Frustrating Life Due To Sick Inlaws

Jasminepetal · Dec 22, 2016

Meet9 said: ↑

OP, I would second this, I have seen this personally, out of my 4 mamis (DILs), only one cared good enough with heart to my grandmother (mom's mom) and mom's sister (she had cancer), I remember there were times when all the relatives would be in their home all the time, she would in kitchen in summers all day slogging for making food and doing other things, I have also seen her secretly cry to my MAMAji, complaning that she cant bear this much burden but she did it....everyone used to go to their 2 BHK apartment only....Now at the end of 12 yrs, they are the ones who are the most happy and prosperous....when my grandma and masi have expired, they blessed the family....none of the moms other brothers took care of my grandmother as this uncle did.....I am not suggesting you just forget about family time but REST ASSURED you will be blessed somehow...and try to balance both family time and forget about others who are not interested in caring for your ILs.....blessings and miracles come in unique ways.... I was having tough time getting a job in US, I was working in a small job in veteran affairs hospital here, one day I saw old couple had no money for coffee /food it was very cold and snowing badly, I bought them food coffee, they blessed me, in next few days I got my dream job....I think by telling you all this, I need to get inspired by these beautiful things....I forget to emulate while preaching others
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Thank you and sorry again. I have become allergic to such appreciations now. I do not believe in such reciprocations. My aunt took good care of her Mil, she had no one to take care in her oldendays and had to die alone in old age home, her kids were abroad. People whoever tals to me tries to calm down me with all this kind of appreciation.

dnormx01 · Dec 22, 2016

My idea doesn't feel ideal to me myself but in the situation you're in, I can't think of anything better.

Do you have any relatives like MIL or FIL's siblings/nieces or nephews close by, so they can chip in once in a while while you take a break. But please be aware that this can backfire too with relatives badmouthing your husband's family too.

Best wishes

Meet9 · Dec 22, 2016

Jasminepetal said: ↑

Thank you ...... appreciation.
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Oh I am sorry you feel this way! You must be burnt out with all these efforts and caregiving....I would in this case recommend you to sit down and come up with a plan which is compatible to both your desires/needs and time of affordibility in giving care. would you be OK taking care of them turn wise? the other siblings have to chip in with financial help for maid if they are not being there physically...how does your husband feel about this? Is he aware of your frustrations? and anything you do please make sure you think twice or thrice about it so you do not have any regrets about it....i hope a satisfactory solution comes up soon for you...

beautifullife30 · Dec 26, 2016

Jasminepetal said: ↑

thank you beautifullife30, we tried to keep full time maid, but they leave within two months. still we are searching for proper maid, it is not happening. again, maid searching responsibility is solely ours.
Like you , our relatives and neighbour appreciate us. But, honestly i don't want this appreciation, i need my family life as before. I am tired of this kind of life, mentally and physically. no words to explain my pain.
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Sometimes, we just happen to take a lot more responsibility than others. Just accept that fact and move on.
umm...have you considered the thought that maids might have left because maybe the work is too much for just one maid. Get two maids instead of one.

You are saying that people are ready to share expenses. So why hesitate. Appoint two maids instead of one. Go through agency which provides helpers like maids, nurses etc.

Jasminepetal said: ↑

I am making up my mind to say no to my inlaws.
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My suggestion would be please don't do this. I know these are frustrating times but trust me there is always a good future ahead.

Saying no to inlaws when they are sound and healthy is one thing but saying no them when they are sick and helpless is IMO wrong. I practice this in my life too.

Let me tell you something. I have two kids, no house yet, no car yet. Me and my husband are taking care of my mom and we took a few loans to smooth out our expenses. We are far from settled. That is because I took the responsibility of taking care of few things. My younger sister is happily married, well settled, infact she delivered a baby and I am taking care of her now.

Ofcourse, I can always say no to all these people and live my life comfortably just like my sister and others. But its just not right.

At the end, its your decision. Hope you make a wise one!

anuyogam1988 · Dec 28, 2016

Its very important to take care of aged parents IMO. Just ask your husband to help you in kitchen and do chores together.

Jasminepetal said: ↑

I am in terrible state of mind due to my inlaws, mainly because of my co sisters, so i have come here to seek your advice and suggestions.
Please help me out. My husband has an elder brother, elder sister and an younger brother. All are married. My family and younger BIL family stay in the same area, nearer to my In laws place.
My MIL/FIl were living few streets away from our house till two years before. When My MIL got sick, FIL couldn't handle her alone, so they often used to stay at our home till she recovered.
This happened quite a lot of times. at one stage, FIL was not able to handle mIL further stating his age, so moved very next to my house. Though they stay in a separate house,all services needed for them are being done by us.
I do cooking, my husband takes them to clinic and hospitals. We have arranged maid to clean their home and clothes. Daily me and my husband check them and meet their needs.
This is going on for two years. I feels like me and husband has no family time , always busy doing our works and taking care of his parents. I feel sick of this routine, Even if we have to go for a cinema we need to ensure that everything is OK with them and then plan for it. Many time, at last moment my husband had to stay at home to attend them, so I end up going to cinema with my kids.
This life is frustrating. My other BIl and SIL stay in a different city, they often give distance as a reason. My other co sister is not in talking term with inlaws. She is staying closeby, but she refuses bluntly to help them at this stage. what to do? anybody like me here on this forum? How to handle this situation
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sindmani · May 20, 2017

Jasminepetal said: ↑

Sorry to this, I am tired of this kind of appreciation. I don't want to suffer more, hoping one day I would be happy. I see my relative and my sisters living a happy life. This is sulking. Sorry again, I am frustrated to the core.
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I understand ur feelings. Please get a paid nurse for ur mil.

sindmani · May 20, 2017

Along with my husband's maami ,I took care of my husband's grand mom( my mil's mom) in her last days last year when I was in India. I know she acts like baby , it is tiring . I used to feed her. Feeding her was tough.she might spit. She keeps calling us even in night to change diapers etc.Maami( I too call her maami) used to feel depressed as she had college going children and could not take care of them . now grandmom is no more. So I clearly understand your points because I have seen maami closely. So please get nurse and a maid with best agencies. I am happy to see a good hearted person like u