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Upset With Insensitive Friend

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by sunnysideup, Dec 6, 2017.

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Dec 8, 2017 #31

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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mbharani said: ↑

I was silently following this thread from when it was started by @sunnysideup ....I don't want to talk about why her friend did like that many have said about it so I leave it there...

I want to tell everyone who are not understanding why she feeling somewhat sad or whatever she is feeling because even she does not know why...only when people who go through infertility journey will understand....so don't take it in a wrong way I will leave with a quote maybe ....those who all have not understood why she is not feeling ok...and "it's ok to not to feel ok"....

View attachment 250291

so please stop asking why she is frustrated or sad or whatever...and please no negative comments...
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Thankyou @mbharani . You summed it up beautifully. After listening to so many perspectives I am feeling maybe its wrong on my part to expect them to understand my issues as probably most of them do not understand it.

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

#31

mbharani likes this.
Dec 8, 2017 #32

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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memeera1234 said: ↑

Don't worry.. this is just a phase. When the time is right and there is god's will, you will also have your day. Until then please understand you may come across many more people who may be insensitive to your pains or even try to run you down. Stay calm, stay strong. Please understand only people who have faced infertility issues actually understand pain associated with it. You cannot expect all others who had not been in your shoes to understand your woes. For them their own miseries count more than yours. This has been my personal experience. Don't worry you will also have your day one day.
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@memeera1234 , Yes Meera I do understand it. I just made a mistake of thinking my friend is different. Its not that she is bad , its just she is unable to understand.

Last edited: Dec 8, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

#32
Dec 8, 2017 #33

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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BhumiBabe said: ↑

You can ignore my post if you want to.

As someone who had not experienced fertility problems, I honestly have not experienced the crushing pain that you have experienced. I think this would make it difficult for me to empathize and give you the type of support that you are looking for. When a friend of mine had her 2nd miscarriage (in 1 year) last month, I was at a loss to comfort her. For one, I had a healthy, active toddler in tow, and didn't want that to make her feel bad, but I also could not figure out the words to use to make her feel better, because my problems and stresses were based on caring for my toddler - and it would also seem insensitive to complain about the difficulties from that. Another friend of mine is still unmarried and trying to get married. Again, the same complications on how to comfort her arises. I think your friend might be in a similar situation as me, and really not knowing what to talk to you about, to give you support and comfort. I don't think this makes her any less of a friend, but it is just the limitations of her experience. When we were younger, our problems were more similar, sharing sympathy seemed easier. Now that we are older, we need a place/person to vent, but it is difficult to expect that they would relate to our problems and give us solace.
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@BhumiBabe , Appreciate your response. Most of the time people reeling under their troubles do not expect any solution. A patient ear would suffice. You were mindful that you do not have words to help out your friends. My grouse is that my friend wanted me to listen to all her troubles about not having a second kid but had not time for my issues.
Just sparing a thought for me would have not hurt me. Also during the course of this infertility journey many people have judged me but i do not feel as hurt by them as they are not so close as my friend

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

#33
Dec 8, 2017 #34

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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friendabc said: ↑

i dont think u r understanding my feeling ... and u r contradicting urself in two consecutive sentences ..first u r saying that "happiness is a state of mind" and then u r saying that "kid will add meaning to my life" ...i was just trying to show u some other perspective of life ..but i think u come from a traditional background where its ingrained on women 's mind that their life's biggest meaning/achievement is to have a child ( its not my words ..but uve said it urself
"according to me kid adds meaning to my life" ..)
as some great man has said----- "Find enough in yourself to, odd as it sounds, fall in love with who you are…even if you’re far from what you know you can become. Once you’re in that place, or on your way, other people—kids, lovers, spouses, partners and more—will make your journey far richer. They’ll be there to build on the base of confidence and self-esteem you’ve already built. But, if you bring them into your life as a vehicle to try to path a gaping hole in your sinking emotional ship, you’ll likely not only end up incomplete…but more alone and empty than when you began."
i just tried to show u another perspective ..but i think we r from totally diff. backgrounds ..so just ignore my cmnt and lets be happy in our own clan..all the best
oh btw ...study confirms having kids ruines ur life..i know it wd be indigestible for most indian stomachs but still ...
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@friendabc , I do appreciate you giving me another perspective. I agree I am still of traditional mindset and would want to have a child to feel complete. Trust me when I say I have thought about your perspective, maybe I am still not at a place to completely accept what you say. But yes as of now I am focusing on what I currently have and choose to be happy in the present moment.

