Parenting – A Boon Or A Curse

Child birth is undoubtedly one of the most euphoric moments in any parents’ lives that bring the tears of joy in every eye. While we celebrate this jubilant occasion, a large part of us remain oblivious or miss to notice that big package of responsibility and challenges posed to parenting that comes along with this little cupid. I am no expert in child or teen psychology, still in my nascent stages of parenting (raising my six year old son), desired to take this forum to unleash some of my first hand experiences on raising children (albeit my purview to this could be limited on practical end but profound on theoretical and observations from near and dear ones) and on a larger scale wanted to share something that perturbed me in the recent past.

A couple of weeks ago as I was randomly surfing through some news on the internet, I inadvertently bumped into this amazing lecture delivered by a psychology professor from Harvard university (translated into an article) about the mentality of adolescent and teenage kids of the recent era across the globe. A plethora of topics was covered that includes the exposure, knowledge, interests, focus etc. of these kids but something that captured my attention and left me into deep thoughts was about the high level of mental and emotional sensitivity of these kids, lack of endurance to achieve success, a large extent of being an introvert working mostly in a covert manner and the inevitable peer & parental pressure on them.

With the rapid modernization of our lives most of the families these days breaks down into nuclear shells. A majority of these nuclear families resort to having only single kids (owing to lack of time to dedicate for these kids growth/financial or economic factors/personal choice etc.). These highly pampered kids evolve into emotionally weak and sensitive ones, dependent and unable to accept failures or disappointments in life. These mental/psychological conditions of course cannot be generalized or categorized only for single kids as it happens for kids with siblings too.

Recently a teenage girl probably sixteen or seventeen years old from the family of a prominent celebrity in the Indian film industry ran away from her home and this news spread like wild fire becoming the cynosure of media and people. I happened to watch this press conference meeting on YouTube set up by her mother and aunt pleading the media and the police to help them find their daughter. While they believed that their daughter was abducted and did not return from school, in reality she had left her home without notification, furtively, traveled all the way to a neighboring city and found shelter in some Christian hostel with the limited cash that she managed to carry from her home. The poignant speech given by her distraught mother crying and begging for her daughter to come back ripped me apart. Although I do not intend to be judgemental or come with some preconceived notions of shifting the blame entirely on the child or the parents owing to the lack of clarity of what really happened to the girl that triggered her do something like this, yet this girl’s action is scary, deplorable and stigmatic. This is not something novel, there are similar incidents happening in many places with teenage or younger kids running away from home or even worse end up becoming suicidal leaving their parents behind into an unfathomable plight inflicted with utmost agony that might probably haunt them for the rest of their lives.

I was left in grave shock and disbelief of how this girl could put her parents through this dismal phase. Or rather what factors forced this girl to take this extreme risk/step in her life that faltered her mother and father as parents? Is it that academic pressure from parents or peers unable to cope up with the challenges of this competitive world or is it the intolerance towards negative criticism that is embarrassing or daunting or is it the impatience towards attaining success (as they want everything easy and quick) or is it a dejection due to failure or it could range over myriad other reasons starting from a bullying at school, physical or personal issues like parental arguments or may be a divorce at home. Well, the reasons are many but the question here is how do we help our kids handle them?

There is no specific rule book to parenting as some tips and tricks might help in a few instances but may not help others. When our kids commit a mistake definitely reprimanding them by physical or verbal abuse is never a solution. It might only make the situation worse. Embracing them with love and compassion and guiding them by pointing out their mistakes at the right time politely might help. Of course we should also be cognizant of the fact that the love and affection we shower on them should not come at a cost of spoiling our kids. So it’s a way of smart parenting that probably we all, as better parents should learn. We should help them comprehend that a negative feedback is not detrimental rather instrumental on a positive front aiding in their personality growth and development. We should motivate them that failures are only stepping stones to success, that it is perfectly OK if they are not a laureate or a genius, make them realize that no one is perfect here which would in turn encourage them to evolve from their naive and vulnerable self into a more confident, strong and a better individual ready to face and fight the savage reality of life.

