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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies
    We are three sisters and all of us had our shares of PIL's problems and me affected the most and was fortunate to express my problems in this Forum for which I got excellent suggestions and many shoulders to cry on. Years rolled by and now my PIL's are no more , Dad is no more, probably because of their demise and our kids grown up we feel we have stepped back to old generation and our children in the current generation.
    I suffered severely with my MIL and if you read my older post you can get an idea of my life. We sisters use to discuss our problems and promised ourselves that we will be the best MIL ever, never interfere in our kids life ....etc etc
    Now coming to the present situation, My elder sister has two kids older Son is 30 years and daughter 24 years, both are living in US, Son got married one year ago to his MS class mate and daughter doing her masters in the same university which her brother did. They were cute siblings and I really use to adore them, he was a doting older brother , protective sometimes teasing just like any other normal brother and sister.

    But what is shocking is my nephew has totally changed after his marriage, his wife is a very pretty girl also a south Indian but different state, my Sis had absolutely no problem in this relationship she was fine as long as he was happy. But I am really wondering how can a persons attitude change towards his parents and sister once he is married I agree his priorities changes now that he has a better half and in future his kids are his immediate family.

    My niece graduation was held last month and my Sis and BIL visited US for the very first time. But was surprised when their daughter came to receive them as they expected their Son since he and his wife have their own cars and also a comfortable apartment which they can easily host them for just 20 days. This girl came in a rental car and took them to her apartment apparently which she was sharing with her two of her friends luckily one girl was out of town and she could accommodate her parents.
    My Sis was shocked to hear many more incidents which this girl had never revealed it to her mother, its been a year and she had never stayed a single day in her brothers house, though the distance is just 20 miles from her aptmt. Both earn sufficiently while this girl is just a student not once they asked if she needs anything. My Sis and BIL were invited for just two days as they clearly told the next day they have to leave on a road trip to meet some cousin of hers. They even skipped her graduation, didn't organize any trip for parents, DIL's cold attitude towards her MIL for no reason.

    Just wondering why its only our generation who are ultimate sufferers from both the previous and future generation.
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    We normally read about bad in laws but here your nephew is a good example of being a bad son. I blame the nephew here not his wife . Two cars and he couldn’t receive his parents from the airport ! His wife has no emotional attachment towards your sister but what about the son ? This is precisely why indian parents need to invest less emotionally or financially on their children.

    On the other hand we don’t know what the other side of the story is. Strained relationships between your niece and her SIL could also contribute to her being aloof with the MIL.

    If I was your sister I would give them the space, keep expectations very low. But also make sure I hold on to my money for my old age. Look up good retirement homes. Focus on my daughter. And be exceptionally good to my future Son in law.

    And please tell your sister she cannot be used as a nanny by her son when he decides to procreate .
     
  3. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    @blessed , was your nephew close to his parents while growing up, is there any underlying resentment he might have???
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Really sad behavior from the son. It is a privilege to show parents the U.S., take them around, together see all the things so far talked about on phone, mom trying out the kitchen and vegetables here and her observations, a few walks with just mom and son, dad and son, whole family. Maybe some people don't realize how lucky they are that parents can travel such a long distance -- have the health and time. It is the son's loss. I feel bad for your sister. To have both kids in the U.S., coming over for the first time, and then such a welcome...

    From a more practical perspective -- 20 days is not 'easy hosting' in the U.S. That means a week before goes in setting up, and a few days after recovering from the hosting. The graduating daughter would also need to spend a lot of time in the apartment to spend time with her parents. First time visitors need a lot of babysitting, get bored during the day, and are not used to easy to make non-Indian food like pasta etc. How much both are earning and what expenses/loans they have, might not be known to others. Organizing trips for parents can become expensive. Not just the money, even the time to research and book hotels etc keeping in mind the age of parents. Taking off from work is separate.

    Rather than expect that son will come to receive them, what modern times need is a clear discussion about the parents' trip, with special emphasis on the finances, local trips arrangement and where they will stay how many days.

    If we think like this, we are turning into our previous generation. How about celebrating that daughter is graduating, could rent a car and come to the airport herself, not relying on brother who lives close by? Some students are married, have a kid and are working while studying. Being independent is the American way. This girl showed she can go receive her parents from the airport and host them in her apartment.

    Shame on the son though. Very pathetic if younger sibling has to rent a car and go receive parents while you are in the same town! The experience of having parents visit the U.S. starts from the moment they step into your car at the airport, and you help them with the seat belt, mom worried about suitcases in the trunk, already listing what all she has packed, insisting on calling everyone in India right away to say 'we have reached safely...'. This guy is going to regret this behavior later.
     
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  5. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Its bizarre! this type of response from son cannot come without big fights/misunderstandings that you dont know yet..howmuchsoever saas-bahu fights might have happened, not coming to airport for picking parents who are here first time, and not attending younger sis graduation is really really big thing that cannot be hidden under the carpet. its very awkward to continue a relation when these blunders and explainations are not cleared up..r u sure your sister is not hiding something from you?like any fights between she and DIL/son/daugher-DIL?
     
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  6. Sandhya13

    Sandhya13 Gold IL'ite

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    @blessed - just to add another perspective: how is the relationship between the couple? If they are going through a rough patch, that might explain this behavior even though it is not acceptable for the son to do this to his parents?
     
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  7. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Your sis was shocked to see her daughter at airport instead of son, so she has no idea why her son is not here? generally before boarding the flight from India, a week before planning starts as to who will come and pick them and where they stay, etc..this is something like not complete picture....at least brother-sister might have talked as to who will go and pick up parents...what explaination he gave to his sister and they are not even staying with the son!!? very awkward but definitely not a complete picture something like fights/misunderstadings must have been brewing within the knowledge of your sister and niece......
     
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  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    We should not always assign gender roles, I.e that son only should pick up parents, daughter shouldn't pick up..and parents should stay in sons house only and not daughters home etc..but Its still sad, ..your nephew could not pick them up ok but could have invited his own Parents to stay with them for some more time at their home..could not organise trip but could have attended own sister s graduation ceremony at least briefly ..but pls find out the other side of the story also..inter personal relationship between them , and any conflicts between husband -wife or brother- sister or wife -SIL..any unnecessary interference by either party can lead to such cold attitude..ok your sister is non interfering, but unknowingly are there any misunderstandings created? I mean unintentionally also?
     
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  9. kalcandu

    kalcandu Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly my thoughts too. When my in laws visited their younger son for the first time in usa, there was a whole lot of communication exchange that took place. In fact the son booked the tickets as in laws are not familiar with airline ticket booking.

    I also feel there is more to it than what meets the eye. Generally children are excited when their parents are visiting USA for the first time and like to show them around, how everything works there, etc. I am sorry that your sister had to face such a poor behavior from her son and dil. Does your sis talk with her son and daughter over phone regularly? It seems to me that there has been lack of communication between your sis and her children since you say she wasnt aware of what was going on (cold shoulder) between her son and daughter in the US.
     
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  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    He was a very smart and bright kid, the first grandchild to my parents and our family. He was super intelligent and studied mostly through scholarship and merit. His total abroad studies was covered by his educational loan which he paid of in 10 months. On the whole a very obedient and sweet boy.
    He worked for two years in India before pursuing his masters, he pampered his sister with gifts and spent lavishly on his parents... this is the reason my Sister is emotionally drained
     

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