Dilemma- Leave Or Stay

Sandycandy · Feb 11, 2018

OP, the more I read I think your husband is not worth your health, peace of mind at all. He has no respect for women , no moral compass and his addiction has spilt over to real life with chats with friend’s wife and strip clubs and massages.

You have protected him from not letting your family / friend’s husband / children about his wrong doings . So he has not faced any repurcussions of his behavior other than having a unhappy wife. So there is really no motivation for him to change his behavior . And he really does not care for that unhappy wife.
You are lamenting the loss of the spouse that you loved. The spouse you loved and the spouse you have are two different people. Don’t grieve forever , move on .

DDream · Feb 11, 2018

OP, you need help. Forget about others and focus on your health and wellbeing. Like others suggested counselling may help to flush out negativity and regain your mental strength. I don't know the type of help available .May be @BhumiBabe can give a better idea. Once you are comfortable, you will be able to think well and take a decision.

Rosegarden · Feb 12, 2018

yellowmango said: ↑

Op,you husband is a shameless cheat. On top of that he thinks he is too smart to get away with it.
He is also unmindful of how his cheating is effecting you and your health .He has some gall to ask you to be normal with that woman he was cheating with. Shameless guy.
He cheats as a husband ,he cheats as a friend .He is cumpulsive cheat with no scruples.

You don't have to consider his feeling . Do things at your convenience,at your pace.
You say you are not in good health ,so you will find it difficult to manage alone. Then don't separate till you get your health back.

1) first step..tell him you are no longer his wife and he is no longer your husband . You will henceforth just be the parents of your kids living together for the sake of kids.
Once you stop thinking of him as your husband ,you will no longer be disgusted by his acts. He is just a stranger with a sexual problem .

Take your time to get your health back . Start yoga,excercises,eat better,meditate....whatever works for you. Once you know you are working towards freedom,you will feel less suffocated in the house with him.

Take your time to work out your finances. Invest heavily for children and retirement.

Work towards making your children more independent and teach them to help you out with little chores.

2)When you are sorted out, and feel you can try out temporary separation ,do it.

This is the time to talk about separation from husband .
By this time you would have emotionally separated yourself from him and can deal with him better. Tell him you want him in childrens life but not yours.
Sit with him and work out the best solution.
If you have a house,then sell it to buy two units close by so that he can help out with kids.
Work out the best child support he can provide.

3) When you have this worked out.....file for amicable divorce so that children are least effected.

Inform both sets of parents and inform them that not much is changing except you are now legally separating . Assure them and keep them in your team .It will help you.

Take as much time as you need . One year,five years or more. Do things at your pace and convenience .

Best wishes op.
You do not have to suffer so much .
And you do not have to do it alone .He has far more to lose. His family ,his reputation and his face in front of the kids. Make him work to keep all this. Make him help you get out of this situation.
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Thanks for a detailed reply. It gave me some confidence.

We are not in talking terms now-text anything related to kids that's all. Recently we had a huge fight. He watch p*** and ma***** even when I am in home. I know that. Recently I noticed many texts logs during early morning and next day. I simply asked who was it. Instead of replying he started blaming me for suspecting him while he maintains mr clean image to me. He became angry and broke his phone. He said I dont have to worry about his morality. I told him I dont want a husband without morality in my life anymore.

Yeah, I am seriously thinking about securing my finances. How can I do it USA. Is it worth buying or building house in India? Any suggestions. I have a house here , but I pay mortgage.

Right now, all I have is my job. That demands lot of concentration. But due to this issues plus health problem, I have been not that productive in my own view. I want to focus and be successful there. Any suggestions on how to get rid all these thoughts & focus @SGVB or any career oriented ladies here.

Thanks a lot

Rosegarden · Feb 12, 2018

paru123 said: ↑

Create a fake email id and chat with him. Chat with him and find out more about his feelings, thoughts, future. You have till now been a very bold woman and managed it so well. I appreciate your intelligence in handling the situation with the photos of the known old lady. Play a game with his feelings. Try to be an attention seeker on the chat and play the same game with him. Find out how he will react to different situations. You could use that as an evidence.

To be honest with you, as long as he is not physically or emotionally involved with real women you need not worry a lot.
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I have gone through many of his chats in the beginning. It all starts with describing what one do to other in normal *** staring from description of clothes, steps to peak. I think they may be m*****g after that (sorry to write it here). Nothing abnormal or fetish. I am not comfortable talking *** to anyone like this way. He behaves very indifferent to me and I can feel very well that he cannot love me or dont care. He dont listen or satisfy my emotional needs in anyway. I never felt that he really love me as his wife or soulmate. He just love himself.

Yes, I also know that he is not going to leave me or kids for any woman as he is very conscious of his image. But what is the point in living with a person who use you for his personal benefits and enjoy behind me with other (the selected ones are married women seeking fun, I am sure they dont love their own husbands). He said that he is not doing anything wrong for the last few years. If so, why he keep on deleting and hiding things. Will you be ok if your husband do the same. If so how you manage your life if you face this situation. I am eager to know. Will you be able to respect or love him? If he was transparent I would not have asked. How can I manage when I dont have any respect or love towards him. Thank for a different view of the problem

One cheats when he/she dont have any love or respect to their own spouse. They are indirectly hinting that they are not serious about the relationship. Yeah I need to come in terms with the reality that I am in a loveless marriage. I tried to adjust for everyone. It is affecting beyond my imagination mostly due to negative feelings. Thats why I asked IL ladies help. Thanks

Rosegarden · Feb 12, 2018

Thank you all for your feedback. It confirms my though process in one way or another. I am now exploring any counselling options, that can help me. I have done only good karma in this life. Still destiny is against me. Still ask, why me? I dont have any clue. Thank you ladies for your help.

