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Not Interested In Having Child!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hana2018, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe and @Shreema86 brought up some relevant social aspects.

    I am in my mid-forties and married without a child. Unlike many responses, I feel it is a lot worse living abroad without a child than in India.With billions of people in a small country like India, the percentage of being included in society will mathematically always be higher than amongst the smaller scattered percentage of Indians in a huge country like USA. If you live among some 300 flats in India, some neighbor will invite you for a puja or function.

    The implication of not having a child is beyond just learning to cope with parents and in-laws questions. Here are some real-life examples from my experience. I think someone rightly said women tend to be a lot more cold and cruel towards other women:

    (1). I have very limited social life which is not by choice. I am seldom invited to peoples homes for festivals occasions. And when I am, I am the quietest person in the room because all others are talking about their kids lives. I can try to bend over backwards to be gregarious and volunteer from coast-to-coast, but the fundamental root of how relationships are formed in USA are through kids - I ask anyone how they met someone - it is same baby sitter, same play school, same school, same activities classes, etc. When kids are grown up again same connection - entrance exams, which college, where to admit, student loans, etc. You have to look at this from the perspective of a very average middle class girl so the circles I am in are the same and my exposure to society is our every day neighbors. Yes, Shabana Azmi or a Vidya Balan can choose to be childless too but their status and social circles is different, or Tabu chose to be single. I have had people tell me to my face that they tend to hang out with people who also have kids of similar age. In the little personal time that people get, their priority is to mingle and profit thru information-sharing with other parents. What will they get by mingling with me? Nothing - just useless waste of time from their perspective.

    My husband and I have tried so many times with in-laws and very very close family friends to get them to visit us (yes! I am one of those rare unheard of specimens who has actually invited my in-laws multiple times to my home) - even when we offer to buy flight ticket they dont come. THe last time they were here they stayed 6 mos at my BIL/cosis place saying there is the baby boy there and did not set foot in my home. It hurt so much because for every woman a home is an identity - the way i keep it, the way i cook, mine and my husbands pictures all over the house - it is a simple happy home with a nice mandir - but they have consistently refused saying some excuse or the other not to set foot in a home where there is no laughter of a child.

    Any one else we invite also they say they came on 6 month visa to care for grandbaby and they cant come for 1 weekend (just 1 weekend) even when we pay flight tickets.

    (2). In India I have been an important member of major family gatherings of over 100 people but everyone just sidelines me and my husband, and go attach themselves to my BIL and co-sis with a baby boy showering them with gold and cash. And I just stand there and watch the drama. People don't even have any decency these days that to give me something even when I am an important part of the function - it is not that we are expecting their gold and cash but who wants to be so blatantly ignored, again made to feel useless?

    (3). Older generations back home used to say that lot of women those days had kids to keep wealth within their home so it does not go to other kids. Now I struggle with the fear, doubts, and trust surrounding these. My in-laws focus 100% of their energy in keeping my husband close to his nieces and nephews so much so pressure him to even relocate to where they live. They have never acknowledged my presence or ask about me or talk to me. But they will talk for hours on end to my husband about all his siblings, their kids, his cousins kids, ---- kids, kids, kids.... that is all they talk to him about.

    (4). My in-laws call international calls in the middle of the night because they think we have no life. They dont bother anyone else because they must be tired after running around kids all day.

    (5). They stress the lives out of us to visit India every few months because they think we can afford do and have no commitments. We do not have to coordinate kids school vacations.

    (6) I don't know what the future holds for me, if this will even hurt me financially if they influence him to support his sibling's children or his relatives children. My husband may be okay with me and support me and no problem in our marriage as it is, but what kind of a marriage is one where a woman has to constantly act like a watchman guarding her husband, her respect, her love, her rights, her money, her marriage? Sometimes it is exhausting - there are too many forces and how much will I fight? I have to place ALL my hopes and trust on one man that he will care understand and support and life long and will not deviate. What if some day he gets so close to his nieces and nephews brainwashed by his parents that he gives them everything?

    (7) I have had some other immigrants such as hispanics also talk not so civily with me - for every damn conversation they will say "oh you don't have kids - why do you even work - you can just enjoy life - you dont have kids so you dont need to work - oh you dont have kids - well then you must have lot of money and savings we will come to you if we need a loan". Everyone and their brother seems to be after mine and my husbands money using the excuse that everyone else has expenses due to kids and we have all the money to dole out. It is like a chick-and-egg logic. I feel we need to be more careful with our finances because we do not have anyone to take care of us in death bed and we need to be able to afford senior care.

    (8). In my own little time, I feel I have made good progress in my life with a few significant milestones (the word achievement sounds too big). But none of my friends or family are interested - I have had people turn away even from photographs of my successes. Basically I could be a PhD, could have found a cure for cancer, could have gotten triple promotion in 12 months, could have made wise financial investments, bought homes, cars, donated, written books, won awards and accolades - but to those closest around me they dont even want to know or want to hear. They want a child.

    (9). My husband gives me 1% of his time. 95% is his work. 4% is his family. Would it have been different if we had kids? Would he have loved me more? Would we have had more quality time together? Would our relationship have been a stronger bond? I am only as happy as I can try to be with so many unfriendly forces I spend all my energy fighting - so is my not being as happy as I should be dampening our relationship in to a dull monotonous existence?

    (10) I am not saying women should get scared and have children even when they do not want or cannot afford but just sharing all the repurcussions of not having a child. That it is much more beyond just having a thick skin and deaf ears. There are some serious practical consequences that come with it.

