrificial lamb.I too was in my native place when my father said the following words
This is the wrong perception about sacrifice.This in due course would definitely lead to bitterness and you will be finally victimized.After some time your children may not even ask for your option or choice and go their own way.You will be taken for granted..They would have their own justification because they have been seeing you forsaking all your desires.My dear girl, be careful, days are not far off you will be treated like a door mat and it may hurt you badly.Whatelse can this old man advise you?
Habits die hard. She returned to her home. The fatherly advices evaporated into thin air. But his words became true.Her son became a chain smoker and all her efforts in giving him money secretly went in vain and children started chiding her.The boy became bad,worse and worst with all the bad habits and breathed his last leaving his wife and two children who started blaming my sister for all the happenings.

She had a wrong notion that her role would become a significant one by means of small small sacrifices done throughout her life.She didn't know how to establish her importance in the family.My
father's words are becoming a reality now.She and my brother-in-law settled their family property in favour of all the children.All the five children constructed five flats out of their funds, When the house was in planning stage I advised my sister to build a small flat for her use also so that she could live with freedom until she is alive.
She was thinking that the children may fight for that flat after her demise.Even after persuasion she didn't listen.
She is occupying the flat of her daughter living abroad. After three years the girl started claiming rent from her mother.Now she is almost under house arrest with no one to take care.Whenever we say'how much sacrifice your mother has faced " pat comes the reply" we never asked her to sacrifice simple things. She did it of her own just to earn a good name among relatives and to earn a title of 'sacrificial star'. we don't want to be that generous.
It is an eye opener to every one of us.
The sacrifices/selfless activities have no meaning if the sacrifice itself lands you into trouble.I think mostly women face this problem in middle class families.'Self first and family next' seems to be the correct motto these days.Saving for rainy day suits senior citizens most.
Depriving yourself of your legitimate happiness in young age has no meaning .Retaining a few of our claims at least would make us a lead a dignified life during the last phase of journey.
Jayasala 42

 

Dear Cheeniya Sir,
Thank you very much for your response..One should be lucky enough to have daughters as those of yours.The problem is mothers sometimes want to hide certain things to protect the children from being gossipped about, which endangers the entire situation.My sister's children talk logic now and we are unable to interfere.My sister also does not like us to intervene.We keep our fingers crossed.The pointI was trying to arrive at was whatever activity is considered as a sacrifice by mother is treated as a mere duty by children.They never open their mouths about their duty of taking care of parents.In such situations, parents need to be very careful.Pitiable is the state of parents who have no pension and who depend entirely on children for each paisa.

jayasala 42

 

Dear Madam, Thank you for the response.Now it is time to think of the practice in Western countries to leave the children to fend for themselves once they are 18.Our way of protecting the kids until they get settled does not seem to work anymore.
Jayasala42

 

[/QUOTE]

Dear Joylokhi,
We can't but feel sorry for my sister.She refuses to come out.She told me that she was often reminded of what my father advised her in 1980.Days are changing.Unless one is very careful, it may be difficult to manage if the longevity prolongs.

Jayasala 42