Penelope · Feb 12, 2018

It is so hard to find peace when resentment and bad marital habbits are left unattended to for years. As women we feel helpless sometimes because our men don't understand the pain that there actions are causing. When someone refuses to change something that is hurting us, how should we respond. We all want our marriages to work, we want to do the right thing and have a prosperous balanced family. Your husband has lost site of this. He needs to be reminded, but he might not listen to you. Reach out to him, have a heart to heart. Urge him to seek counseling. Sometimes our loved ones can't hear us until someone else opens them up to the idea. Let him know you want to heal your relationship and you need his help. If he does not respond after a few conversations discuss it with his in-laws. Don't share specific details that should remain private but tell them thwrt is a severe problem and you need there help to convince him to seek counseling and save your marriage.

fourthaugust · Feb 13, 2018

Personally I feel marriages are overrated.
We women , we need not to depend on men to stay happy or feel secure. Please op, take things into your hands. You have mourned enough, thought about it enough. There is this deadlock where nothing can be done except for either adjusting or leaving. Stop thinking of him as your husband. Just separate from him first. The things can follow afterwards. And believe in yourself op. Your kids are going to be fine. All you need is little courage to face him.

paru123 · Feb 13, 2018

Rosegarden said: ↑

I have gone through many of his chats in the beginning. It all starts with describing what one do to other in normal *** staring from description of clothes, steps to peak. I think they may be m*****g after that (sorry to write it here). Nothing abnormal or fetish. I am not comfortable talking *** to anyone like this way. He behaves very indifferent to me and I can feel very well that he cannot love me or dont care. He dont listen or satisfy my emotional needs in anyway. I never felt that he really love me as his wife or soulmate. He just love himself.

Yes, I also know that he is not going to leave me or kids for any woman as he is very conscious of his image. But what is the point in living with a person who use you for his personal benefits and enjoy behind me with other (the selected ones are married women seeking fun, I am sure they dont love their own husbands). He said that he is not doing anything wrong for the last few years. If so, why he keep on deleting and hiding things. Will you be ok if your husband do the same. If so how you manage your life if you face this situation. I am eager to know. Will you be able to respect or love him? If he was transparent I would not have asked. How can I manage when I dont have any respect or love towards him. Thank for a different view of the problem

One cheats when he/she dont have any love or respect to their own spouse. They are indirectly hinting that they are not serious about the relationship. Yeah I need to come in terms with the reality that I am in a loveless marriage. I tried to adjust for everyone. It is affecting beyond my imagination mostly due to negative feelings. Thats why I asked IL ladies help. Thanks
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I would ignore if its for few minutes. But if its 24x7 then I would collect evidence and shame him in front of his friends relatives neighbours. Of course I would warn him of my actions before spoiling his image.

Most women have some or the other problems with their spouse. You may not get a perfect one always. So many guys have problems like infidelity, asexuality, alcholic, workaholic, least respecting or being irresponsible. Each one has problems in some form or other. If you are financially strong you can leave any time. But try to go for couple counselling before taking the final decision.

Deborah · Feb 14, 2018

I feel that you already know the path you have to take. You are just looking for affirmation and support from others here. If living under one roof is getting difficult with each passing day and you have done all you could in all these years, then just separate . Just be smart about it . And as others have already stated, your kids will be all right. Gather all the evidence ( all the texts, his chats , chat room log- ins , pics etc).This will take some time but will help with the child custody.Consult a lawyer, get your finances sorted out and then only file for a separation. See how the separation goes and how does your husband react. If you get peace and stability during this separation phase , then you will know the next step to take.You are a strong , financially independent , intelligent woman.Don't falter once you have made the decision.

Rosegarden · Feb 14, 2018

Deborah said: ↑

I feel that you already know the path you have to take. You are just looking for affirmation and support from others here. If living under one roof is getting difficult with each passing day and you have done all you could in all these years, then just separate . Just be smart about it . And as others have already stated, your kids will be all right. Gather all the evidence ( all the texts, his chats , chat room log- ins , pics etc).This will take some time but will help with the child custody.Consult a lawyer, get your finances sorted out and then only file for a separation. See how the separation goes and how does your husband react. If you get peace and stability during this separation phase , then you will know the next step to take.You are a strong , financially independent , intelligent woman.Don't falter once you have made the decision.
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I was in a very confused state when I posted here. Even though he take the stand that he is not doing anything wrong for the last few years, I am not able to trust , respect or love him. I don't have any evidence. All I have is evidence from events 1 and 2. Even though I tried my level best to forgive after event 2, I realize that I will never be able to forgive or trust him. He also behave so indifferent even after my repeated request for emotional assurance to get out of it. Talked to him many times about my inner turmoil and asked his help. He gets irritated & angry and blames me for everything. That is too much for me to take. I feel do distant due to his careless attitude, lack of patience and willingness to work on this marriage.

The fact that I feel relaxed when he is not with me, amazed me. I dont miss him. But replies here confirmed it is possible due to the kind of issues I have. Still I don't have a clue how I manage alone in USA. I haven't taken any decision, but we live like roommates. But ladies here suggested me to emotionally separate, that is what I am doing right now and it gives me confidence to move on. I have almost accepted that my marriage is over. Now exploring counselling options for me.

Thanks everyone for your replies.