As a closing note, parenting is certainly a boon, a blessing in disguise and not a threat. Like how every child is unique in their own way so is every parent. Each of them have their own style of raising their kids and are proud about it. It’s just that we should help our kids and as ourselves not succumb under pressure, take life in a positive spirit and emerge as better humans!!

 

Hey folks watch out the space for snippets with my new article - "Parenting - A Boon Or A Curse".
I am writing after a long hiatus and hoping to see some interesting/debatable feedback.

Cheers,
Bhargavi

 

Hi Rihana, thank you for your thought provoking comments/feedback. I totally agree to your part of psychological/emotional counseling to be undertaken by parents and kids who probably undergo this kind of a traumatic experiences. As much as it affects the parents it does affect the child's mental sanity on a long run. So taking appropriate help is highly advisable.
Coming to your general note as there is a saying "Ignorance is bliss", it certainly is convenient and peaceful to lead a life like our parents did 3 decades ago, a world sans technology and its harmful exposure/addiction to kids, a world with probably lesser child abuse or crime rates or maybe again here comes the ignorance of our parents of not been exposed to such cruel happenings around .. although pressure of education was always a running problem now and then, a lot more newer problems/challenges are added to kids lives these days. Parents these days too are obsessed abt many things and too much information abt everything is making them anxious and stressed. But is there a solution to this obsession? Can we stop worrying abt every single thing revolving around our kids? Well I guess it's a trade-off here as to how much knowledge to retain and how much to ignore for own peace and sanity

 

@jayasala42 Hi Jayasala, thank you for that amazing outlay of thoughts articulated with a whole new vision and insight into multiple issues.
Yes, in today's world as parents ourselves, we cannot stop clinging to advancing technology and electronic gadgets. Thereby kids are having an easy reach to these sources..so I guess keeping in mind about the well being of our kids, perhaps we as parents should be more cautious and cognizant abt its usage optimally and restrict it whenever needed. Afterall we should preach what we practice and serve as an example to our kids..
Following the theoretical tips in Google to handle kids has not helped me much either with my son... Every child's psychology and mental growth & maturity is different. So over careful observations and evaluations we should find our own solutions to meet the challenges in child upbringing..
Although i would resent to take blame on us as parents due to the failure of a child, yet we cannot stop being anxious and not just blame the destiny..
I really loved ur ending - "The average, less intelligent, and less obedient children
make us better thoughtful parents than the bright, obedient and disciplined ones.,"
This is totally true. Unless we falter and make mistakes we can never learn and evolve into better people.

 

@satchitananda , Thanks a lot. I really loved every bit of your comments and do appreciate the time taken to pen them down. Most of your words were kind of a reflecting mirror to me because I am facing some of these with my son too. He is very sensitive and even a slightest degree of my voice raise is totally unacceptable to him. He is less than six so for now he only cries and throws up tantrums. ( Donno when he would start talking back). I am a cool as well as a strict mother when situation or things demand. I really face a challenge in pointing out mistakes or in convincing/coaxing him when he is wrong.. again he is a single child to me and although I try my best not to pamper him, he is smart and aware that he is my whole world and knows how to work his way around with me despite my efforts not to yield to it or to his demands..
About the teachers, yes I totally agree that the teachers these days anticipate parents to be responsible and take up ownership for every thing, what's worse even when they expect the parents to prepare their kids abt some subjects much before even they're taught at school, in a way easing their job.
The IQ level of these days kids are immensely high and they are very sharp and observant. Even I used to wonder if our endurance level was higher towards our parents punishments on us or were we thick skinned we definitely do not break down so easily and never in our dreams would imagine to run away from home or threaten to commit suicide for issues bothering us.
I leave it to time and take life as it comes.. right now I deal with my son's issues one at a time. If my solution to my son's problems back lashes at me, I sit back and think through a whole new paradigm or at times simply give up to time