    There is a silver lining everywhere - my consolation is if this is the cruel society we live in, then may be good I dont have a kid for if this society treated us so indifferently even with a kid, then my kid would be so lonely. At least now it is 2 of us dealing with insensitive crude boorish people, it could have been 3 if we had a child.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2018
  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi, sorry to hear that you are going through all that, can imagine the pain through your words. But just wanted to let you know that the issues that you are facing, those you have mentioned from 1-10, they 'are' faced by families with kids as well.

    There are many families who favours one kid to another. So even if they have kids, they will still choose to stay in the sis in law / bro in laws house. They can come up with any reason.

    The forcing attachment n gifting to nieces n nephews, not recognising the existence of the dil, hubby ignoring the wife, this also happens regardless of the kid.

    If you are worried about money. Transfer or invest a few things in your name. People come after your money even with kids.

    You can check out the relationship / parents forum to see the proof of all that.

    Similarly happiness should not be tied around hubby, kid or others. It should come from within first. It's a hard thing to achieve but it happens by practise.

    If this life that you have currently makes you unhappy, figure out ways to rectify it. Small steps at a time. Not gona say it will be easy. But it will be worth it in the end.

    This world / or even the religious/ spiritual world is always divided between the good n the evil. Our world is also a whole bundle of good n evil. It's not fair to assume that all people around me are bad so the world is bad or the people around me are good so I assume the world is good either. You strike a balance n learn to live n teach the same to our kids.

    The ultimate choice of having a kid should be ours, n for us. It's not right to have a kid just for the society pressure or not have one because of their disregard.
     
    sindmani, aamrapali, kcb and 3 others like this.
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please get out of this childhood trauma. Get counseling asap.
    Why should this interfere in ur desire to have a child. You will be able to Love your child.
     
  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    thanks for sharing your perspective @aamrapali . For sure everyones experiences in life , whether with or without children is different , based on where they stay, other circumstances etc is different. For me, especially the last two Years, my social life has been very good , because I made a lot of friends through work, and most of them are either single or married without children. I have travelled quite a bit , and have a fairly good career advancement . I am training myself to see the glass half full. There are definitely some cons to being childfree , but touch wood so far I haven't felt that yet . I am sure in later years I will probably feel this a bit more, but for now, I am happy being who I am , and I wouldn't exchange my life with any other person in this world. My advice for anyone going down the childfree path would be to make social connections with other women who are single or childfree by choice . And there are plenty of them these days .
     
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  5. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Take some more time and spend with children... Maybe the atmosphere can change your mind. If you feel same even after that.. you can get better clarity.. follow it..
     
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  6. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    My point being one has to subscribe to either the madness within or that of the world.
     
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  7. mishtis

    mishtis New IL'ite

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    Hi aamrapali
    I congratulate you on all your achievements. I believe that through your efforts you have made the world a better place to live in.

    You have a raised a very pertinent question of acceptance in society for the way one chooses to be. And how much we think society can add value to our lives. I, myself, have come across such questions and I still do very often.

    I don't want to sound preachy but if you find the time - try doing these
    1) Read this book "The subtle Art of not giving a .." by Mark Manson. (I am unable to post the full name due to some spam filters here)

    2) Try picking a different hobby every year. You will be amazed by the kinds of people you will meet just by doing this. (My hobby for this year is dancing and I have two left feet. It is fun!) :)
     
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Great words and sound sincere matured advise.
    2.I like especially the emphasis in the phrase “happiness not to be tied to husband, kid ....”.
    3. In any family gathering, childless woman does not command much respect irrespective of the geography you reside. Celebrities are exceptions. They have no time to worry about Childlessness as they have a circle and or clientele who keeps them company and derive pleasure read happiness.
    4. It is said whether you marry or not at the age of forty and beyond the couple invariably repent. So anyway it is wise to marry and ......
    5. Similarly, whether a couple produce kid or not, might repent as they get older and older.
    6. Having kids is no guarantee for happiness in life.
    7. God has designed and created everyone with a purpose. No point in jumping into any conclusion.
    8. Bide your time. Do your duty. Leave results to Supreme. This stand in life would grant one the happiness permanently.
    Regards.
    May God Bless Godspeed in all our right endeavour.
     
  9. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    @ashneys - Wonderful & matured response.

    @aamrapali - Everyone has their own troubles & issues irrespective of their (child or childless) status. There is no guarantee that your kids will take care of you in your old age. We have to keep ourselves ready financially for our old age by saving money. My maternal aunt (a widow) has 4 sons, none of them cares for her. Also there is no guarantee that you will be respected & treated well by everyone if you have kids.

    Everything comes with a baggage.

    So best policy is - It is your life, You should be happy about your life and you have to decide what makes you happy, others cannot decide about your happiness. Live it the way you like and which makes you happy. People who like you as a person will be your true friends forever with out measuring you based on your status (childless or single or something else).

    Definition of happiness is different for every one. Some people are happy if they have kids, some are happy if they have lots of money And some are happy if they have peace in life.

    Mother Theresa was happy in helping others and serving needy people. Can we say she was not happy as she was single and no kids. For her happiness means helping others.

    So don't let others to judge you & your life. God gave you a precious life, live as you like.
     
  10. DavenaRosalie

    DavenaRosalie Silver IL'ite

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    do whatever makes you happy
     

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