My Husband Judges Everything I Do And Say

happyandsad, I hear you. I hear the frustration. I hear the helplessness. I hear the happy and the sad you.

But, know this. If you are feeling this way, chances are he is also feeling the exact same way about you.

Like others already suggested, you need to reset the expectations. We are not as young as we were 12 years ago. In my early 20's, I could stay up all night and go to work the next day. I could do laundry, grocery, cooking, cleaning and full time job simultaneously.
Now, my husband never really bothered with work at home. I was OK with it. So, he was OK with it. Now, i cannot do all these things without help. The expectation is set that I do it alone. I fought with him, nagged him cajoled him to no avail. He is not going to do it. Either I fret and cry about it and fight with him or hire a maid (if we can afford it) or do it at my own pace.
Of course he is going to get upset when things are going slow. That's the expectation you need to correct. Either help or hire or wait for it to get done in its own pace.

I still cook/clean etc But I also realise that he is doing his own helping thing which I had taken for granted. Look around. is he doing anything that you have not noticed?

 

What would help is to focus on making sure you don’t say anything that you don’t mean.

I mean say only things that you really mean. Sometimes we say/do things in the spur of the moment. Try to prevent it until you both are in a better position in terms of understanding.


After that, you need to practise understanding that as long as your intentions are good, what he makes out of it is his problem. I am married for close to 10 years now and even now my husband says and does things that makes me wonder, who is he.

If he twists and turns your words, offer an explanation of what you really mean. After that, whatever he concludes is his problem. Don’t turn yourself fake. Work towards moving away from fake-ness. It takes a lot of time and practise. You will get there.

 

The husband might reform, if the wife took on a "Jehovah's witness" mode of interaction. Pounce on comments right away, and get aggressively submissive. I think happyandsad might have the attitude <and energy> to do this. Pretending to be a "witness" or an adventist is not for for everyone.

If she did that a few times.... he'd wonder whether he can open his mouth on anything, and eventually become well-trained. I have linked something i read the other day.... and it shows how. For example, when he criticizes, she goes wild with appreciation, thankfulness, and describes at length on how his comments had improved her performance in every which way. The following essay suggests that you "coach" your spouse into good behavior.

What is Integral Development Coaching ?
Have you ever noticed that when people say things to you that you do not like to hear (e.g. when my husband says I haven’t loaded the dishwasher in the most efficient way), you get defensive and collapse, fight or flee ? That’s because when those close to us touch into our blind spots and we’re not aware of them it really hurts. It hurts precisely because they’re in the dark, they’re in the spot that’s blind to us.

Most often we’re practicing sealing the cycle – we become really good at criticising, finding problems and we forget that our being, our ‘Lizzieness’ or our ‘Tomness’ or our ‘Jackness’ [insert your name if you’d like!!] is right here all the time, shining forth into the world – those around us can see it, but it’s harder for us to see ourselves. <there is more at the link>