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Losing It Completely .

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shreema86, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, How long you been married ?
    Yes, your husband cannot talk. But he can read. right. Send text or email on your concerns. He should know that this life is not normal , you are unhappy and there is a problem.

    To be frank, I think you need to inform at least your mom (if you cannot talk to her , find someone (sister?) you can talk, they will inform). Nothing to be ashamed of. It is not your fault. It was your husband who spoiled your life( I think it is cheating). If you walk away from this marriage, your husband will marry another one and another woman will suffer.

    I think you should now focus on you. You career, financial independence etc. Once you are ready to move out , you will be able to assess and see how you can manage your life alone. I am sure once you gain confidence, you will be able to take a decision. You deserve a better a life. Be strong. Take care.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2017
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  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I get it, it's why a lot of my problems end up on this forum. The most helpful thing to deal with my low confidence level, was writing a journal. The things that I couldn't resolve on my own, I bring to IL, and when even that doesn't work, I vent to my friends and mother. Storing all that emotion only leads for a breakdown, and it really undermines your own self-esteem.
    I am lucky to find a counselor to help me out. She is an older (my grandmother's age) Indian woman, who is quite modern in thought despite growing up with Indian traditions. I can really trust her to support me the way I need, and give me the tough love when I get too whiny. My counselor is the reason I am this strong now.
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand about your challenges as I have heard this often from ladies who has grown in a protective environment or just terrified. They just don't wana step out of their comfort zone bcoz the outside world n being alone is even more scary for them than a miserable marriage. Unfortunately, they are the majority.

    Does both sides of the families love you a lot and support you right now that you are worried about it not being there anymore ? If they are already unsupportive n making you miserable, what difference will their hatred make ?

    Coming to your husband, is it only the romance n intimacy that's missing in your relationship? Other than that, is your husband a good partner to live with ? Is it like living with a good friend ? Do you atleast like him as a friend ?

    Ideal solutions are..
    - both of you talk about it n compromise mid way (marriage counselling may help here)
    - he changes n starts behaving like a husband than a roomie
    - or you leave him n start a new life.

    In this similar situation, where separation / divorce doesn't work for many different reasons, I have seen some women opt for these following things n most of them have children too..

    - Get a job in a different country- unrelated to her or spouse's family n move out n take the kids too
    - or send the husband to another city or country n stay back
    - or different houses in the same city - stating school, office distance n traffic
    - basically long distance relationship

    - Have emotional or physical affairs or sometimes both, depending on what they are craving - mostly hidden.

    - In some cases, they opt for open relationships. Because they say it keeps them friendly, happy n their marriage together. I don't get it, but it works for the couple who really can't or won't get a divorce.

    - Sometimes one spouse just gives up n accepts everything- e.g like if a wife finds a hubby's affair or some bad addiction or compatibility issues or character flaws, she turns a blind eye n keeps quiet.

    - Accept the relationship n live like room mates

    - They confide in a friend, or get a therapist, someone or some way to basically vent.

    - They focus on different things like religion, children, work, active social circle, travel, etc.

    Everyone makes different choices based on so many factors in their life. No one has the right to judge from outside, because the term right or wrong differs for each.

    So you make a list of what you really, really want n also write about the possible ways to get it. At the end of the day, regardless of 100 people giving you 100 different options, any choices or changes in your life has to come only from you. If you are not ready to make even the smallest change, nothing will change and the same topic may continue even 10 years later.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2017
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  4. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    You can choose to feel sorry for your husband & stick around or feel sorry for yourself & leave. Choice is yours.

    He is devoted & is taking extremely good care of you as in his head he knows he isn't giving you everything, so his care is kind of compensatory. I agree with the others above that you need to find a confidante/ counselor & share your situation & find a solution. I also think it's essential that you share the reason with at least someone in your family; considering your Dh is so caring, your family is likely to misunderstand you greatly since they won't understand why you want to divorce if the asexulity isn't mentioned.. but you can cook up some other strong excuses for purpose of optics & saving Dh's reputation.. but on the other hand if you keep quiet about this&others don't know, some other girl will fall a victim to this situation.. so think about it.

    Good luck! I hope you can find support & feel guilt free to take this big step.
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
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  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Is adopting a kid an option for you? Since kids give back that love and warmth, you might feel better. Spouses become asexual after some yrs in marriage, but that is not seen as an issue as they are occupied with other things like kids, career, work life balance, etc.
    Or you can start by getting a dog.
    You basically need that reciprocation of love..
     
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  6. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    thanks Rihanna.. I do realize that with good health and education I am still more fortunate Than many others. I am going to spend some time learning finances , investing etc.. and also work on my career skills.thanks for making me see the glass half full.
     
  7. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    you are totally right with your analysis . Don't know why I should suffer while everyone else seem to be fine.
     
  8. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    thank you for the suggestion , you made a lot of sense.
     
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Y@yogirl, ,I have always thought of adopting , and I am pretty sure I will adopt a child but feel I shouldn't do this with the wrong person i.e my husband . what if I adopt and then I really feel I don't want to be in this marriage, I will be messing up that child life...
     
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  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    thank you for this detailed post .. you are right , unless I initiate the change , even a leaf won't move.
     

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