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How Should I Handle This Situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by iamsrihere, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    Iam right now confused about my situation and want you ladies to give me some suggestions.I have been living in JF setup since my marriage about 4 yrs now. My MIL and FIL both have health issues about which they crib, vent everyday. My FIL had 2 heart surgeries(though not life threatening) before my marriage. My DH has since then got PTSD and has anxiety issues on and off. Now that my FIL got the same issue again, my DH has been having anxiety issues frequently and this is all making me so frustrated adding to my TTC woes. DH is the only son and hence we cannot shy away from these responsibilities anyway.

    Relationship with my DH is otherwise normal,no big complaints.But I see a distinct difference in his attitude & behavior in the presence & absence of inlaws. In their absence, he actually becomes carefree and happy. But when they come back and start their cribbing business he goes to the original silent mode with ear phones always on, because he doesn’t want to listen to their conversation. He realises that Iam affected, but he doesnt do anything to come out of this because he says he in unable to.

    I have a decent relationship with inlaws but have stopped actively talking with my MIL because there have been instances when I got provoked and irritated with her. So to give me some peace of mind, I decided to not indulge so much with her.She is a person who expects sympathy ,and Im now done with all sympathizing because I myself feel so frustrated. And she too realises that I have distanced myself these days.

    And additional point, my inlaws rarely travel to their home town because they do not like the lifestyle or people there.So they prefer to stay in the city here.

    Right now, I feel so frustrated and not sure what I should be doing. While we have thought about counseling, we do not know any reliable person in my area and my DH is otherwise a sensible person. And on top of this, we have been trying to conceive. While people around feel a baby may bring some cheer into the elders life, I wonder if so much stress for my husband will do any good for us. I have been trying to remain patient but now wondering if my patience is being taken for granted by people around.


    Let me know what best can be done.
     
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I will suggest you to first appoint someone to take care of your ILS and then enjoy your life to the full for at least an year. After that only you should think about having a child. Giving birth to someone and taking care is another big responsibility. You should first be mentally prepared for this. Please start journey of your motherhood with healthy mind. I did it with upset and frustrated mind and suffered a lot. That's why suggesting you with my own personal experience.
     
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  3. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    We really cant appoint anyone Monika.Its not that they need someone to look after them day in and day out.They are doing their own work,but the environment they create at home is what is spoiling our peace.

    I understand your point about getting a baby. But i wonder if things will really change even if i keep.
    DH is the only child and hence we will be called names if we wash our hands of our responsibility. And morever my ILs have created a victim card for themselves like they are suffering with health issues. I wonder if we will be able to come out of this.Also my DH is afraid to create any change because their health issues happen all of a sudden and spoil all our plans for ourselves:facepalm:
     
  4. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @iamsrihere is it already four years..it feels just like i read about your wish for baba to bless your wedding card and how it happened..(it is you right..i have no patience to go back to read those posts, and if it is not you blame it on my doped memory.)

    it is a tricky situation and i can understand how hard it is to stay in such a negative environ day in day out.. as if they are awaiting death. i believe some of the earlier gen never learnt to accept, and live life.wallowing in their situation gives them satisfaction or they want to tell themselves everyday that they are sick.kind of suggesting it to themselves and around them probably they learnt this from their environment.

    let us look at it in parts..

    they live with you. and this is not going to change for now. you accepted and are working around it. how about making it clear that you are going to infuse positivity at home. if it is a rented apartment, can you look into moving into apartment complex that have walking area, a temple where you can make them meet people. they need to broaden their network as in nice friends. do you have a cheerful friend or relative they are comfortable with, then rope them in to talk about walking, moving around instead of always thinking they are sick. it is hard to put the thought in, but it can be tried. how about getting rama jayam books to write, if they like. tell them all of that goes to the foundation of new temples that get constructed.
    can they go on spiritual tours.there are some good groups that conduct wonderful tours and people as old as 80 go in it. start with local ones.

    the husband, he is trying not to be drawn in but must be pulled into it. he knows they are wrong, but can't do much. the stress of balancing when you want to be the dutiful son and a loving husband is hard. so he must be trying to zone out their talks with a phone. how about going out in the day time. just take a day off as in going to office, go to some nice spot, talk about nothing, just enjoy being calm and supportive.
    make it a weekly routine if you can do it on weekends nothing like it. tell him you understandthe, the issues, the circumstances and the parents need for attention, but it should not make you stress out. that he is doing a wonderful job, and if the parents or the society uses the poor parents, bad son cards or pushes you to emotional blackmail stand up for himself, because you can't do it for him. he needs to understand whatever, howmuch ever you try to make others happy, they cannot be happy, you are just a instrument n helping them realise they are happy. in short they have to learn to be happy. if they did not learn at 50 will they learn at 60+. so it is not your responsiblity. it is going to be tougher with age and there will be a different tangent to the same with kids coming into the picture.

    learn to draw lines. retire to your rooms when possible. have your us time. and make inclusive trip only when possible.

    hope things sort out
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Is it possible to move to a duplex (you both can stay on different floors)? Or hire two apartments right next to another?

    Why ?
    Both gives you the opportunity to live right next to each other but with your own privacy.

    I don't believe in washing off our responsibilities even when it's a pain for us, after all they gave birth to us n raised us n now it's our turn to care for them during their old age. It's our duty.