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

#34
Dec 8, 2017 #35

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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Shreema86 said: ↑

@sunnysideup unless someone walks in your shoes , they can never understand your pain. your friend wasn't being insensitive , its human nature . I find that all the people I know , their problems all feel trivial for me except when its serious health issues . its because I have undergone so much pain because of unloving parents that I feel that all other problems people have are trivial . anyways cheer up , you are going to have a child either way , focus on yourself , you are not running a race. everyone has their own destiny , everything has a time . its not your time yet to have a child , but someday your day will come .
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@Shreema86 Yes Shreema Each one of us have different paths and its not necessary for others to relate to our issues the way we want. I had certain expectations from my friend and ended up getting disapointed. I am wiser now.

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 8, 2017

#35
Dec 8, 2017 #36

nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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hino said: ↑

about insensitive friend : Some times, if we talk too much about other personal problems and we will think friend is more probing on me. I dont think it is insensitive ..May be she might matured to talk less about sensitive issues ..
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I understand what you are saying. Sometimes, if my friends share any sensitive/private issue, I avoid to ponder too much on the subject or ask personal questions further. I feel afraid they may not like me probing too much. I feel they are venting frustration but I should not dwell/talk much on their private issue or they may feel awkward. So, maybe her friend was thinking like that.

nakshatra1, Dec 8, 2017

nakshatra1, Dec 8, 2017

#36

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Dec 8, 2017 #37

Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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@sunnysideup - I haven’t been in your exact shoes and have no idea about the depths of your heartache. I apologize for any insensitivity on my part.

I have experienced insensitive friends and have learned from it. Who is a friend? Someone who is there for you when the going gets tough. I have experienced that friends I had the most expectations from hurt me the most but those that I didn’t expect anything from have stood by me. I have also noticed that the one who has consistently been there for me hasn’t undergone what I have. You will see that there will be understanding from people you least expect empathy from. Those are your true friends.

This is how you feel. It’s valid. Don’t invalidate it and make excuses for the friend. She was a good friend in the past, no doubt. Is she one now? No. There is no point relying on her. Move on.

Regarding the co-sis, it’s a very valid feeling. Don’t let it hurt you more than you already are though. You already have a struggle, you already hurt on a regular basis, don’t make it harder for yourself. Try to let it go.
Hope you get some positive news very soon.

Laks09, Dec 8, 2017

Laks09, Dec 8, 2017

#37

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Dec 13, 2017 #38

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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Laks09 said: ↑

@sunnysideup - I haven’t been in your exact shoes and have no idea about the depths of your heartache. I apologize for any insensitivity on my part.

I have experienced insensitive friends and have learned from it. Who is a friend? Someone who is there for you when the going gets tough. I have experienced that friends I had the most expectations from hurt me the most but those that I didn’t expect anything from have stood by me. I have also noticed that the one who has consistently been there for me hasn’t undergone what I have. You will see that there will be understanding from people you least expect empathy from. Those are your true friends.

This is how you feel. It’s valid. Don’t invalidate it and make excuses for the friend. She was a good friend in the past, no doubt. Is she one now? No. There is no point relying on her. Move on.

Regarding the co-sis, it’s a very valid feeling. Don’t let it hurt you more than you already are though. You already have a struggle, you already hurt on a regular basis, don’t make it harder for yourself. Try to let it go.
Hope you get some positive news very soon.
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Hi Laks09, Thank you for taking time and replying. You are one of my favorite ILite and have always found your responses well rounded.
I have come to a conclusion that instead of dissecting further on my friend's behavior its better to accept she is that way. If her actions hurt me then I have to move away from her for my self preservation.
In case of my co-sis, I cant wish away my feelings and since I do not want anything negative for her I am not guilty as well. Simply put I am sad for myself but happy for her.
I am trying to move away from all these negative thoughts and thankfully my office is keeping me busy.

Last edited: Dec 13, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 13, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 13, 2017

#38

mbharani likes this.
Dec 13, 2017 #39

sunnysideup Silver IL'ite

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Dear ILites,

Thank you for each one of your valuable suggestions. I am grateful that you took some time to respond and make me feel better. Different people different perspectives. You all made me think and helped me in analyzing my situation in various angles. I am trying to move away from all this negative thoughts and have a positive approach.

sunnysideup, Dec 13, 2017

sunnysideup, Dec 13, 2017

#39

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Dec 13, 2017 #40

diamond1880 Senior IL'ite

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Sunnysideup, I hv been in your shoes, n I know how painful it is, I had multiple ICSI failures due to male factor,n there was this school friend of mine with 2 kids laughing and making fun of me telling me I cannot conceive which was like the easiest job,
I simply stopped talking to her and hv no contact with her,I did not even inform her when my kid was born, but ensured she got the message through a common friend
So your day would come till then guess you just need to be positive

diamond1880, Dec 13, 2017

diamond1880, Dec 13, 2017

#40

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