    Having said that, there's no harm in finding different ways to make it work according to our comfort as well.

    The problem that I am seeing is
    - the negative vibe they bring due to their illness n attitude
    - your husband's reaction to that

    I am sure you also understand why they are doing it but just can't find ways to stop it.

    Older generations are hard to change, so speak to your husband first, give him these options (modify to your situation)..
    1) he should change his attitude - tell him that you can take their sickness complaints but his attitude in handling it is a major kill for you n that spoils your strength as well.
    N insist about how important it is for you that his n your relationship is a "happy" one n also spend proper time together, both inside the house or outside.

    2) the change of house option - live together but still have privacy
    - if moving isn't possible, don't keep a tv in the living room. Have one TV set in your room n another in yours, it gives you space. The idea is that you both have your own respective space in the house to relax n be by yourself without them and without all getting stuck in the common area (and getting stuck with the complaints).

    3) say you will get a job or keep staying in your parents house for a while, like a vacation or come up with any reasons that you think will get his attention, these are just examples.

    - in another angle, if you do want to get out of the house, you can try for a job if you aren't doing already.
    - or take up hobby classes or volunteer, basically anything to keep you busy physically n mentally.

    4) make them busy, if possible, like getting them introduced to similar aged neighbors. Encouraging them to go for walks in the evening or temples or make them part of something that they like.
    - if they can do this, it will really help, I have witnessed.

    So jus figure out what options will work for you n go for it !!!
     
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  6. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Shanvy,

    Thanks for the suggestion..

    I did write a post about Baba's blessing before marriage but nothing about wedding card.So maybe it is somebody else:blush:

    My MIL doesn't like to step out of the house citing health reasons..I have posted this on my another thread a couple of years back..and she doesnt like anything positive invoking like prayers or temples..All she likes is watching tv serials throughout the day..I tried changing her explaining her but in vain..So I have just left it.. because sometimes I feel never know what the other person is gpigo through.. so Nothing has changed over the years..So it's all about her complaining..Maybe she is really suffering but I wonder if it changes anything when you keep cribbing day in and day out.

    We have created our space ,we do go for walks but you know the mindframe of my DH has become rigid with zero tolerance towards stress due to their health issues.I have told that he needs to deal with this,not just with his parents anyone who ages is going to have trouble..But no..he is affected with thoughts about his dadz surgeries when he just finished studies..I understand it leaves a negative impression but I think we should get mature as we age..He is super sensible in every other thing barring this..

    I would have handled this better if DH wasnt this sensitive.. Whatever we do,wherever we go out and come back ,to see DHz long face kills my spirits..
     
  7. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Firstly yes,I too feel it's silly to wash hands off of our responsibility..Ultimately they are my close relatives after my parents .But to live in negativity is what is concerning me..Wondering if there is a way out..

    Yeah we did think about moving out..But you know,DH feels his parents may not take it in good sense and may innocently ask about going together in a bigger home..I partly agree with him here..the whole idea may backfire ..and we have to be direct that we want some space,they might be too offended and may invite some drama.

    And I work from home ..so it does keep me busy,but when DH comes back and sometimes goes into this anxiety mode,I feel so low and wonder what will help the situation..I think my whole problem is how DH reacts to this issue..if DH can handle this as a practical problem every family faces ,then I can help him .but he is too sensitive..
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @iamsrihere yes your wedding and the wedding card incident was in the miracles book..so not confused..just mixed both and i am happy for myself..:biggrin:..not bad..

    i understand what you are looking for. but the negtiveness is like a aura that engulfs the whole home as such. it is hard to get out of that mode even for a matured adult..and your husband must have been put through the roller coaster of emotional blackmail and it is so hard get out of it.

    maybe he is not able to deal with the anxiety of being the caregiver, son all in one for his parents as he has been pushed into the role from his college dayssee if he is open for some counselling, tell him that you want to have a happy married life, and at this point you have no issues with his parents per se and it is his reactions to issues at home that is taking its toll over every aspect. that you want to work on being happy and stress freee and his getting into the zone is not helping. his coping mechanism of zoning out is not helping your relationship and you want him to be open and communicate and help each other.

    but if your instinct says his reaction to these is disturbing and not normal maybe addressing it early is the key. maybe his going through some anxiety related issues.
     
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  9. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Your h has to cure himself with his anxiety issues. I too have them and my h had put lots of patience with me. It comes with less confidence and fear. Be with him and tell him you understand his situation.

    I know one such couple where the boy was the only son. The dil had fight with her ILS and started living separately in rented apartment. In this case both the parents of boy died within the gap of 4 months after 3 years of his marriage. Now that dil is enjoying all property with her h and kids but society do not like her. I heard many people talking very bad for her.

    For kids initial years are very tough. Also what will you decide to have? Single child or two? Will you be able to manage all that with little support?
     
  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    many of us have brought up two kids in a nuclear and joint family with no support..zilch support

    anxiety issues or anxiety disorder has to addressed as much as any other issue. it can take its toll on health, both physical and emotional with a fall over on the spouse. read up on general anxiety disorders and see if any of the symptoms fit the bill, if so gohealthy parents give birth to healthy kids.. and it mean both mentail and physical health of the parents..
     
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